FMIL and her favorites

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t think you should do anything to fix it. I think the girl is being really immature, and maybe if they actually came around more often your FMIL would like her more. I would just ignore her and her bs.

Post # 3
Member
1049 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Ick, that’s tough.

At the end of the day, it’s not your fight.  You cannot help that your FMIL is this way.

Perhaps you can have a chat to her over a coffee and say something like you really appreciate the relationship you have with her, but feel it is causing tension with the others so would prefer conversations about heirlooms etc to be in private?  If you guys are super close I’m sure she won’t mind.

Otherwise, I don’t think there is much you can do.  It’s childish of her to be mad at you for something you have no control over.  

I hope you get it resolved.

Post # 4
Member
6749 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

This is between fsil and fmil. You didn’t do anything- so try to stay out of it.

Post # 6
Member
3044 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

alyssaC:  where are the game nights – your place or FMIL’s place?

 

also, am I reading it correctly that FBIL and FSIL in question are the ones living with your FMIL?

Honestly it could be in a weird way that because she is supporting them with a place to live and presumably food, etc, that in her mind spoiling you two a bit is making sure she is treating you fairly? I know my parents sometimes do things like that – the year that they helped pay for my brother’s wedding and gave them money towards a house, I got a sweet-ass snowboard for my birthday (totally unexpected! I had mentioned wanting to but one for myself and they took the bit between teeth!). It wasn’t the same amount of money they spent on each of us, but they were trying to be ‘fair’ with it.

Post # 8
Member
5282 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

That is not for you to fix.  There may be issues in your FIL Family you are unaware of and any intervention from your part could make things worse.  Just stay out of it and try to be warm and loving to everyone.

Post # 10
Member
3044 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

alyssaC:  ouch. I got nothing on why she is picking favourites, then.

 

maybe her son should talk to her about it, and mention how you both feel loved, spoiled and close to her… But uncomfortable with being the only recipients of extravagant gestures. neither of you will love her any less if she treats you like her other children and spouses, and you will still understand that she loves you! It will just help keep her other children from feeling left out.

Post # 11
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

You do nothing. Period. This is a family dynamic that has been decades in the making, and you can’t swoop in and fix it. You can try offering to pay for your FSILs ticket the next time you’re all out, but that’s fairly likely to backfire. 

Post # 12
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I don’t agree with previous posters that there is nothing you could or should be doing. Everyone agrees that what your FMIL is doing is wrong, so going along with it and not saying anything mean you are essentially condoning her behavior. Plus I don’t blame your future sister in law from being hurt by all this! It’s not the best situation that she is mad at you for it, but since you have been silent and not supportive of fair treatment for her up to now, I believe her anger at you is actually justified! It is never okay to stand by silently while other people are being mistreated in front of you, especially when they are being mistreated to your own benefit!

If I were you, I would start standing up for what is right. When your future mother-in-law says something like: “I’m going to give you all the family crystal!” in front of the other members of the family, answer her back with something like, “oh future mother-in-law, you must mean you plan to divide it between me and all your sons and daughters!” When your future mother-in-law treats you to a movie but blatantly does not treat your future sister-in-law, call her out! “Oh no future mother-in-law, you forgot to buy future sister-in-law’s ticket! No worries future sister-in-law, I’ll treat this time and I’m sure future mother-in-law will remember next time!”

Post # 15
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

alyssaC:  Obviously you should do what you feel you need to, but I don’t think you need to “throw FMIL under the bus” to make things right.

If you feel OK standing by silently while someone is treated unfairly in front of you, well! But I think you posted here because you DON’T feel OK, and rather than reassuring you that what is happening is fine for you to ignore since it technically isn’t your fault, I’m encouraging you to find some way to avoid becoming a weapon your FMIL uses in order to upset her less-favored children.

If it feels too confrontational to stand up to your FMIL directly, then maybe you can fix things privately between you and your FI’s other siblings. Like after your FMIL leaves the room, whisper to them, “God that’s so weird that she would say that about the crystal in front of all of you… trust me, when the time comes we’ll divide her things fairly between all of us,” or telling your FSIL without your FMIL hearing that you want to get her movie ticket since your FMIL is being rude and unfair about it.

Again, it doesn’t have to be a grand, confrontational gesture. But doing something to try and restore balance and fairness to a situation is going to make you feel better and your future brother and sister in laws respect you more. No matter how many people on here tell you it’s OK to stand by silently, it is going to be up to you whether or not you feel OK doing that… and again, if you felt OK with it, why would you come post here?

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