- 7 years ago
I apologize, this is pretty long. My FI family lives about 8 hours from us. When we were dating, things were fine, we got along, my FI and I would actually make the drive once a month or every other month to see them.
This Oct, my FI and I had the serious talk of taking “us” to next level, he was going to be moving into my house and giving up his apartment. We didn’t tell his mother because even before we made the decision to have him move in, she knew he obviously stayed there a lot and she wanted to make out a contract that I would have to sign. Pretty much stating that if things didn’t work out he was entailed to my house! umm no, my FI told her to back off and that’s why moving forward we weren’t telling her much. In Nov, I wanted to host thanksgiving at my house to take the load off my mother since she does a lot of the holidays. I told my FI he should invite his family. ( His dad was the only one who had come to see us in the entire year) He didn’t feel like he could invite one parent and not the other, so he invited them both and let them make the call if they wanted to come or not. HIs father really wanted to come and said yes, his mother said she had other plans. Well as soon as she found out his father was coming, she said she would be there, with her BF. His father then said he wasn’t coming as he didn’t want to cause an issue and problem in my home and in front of my family ( he is able to get along with her, but his mother can not get along with his father). I welcomed my house up this mother, and his sister to stay there. All the times we had gone to visit, we would stay at his mother, so I felt it rude to make them stay in a hotel, and I was pretty excited about getting closer to his family and really trying to accommodate.
Tgiving comes ( my ill grandfather had just passed away 4 days earlier, on my birthday) It was a very tough holiday for my family but we wanted to make the best of it. His mother shows up, with 5 dogs, the sister, the sisters bf, and her bf. Her dogs are attacking my animals, going the bathroom all over the house. She treated me like poo the minute she walked into my house. It was hectic and crazy. I let his mother and the bf sleep in my room, the sister and her bf sleep in the guest. Tgiving day, his mother yelled at me, criticized me, told me I was doing things wrong, grabbed plates out of my hands, I would put something in the oven, and she would take it out, I had my menu all set and the times set, and she wanted to change everything, she told me to get out of my own kitchen. It was bad, there was major tension, when my family got there, she was so rude and nasty ( this was first time meeting them) she then told my mom to get out of the kitchen, I finally said something to my FI that he had to say something, I was in tears, He did say something to her, before we ate, she sat down, ate and got up and went into my room and stayed there the rest of the night. His family told us they were leaving the next day at 12, well they got up at 6am ( we were in the basement sleeping and didn’t hear anything) and left. She never thanked me, she never said goodbye. I was so upset! I let it slide and didn’t dwell on it. Christmas comes, and we make the trip to go see them and things were okay.
In Feb, my FI goes to propose. Both of our families knew this talk was on the horizon. 2 days before my FI is going to propose to me, he reaches out to his mom to see if we can come visit in 2 weeks because he is going to be proposing to me this weekend. She FLIPS, she then gets his sister involved, who flips as well. They pretty try talking him out of it, she tells him he doesn’t love me, and that he isn’t excited, that I’m forcing him to do this ( I was the one for the last few months saying let’s get adjusted to living together first, he would have done it months ago) She said just because my family SEEMS great, doesn’t mean that the girl is, she said she questions my respect and feels I have no respect for him. Her only example of this is because I opened one of my christmas gifts early as a gag and left it for him to see. It’s a joke between him and I because I have a love/hate relationship with surprises. We thought it was funny and shared this story with her when we were visiting for Christmas. His sister was pretty much saying the same thing. He comes home and tells me this conversation, then shows me the emails of all the things his mom and sister are saying. I’m a WRECK. I had no idea he was going to propose that weekend until all of this. I see the responses he writes back to them, he never once got offended that they were saying the things they said, he was justifying himself that he does love me and that he does care about me, but he values their opinions and loves them. So on top of being totally hurt and upset over what his mom and sister said, I’m even more hurt that he didn’t even defend me really and pretty much said, hey it’s okay you just trashed the women I want to marry. Him and I got into a major blow out fight, he finally said he saw my point and understands that he should have been more firm and forceful and moving forward he will, but I have to put this aside because his mom and sister didn’t mean anything bad by it. Are you kidding me! So fine, I put it aside, we don’t get engaged until 3 weeks after all this, but everything was fine. I didn’t get a congrats from his sister or mom. The following week, my FI and I go reception looking. I emailed his mom and his sister, tons of details and ideas, just trying to keep them in the loop. His mom writes back if we get married where I live then she will not be staying over that night and will drive home ( it’s a 16 hour ride both ways) So I just say okay fine. We then pick our date and location, and again, send her DETAILED information about everything. His sister and his mother must have been having an email conversation about me, and “accidentally” forwards me it, it’s a whole conversation of them dissing on me, saying I don’t work all day, all I do is plan my wedding, I must not have a life”. I was LIVID, my FI was livid, he calls them both, and they play totally stupid that they never did anything of the such, and then when my FI forwards the email over to SHOW them, they were like oh, we weren’t talking about HER, she is making it up in her head. Okay whatever, this is their come back with everything, I’m making it up in my head.
Now we are doing the invites, and I ask her for a list of her families’ addresses. FMIL comes from a very big family of 10 brothers and sisters. My parents were helping us out and paying for 150 guests, no more. We were paying for the rest of the wedding expenses and if we wanted to invite more guests. We agreed that 150 was a fine size for our wedding and no need to go over that limit, and frankly we couldn’t afford it. This was explained to his mother when “money” was discussed because she told FI that she was not going to contribute any money ( okay that’s fine) We also told her, we were only invited Aunts and Uncles, no cousins, my FI only knows a few of his cousins, and just felt it would be too much with the cousins.
When she sends back her list, she has 60+ people on her list. She has all the cousins, and her 30 sorority sisters (she hasn’t spoken to them in 10 years). My FI nicely says to her we need to sit down and discuss the list. She goes into a rage, saying we are treating her badly, and how dare we dictate to her who can and can not come. She said we were “screwing ourselves because all those people were going to come and give us money, and that money was her wedding gift to us since she is broke and has no money and can’t give us a wedding gift” ( she just got back from a 2 week cruise as she writes this to us). She then says that she will not be attending and either will his sister ( I had already asked his sister to be in the wedding and she said yes) So now, we are like WTH is going on. I reach out to his sister, and don’t hear anything. So I assume okay things are fine. In the meantime, my shower starts getting planned, and the list for that starts to get planned. My mother and sister were paying for the shower, and didn’t want my BM to have to foot over money for it, but his sister was pissed off that my FI’s friends were not invited to the shower. My FI friends that I knew were invited to the shower, however, there was a few girls that he went to HS with that he hasn’t spoken to SINCE HS, and she felt that they should be invited, even though we weren’t inviting them to the wedding. I said NO, that’s incredibly rude, and she was annoyed, like I was dictating everything and that this was HIS shower too.
Needless to say things become very tense and strained now with his mom and his sister, his sister didn’t order her dress, so I was chasing her down, she wasn’t responding to me, my FI had to get involved, she wasn’t responding to him, My FI finally gets a hold of her and she freaks out on him for getting involved in the dresses. She finally does the dresses. I still continue to email her and contact her, like Hey, what’s up, how are things. I’m trying to form a relationship and get her involved and she isn’t responding at all. She finally emails me that she wants to come visit for Saint Pats Day, I say great, your more than welcome, I got things planned, I send her over things to do and what she wanted to do..all the way up until the week before she was supposed to come we were emailing like everything is fine. Then that week she just disappears, never tells me she isn’t coming, I’m emailing, calling, texting. Nothing. I was pissed, but I let it go. That was the LAST time I talked to her, she ignored all my other attempts to get in contact wit her, she was not responding to my FI, when my FI would say something to his mom about she would be like oh you know how busy she is, she had a million excuses for her. The only forms of contact I would get from his mom and sister would be picture messages, of his mother in white gowns saying, this is the dress I’m getting, she did this to me 3 times, I never said anything back to her, but I was upset over it.
Things really came to a head for my FI bday, his sister finally pops back into the picture when she finds out that I was delayed in getting my FI his gift. She attacks me that I didn’t do what I was supposed to do and that I lied, then his mom gets involved and attacks me. My FI is PISSED, it turns into this massive fight. I say to my FI I don’t want her in my wedding anymore, I’m done dealing with this crap with his mom and sister, they obviously have issues with me, one min they act fake to me then the next min they hate on me, 3 months from our wedding and we were dealing with this BS. He agreed and backed me up. I wrote his sister and email, explaining my feelings and my standpoint, it wasn’t mean or nasty, it was pretty much saying through this entire engagement it’s been one hurtful thing after another, I said I didn’t know what changed from when were dating until now, but I just feel like it would be best if she were just a guest at the wedding and not in it, since it was obvious she didn’t agree with the marriage and didn’t want a part of it.
Well now they really start bashing me, His sister and mom said they made me so many gifts for my shower and that I was ungrateful, 2 days before my “surprise” shower, his mom is screaming into the phone that she is going to show up at my shower and everyone is going to see what kind of person I am, I’m destroying the family, I’m the one causing all the issues. She calls me 12 times, harassing me pretty much, telling me I don’t love her son. My FI sits on the phone with her for 2 hours while she screams into the phone about how I’m a terrible person and I’ve hurt her and his sister, and they should always be his number 1.This has caused MAJOR tension with my FI and I. He says he backs me up, and agrees with me, but he doesn’t think his mom and sister hate me and are doing anything to destroy our relationship. After I hear his mom say this on the phone about my shower 2 days before it, I really didn’t want his mom and sister coming. My family put a lot of time and money into making my day special and a surprise and she ruined it. My Fi agreed that they shouldn’t come, but he couldn’t tell them not to come. I was so the 2 days leading up to my own shower. It was sooo uncomfortable, his mother was so incredibly fake to me, acting like I was the best thing since ice cream, my whole family and friends saw it, they all know the situation, his sister on the other hand, didn’t speak, had an attitude the entire time, I went to give her a hug hello and she snubbed me. Okay fine. I understand she was uncomfortable, but so was I. I will say, his sister’s boyfriend painted a hope chest for me, it was very nice, she framed the shower invite, I thanked her, I was appreciative. His sister freaked out and got all mad and said I never thanked her, said all this stuff to my FI that I was rude to her and treated her badly at my shower. So now the day of my shower, when I’m supposed to be happy, my FI and I are fighting yet again because of his family. His is fine with his mom and sister but things with me and his mom and sister are not fine, he now wants me to have her in the wedding, he was like look at all the things she did for you and got you for your shower. I don’t want her in the wedding, but now I feel like if I don’t, the whole family is going to hate me. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so angry with my FI for how he has handled this situation and for letting it get out of control.