(Closed) FMIL and SIL issue

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

He has to choose. They have presented an ultimatum with their behaviour. He either chooses you, or he chooses them.

As for your future with them: they are toxic, full-stop, and they will only cause you grief with their presence.

If he chooses you, I don’t think that they should be present at your wedding. It will be a source of stress and anguish. They are so incredibly hot and cold with you that you will continually be crushed when their nice gestures are followed by onslaughts of accusations, coldness, and manipulation.

Nurture a relationship with his father. He seems reasonable.

You will never win with these two women.

Post # 5
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Unfortunately I don’t have any advice, other than to agree with azure6700

I just wanted to say I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now, I can’t even begin to imagine what I would do if I were in your shoes!

*BIG hugs*!!

Post # 6
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

You’re welcome. I’m glad I can help. I hate it for you. It feels like it should all be so simple…you find the person for you, you two fall in love, everyone should be happy, right? (sigh) Families can be so complicated.

One thing that is so true: You are marrying his family.

If he continues to let them have their say and if you guys continue to go through all the normal familial rituals (spending holidays together, etc), you will never have peace. (Unless they have a spiritual awakening or lobotomy).

I can only see you two having a chance at happiness if he cuts them out of his life…for a while, at least, until they realize that his commitment to you is real and non-negotiable. And the only danger in this is him (unfairly) resenting you for it.

I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh..you have done nothing to invite this. The onus is on them and on him for allowing it to get this far. Keep us posted on what happens..

Post # 8
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I agree wholeheartedly with azure. He needs to choose you or them. Also, when he choses you it means no contact with them for at least a year after the wedding so you guys have time to get some counseling and figure out how to deal with them. If he isn’t willing to do this then run…run far far away. My grandmother (my dad’s mom) is HORRIBLE to my mother, me, and my sister, but my dad allows it to happen. Whenever she calls, writes a letter, or we visit it does nothing but make my parents fight. I was never happier then when she refused to come to the wedding, but now it sounds like she is going to come. My parents almost got divorced twice because of her, but they stayed together for us. I’m glad they did and they never really let on how awful their relationship was because of her (I remember them fighting once in front of us and that is all). My mother went to bed crying many a night because of that horrible woman. Please don’t be willing to let that be your life.

Post # 9
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

You can’t change crazy.  I’m sorry you are going through this but man, his mom and sis are nuts.  You also have to realize this is his ‘normal’.

I’ll be blunt: stop letting them in on details, stop emailing them, stop calling them. Share with the people that are excited about this, not those that are secretly plotting behind your back.

If your FI wants to keep them in the loop that is his business.  Just leave them alone.  They want to start something, hand it over to your FI.  Your FI needs to handle this.

But you have a huge FI problem.  He needs to create boundaries with these people.  He needs to clearly state that he will not listen to any badmouthing of his FI and when his mom and sis start, he will walk away, hang up, leave the house, etc.  And he needs to follow through. 

>>the whole family is going to hate me<<

By the looks of it, they hate you already so really you are in a damned if you do, damned if you don’t position so do what YOU want, what would make YOU happy.  If your FI wants her in the wedding so badly, he can have her on his side.

In all honesty, if your FI does not get his stuff together PRONTO, I would seriously consider delaying the wedding.  Definitely seek counseling (oh you said you were this week…good!).  I got to the point where I almost called off the wedding but my DH got his head out of his ass.

Post # 11
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

I’m glad you both aren’t dreading the therapy 🙂  DH’s family is the only thing we have issues about.  Make him an orphan and we’d be fine and dandy! 

While being the bigger person is nice and all, you can’t be a doormat, either.  There’s a fine line between the two, which I have not found yet myself.

 

Post # 12
Member
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

My goodness, girl, I am so sorry you have to go through all this.  I couldn’t even imagine and I’m praying for you.  I know I would have totally flipped out by now if I were you. 

I agree that if your FI wants his sister in the wedding, then she can be on his side.  It’s very common these days and then you won’t have to deal with her as much.  He really needs to put his foot down and tell them to stop.  There isn’t anything else you can do.  They seem like nothing will make them happy until he gets rid of you kind of people.  If he continues to let them treat you like that, then they are going to continue to do it and they will get exactly what they want, which is you out of the picture. 

Have patience with your FI, I’m sure it’s a struggle for him because this is his family, but there is a point when he needs to be his own man and let them know that he is his own man.  They can’t control him and he is letting them. 

And for now, don’t involve them in anything you do.  If they were paying, then I would keep them involved, but since they aren’t, I say they don’t need to know anything until the invitation shows up in their mailbox. 

Good luck to you both.  I really hope it works out for you.

 

Post # 14
Member
99 posts
Worker bee

(((hugs))).  I’m so sorry that the couples therapy did not help.  I would take his reaction as a very big sign.  It sounds like he doesn’t have your back (even with a stranger) and that really worries me.  I would think long and hard about how staying in this family for the rest of your life will make you feel.  You may love your FI, but after 10 years of being thrown under the bus, will you feel mostly love or mostly resentment?  And what’s going to happen when they bad mouth you in front of your kids?   

Post # 15
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Wow, you got a crummy therapist! The first thing our pre-maritol counselor talked about was setting boundaries with the families and deciding, together, what was allowed and what wasn’t. She then helped us set those boundaries. One boundary we set was no name calling will be tolerated from either of our families. We only needed to enforce this one when my sister was “jokingly” calling my FI lazy. I told her right away she was out of line and if she didn’t apologize we were leaving. She mumbled an apology and then said I was being too sensitive, but you know what? The boundary exists for a reason.

Honestly, at this point, you have to ask yourself if you even want to marry into that family. They will be doing this to you for the rest of your life and when you have kids it will be ten times worse (they will bad mouth your parenting skills to no living end). Personally, I would find another therapist and if that doesn’t work then walk away, but only you can make that decision.

I would also look for a counselor that specializes in pre-maritol counseling since that is way different than normal counseling. Pre-maritol counselors are specialized in dealing with trying to blend two lives together and the messes that can cause. Couples counselors just assume you have already sorted that stuff out and are just looking for conflict resolution.

Post # 16
Member
712 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

This is something you really need to think about. Even though you love him, can you live the rest of your life like this and is it worth it.

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