(Closed) FMIL and Living Together

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1428 posts
Bumble bee

I think y’all should continue with your plan to move in together. After all, you’re going to be husband and wife pretty soon.
My aunt is one of those nightmare MIL’s with my cousins (she has 3 sons), and she has caused endless drama in their relationships through the years. It takes a woman who can stand up for herself to cut through the apron strings she has attached to the boys. But, when oldest cousin met a woman like that, auntie fell in love with her.
Do what makes you & your FI happy! When you get married, you become your own family together, that’s what my mum has always preached to me….and I agree.

Post # 4
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee

I second happilywaiting – you’ve been working on the house together for months, it seems, and you were both planning on moving in together. I imagine that your FMIL knows this was the plan. I understand that you respect her, but I don’t think that sticking to your original plan is a sign of disrespect. If anything, it’s a sign of deep respect – for you and for your fiance. Plus (and this sounds a little cynical), if you stand up for yourself and the plans you’ve made now, she’ll know that you won’t be easily pushed over in the future.

If you hadn’t been living together already, I could see how she’d misunderstand your plan to move into the same house now, so soon before the wedding. But that isn’t how it was… just remind her that this has *always* been the plan, and you’re sorry, but it’s too late to back out now.

Good luck.

Post # 6
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Wow, a lot of stuff here.  First, I’ll disclose I’m not one to really support living together before marriage.  So in that resepct, I can’t find fault with your FMIL.  But I have a few questions.

You said you and FI have been more or less living together at your place.  Does FMIL know this? You seemed to indicate that she figured it out.  But  I wasn’t clear.  If she didn’t know, I think it’s totally understandable that she would now have an issue, since she thinks you are just now shacking up.    Also, if it was kept from her, I think there was a reason why, and this reaction from her, is probably not a big surprise.  If she did know, it sounds like, she wasn’t happy, but what could she do?  If she disapproved, it doesn’t seem so hard to understand she wouldn’t let you live together, now that she has some authority, despite the fact that you’ve already been doing it.

 "FH may give into his parents since he feels that it is his responsibility to be an exceptionally good and obedient son since his brothers are the opposite of that."  I was kind of looking for something like this.  Is it possible that FMIL thinks that FI’s siblings didn’t turn out quite as well as she would have liked?  If so, I can see why she’s finally trying to be stricter with your FI.

I am a little confused as to why this is happening the day before the move.  Did she really not know???  Was she waivering, and now that it’s the 11th hour, she needs to say something?  Cetainly it would have been better to get this straightened out long ago. And if she knew that you were together at your old place, and she really had a problem with it, I’d think it would be important enough to speak to you both about this living arrangement on her property from the get go.  At least, that’s how I would do it…. Did she try to get you two all wrapped up in the rental, and when it was too late to make other arrangements, pulled this, "you can’t live together card?"

Ultimately, it doesn’t make sense to live anywhere else.  (And perhaps financially not wise either.)  You said the wedding is in three months.  I think one of you, probably him, should just live with his parents.  Three months isn’t worth anyone getting bent out of shape, or ruining a relationship.  You are an adult, but unfortunately, it’s their property.  So even if you’re paying rent, they can call the shots.  At the very least they could simply refuse to rent to you. 

I think spending this time apart could actually be romantic and cute.  It might even save you from some prewedding stress and fights.  You both can go someplace to unwind by yourself.  And he won’t have to hear you talk about the wedding nonstop.  (Just guessing.)

Good luck.

 

Post # 7
Member
6010 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I think this situation totally sucks.  Unfortunately, I agree with Tanya, though.  Honestly, I think since they own the house, they get to make the rules.  It’s completely unfair, kinda irrational (since you already pretty much live together), and a little ridiculous (since you’re getting married in 3 months), but that’s the way it is.  Imo, it would be better to go along with this request, no matter how much I am opposed to it.

To be a little more honest, I think you might be setting yourself up for a bad situation in the future.  First of all, you said that your Fi and his mother had different ideas on what the terms of the rental contract would be (in regards to who would live there before the wedding).  Not having a written rental contract is just bad business sense, and it leaves you really unprotected.  Not to mention that if you had drawn up a rental contract before you might have avoided this whole drama because the agreement would be laid out for all of you in black and white.

Also, I think it’s a really shaky road to be investing in a house that you have no legal right to.  It sucks that you have already put so much time, effort, and money into the place, but you’re not going to be getting any money out of it.  Once again, by drawing up a contract, you’ll at least be able to see some kind of return on that money in the future if you can get them to credit that money to your rent or a future downpayment on the house.

Finally, it seems like they feel that they have the right to make personal decisions on your behalf because they control the property.  I really think this is going to blow up at some point in the future.  What happens if they disagree with one of your future decisions?  Will they just kick you out of the house?  In fact, what happens if you both try to move into the house together?  Are they going to kick you out of the rental and force you to live somewhere else?  You have no legal recourse right now.  A contract would at least give you something to fall back on.

My advice is to chalk up this experience as a learning experience, and protect yourself from it happening again.  Draw up a rental contract that very clearly specifies why they or you can terminate the contract.  You can find free or almost free versions of basic agreements online.  Seriously, this won’t help your situation now, but it might protect you in the future when something else comes up that they disagree with and try to use their control of property to force you to do what they want.

Post # 8
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Just remember, you are an adult and it is your life.  We had a similar problem with my parents.  They did not support us moving in together (and this was before we were engaged), but they realized that we were committed to each other and now we are engaged and planning a wedding for 2010. 

 

It sounds like your FMIL may just have a problem with feeling like she is losing her son.  Is he an only child or the oldest?  How old are you two?  I also think that since I am 28 and my FI is 30, there really wasn’t much my parents could say about us moving in together.  We are able to financially support ourselves, etc. 

 

I hope this works out for you and doesn’t lead to deeper problems in the relationship.  It’s a hard thing when a FMIL takes a stance against the couple, regardless of what the stance is.  Good luck!

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