Post # 1
Well, in case you couldn’t guess from my last post, everything about our wedding is up in the air. So, after many long discussions and some number-crunching, FI and I decided that we will go to the courthouse to get married and save our money to buy a house. I asked my mom if she would be okay with that and she said she would support whatever we do. However, my FMIL (after saying that we could do whatever we want last night since she is paying for the reception), was very upset and said we at least need to have a ceremony.
As it stands, we’re on a very tight budget and we’ll only have $2,400 saved up by next September. This is money we can use on a downpayment on a house (as there is no way we can save up for both a wedding and house at the same time, along with bills, student loans, etc).
Also, we’ve been engaged for over a year and, truthfully, we’re just ready to be married. I feel like this wedding has spiraled out of control and we’re sick of thinking and talking about it… We wanted a simple, intimate wedding, but everyone is expecting it to be this huge, awesome party and I felt pressured to deliver it (with money we can’t afford to spend/doesn’t exist). Now, I feel the need to compromise with my FMIL, though I don’t want a wedding anymore. (We don’t have deposits down on anything yet, so we wouldn’t lose money). This is because FI is mad at me because his mom his upset (even though this was a mutual decision). He thinks I need to work with her to plan something, but I am so over wedding planning, in general. What should I do? Any advice is welcome.
Post # 3
ELOPE…..Invite just the parents from both sides…and get married. Your FMIL will just have to get over it….
Post # 4
Tell your FI that if he wants the ceremony and his mom wants the ceremony that HE should work with HIS MOM to plan it.
Why should that automatically fall on your shoulders?
Post # 5
I vote for a private ceremony, too. If FMIL really feels the need to celebrate with a large group of people, offer to let her throw an at-home reception if she’d like. You can show pictures of your intimate ceremony & enjoy a party with friends… minus the waste of money & drama that you clearly don’t feel up for!
Post # 6
I know exaaaaactly how you feel. We cut down the scale of our wedding from other people’s requested 125 guests to our closest 45 and got a lot of flack for it from all sides. The only difference is FI is on my side and I have to hold him back from battling too hard in defense of our decisions.
Seriously, elope. We almost did that — if the “how much we can save by next august” number were any lower, we definitely would have.
Post # 7
can you not elope with your closest families and have an intimate family dinner afterwards? Then when your house is sorted you can have a party and get your wedding video shown on a projector with your photos and do your first dance and everything then. It’s quite popular here with brides who get married in Europe to then have an additional evening reception to share their day with everyone who wasn’t there…
Post # 8
“However, my FMIL (after saying that we could do whatever we want last night since she is paying for the reception), was very upset and said we at least need to have a ceremony. “
Well wherever you choose to get married, you will still have a ceremony, even if it’s at the courthouse. So invite the parents and take them to dinner afterwards!
Post # 9
Thank you for the great responses. FI and I decided to have a small ceremony (and just invite parents/step-parents, siblings, their significant others, and my neice, so 11 people) at a church and then go to dinner afterwards. It’s going to be simple, intimate, and we won’t be spending a ton of money – win, win. Oh, and, we’re aiming to do this in December.
Post # 10
I wanted to elope – my FI wanted a wedding. To please him – and because he was worried about his family’s reaction – I caved to the idea of a wedding. I wish every single day that we had just eloped. A lot less cost, hassle, concern, etc. Giving in never pleases anybody: they just expect you to continue folding, folding, folding to new demands.
If your FI is onboard with a courthouse wedding – save for what his mother thinks – I say go to the courthouse. Really, the wedding winds up being all about everyone else anyway – you tend to be too consumed with going around and greeting people to sit, relax and have a breather. I’ve asked so many people who have married within the last few years about the music, the band, etc. – they don’t remember ANYTHING about the actual wedding. They can, however, recite the prices and all like nobody’s business.
I’d explain to everyone ahead of time what’s going on. I’d tell FI to handle his mom and settle her down. But sooner or later, she’ll get over it – or otherwise, she likely won’t be seeing you too often.
Post # 11
@futuremrsndl: I’m really glad you’ve gotten it sorted! A few weeks ago, I was in the exact same position. My parents were telling us to elope or go to the courthouse, and his parents would pitch a fit if we suggested it.
In the end, we just put our foot down with the in-laws: We’ll throw an engagement party and get married there, so it’ll cut back any friends or family that won’t come to “just” an engagement party, there will be lower expectations on food, decor, venues, etc. (we’re having it at my parents’ farm/garden – 6 acres of pretty spectacular garden), and told the in-laws that it’s either this or we’re going to the courthouse, because we’re not shelling out thousands of dollars on everyone else when we want to get our own family off on the right foot.