FMIL Angry- Demands Invitations For Friends

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
5518 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2012

Your wedding, your guestlist.  Usually when you take people’s money you take thier opinion, but in this case they are not paying.  If your FI made his list of guests that he wants there, thats who wants.  Not this person or this person or these kids.  If your FMIL really wants people there, they can offer to pay for them but you have a capacity limit. So just have your FI tell her its not happening.

Post # 4
Member
6507 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I understand the “he who pays has a say” but the same time I think it would be nice to allow her to invite a couple of her friends. Maybe tell her she can just invite her adult friends from that list and no kids?

Post # 5
Member
210 posts
Helper bee

If the people asking for their guests to come arent contributing fincially to your wedding then no. You do not need to invite them. I don’t understand it when people do this, like whos wedding is this yours or mine?

Post # 7
Member
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@MissCoffeeBean:  even IF his motet offered to pay for them, for me it would be a HELL NO!

if she wants these friends to attend a wedding, she can have a vow renewal and invite them. here on this board I always wonder what is wrong with mothers???

my friend had a really big wedding and we discussed our different point if views: to me, a wedding is celebrating our love which I want to do with the people which are near and dear to us. He even said, his rule was he only wanted people there whom he didn’t mind seein him cry lol. my friend’s view was that she wanted everyone there, that has been important to her at some point in her life, be it ten years ago. Now personally I don’t understand at all why you would have somebody witnessing your marriage whom you care so little about you never talked to them in the last few years. (To me, I could see this for a 50th bday or so where you look back on your life and invite all those who played a role at some stage.) but anyways – it was her wedding and if she feels she wants to invite those people, fine. That’s all cool and her right to do so. But it’s also your right not to choose to invite everybody. 

Now we’re not even talking about what you want, but what your FMIL wants and that is just insane! Your FI needs to stand up to them. It’s nothing to do with hurting their feelings – they’re actually disrespectful to you if they cannot even respect your wishes for your wedding! And it’s not like you said you didn’t wanna invite granny because she’s so old and wouldn’t lool good on the pictures. You’ve never met them and FI is all but close to them as well. No brainer: no invite. Period. 

Post # 8
Member
1802 posts
Buzzing bee

Unless she is willing to pay for those ten people then I would tell her absolutely not. Your wedding, your party, your guest list. I would just tell her that she can invite the people, but you will not being paying for them. Tell her that since she is planning on inviting 10 people that will be about $1,500. Maybe that will make her realize that 10 extra people is a big deal, and that it does make the costs go up a lot!

Post # 9
Member
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

To PPs:

first of all: why should she be “nice” and give in to a ridiculous demand? Her FMIL should be “nice” and respect tier wishes for a wedding that only involves family and close friends. 

With regards to the pay / say debate. Even in that case I would disagree! If my parents or in-laws were willing to contribute (which borh of our mums have thankfully said they would a bit), I would expect they’re doing this to do us a dove and help us make the wedding of our dreams come true. If they were doing it so THEY could decide anything about our wedding, I’d thankfully decline. But in a proper relationship, I think the parents should never make their contribution be a “reward” for the kids being good dogs and doing what they’re telling them to. 

You get married = you’re a grown up so you take your own decisions and no one else, regardless of whether anyone is kind enough to offer support (out of love and not out of the will for power).

Post # 10
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@MissCoffeeBean: Well…how much does it matter to you and your fiance that your FMIL is upset? I am of the camp that, if someone is really truly important to one of our parents, they should be there – regardless of who is footing the bill. Because if it matters to my parents or his parents, it matters to us.

That said, she should not make demands and you do not “have” to invite anyone. It’s really a judgment call for you and your fiance – are these really her nearest and dearest that she really cannot imagine not being there or is this just a power grab? Will she be happy if you invite these people or will she find something else to start a fight over? A person only gets so many “this is really important to me” moments, you know?

I personally don’t think adding 10 people to a guest list that’s already approaching 100 (right?) is so outrageous. But whatever you decide, you and your fiance should present a unified front and HE should be the one having the difficult conversations with his mother.

Post # 11
Member
4641 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

If shes not paying, she can demand all she wants. It’ll get her nowhere..

Post # 12
Member
3119 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I agree with everyone that you shouldn’t cave…BUT is the guest list split really heavy towards your side and your parents’ side? I get that they are the ones paying, but it still could be a saving-face type of thing for your in-laws, and at the end of the day you want to keep the peace with the future ILs and make sure everyone enjoys themselves. 

However, I don’t think the “Staceys” and “Tracys” of the world deserve an invitation based upon your description above. 

Sorry this is causing you so much stress!

Post # 13
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Don’t argue with her. You already told her no. Don’t collect addresses. If she provides them- give them back. Don’t share your invites with her- no need for her to make copies for her guests or give them details. Just in case she’vs one of those MILs lol. Your FMIL gets an invite in the mail with everyone else. When she calls to ask about these extra folks. Just remind her they were never on your guest list. 

Post # 14
Member
1071 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Greenbrier Country Club

Do you have to invite them? no.
Should you try and compromise? I think so.

My mother kept on trying to add her friends to the guest list so I let her put the names on the list and told her we would figure out who we were cutting off the list later. She knew we were limitted to 120 guests.

When it came down to cutting the guest list, she saw that it was between inviting her friend or my grandma (for example) so she wasn’t upset. I did end up inviting some of my mom’s friends (but it would be at my cost.)

I would explain to your FMIL that your mom is paying and can’t afford more then 100 guests. Then explain that you already have (number over 100) people you want to invite. Say you can put her friends names on the list, but that doesn’t mean anything final.

Post # 15
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@MissCoffeeBean:  That’s a definite no in my opinion – especially if she’s not paying! I think that’s just rude of her to even ask. You need to set a precedence early on that your FMIL can’t just stamp her feet and get her way. It’s your wedding, your say!

A large majority of guests (like 75%) attending our wedding are from my side but I have a MUCH bigger family – and that still wouldn’t be enough to convince me to add a bunch of randoms from my FI’s side just to even things out.. that’s such a waste of money! Keep your list as your originally had it

Post # 16
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You said no, you meant no. Stick to your guns!

She can bother you all she wants, but you don’t have to send out a damn thing.

My FMIL wanted to invite so many people that I joked she could have a table each for a Chinese Bible Study Group meeting, a family reunion, a church service, have a work meeting at the table over there, and have her friends over for a BBQ at the fifth table.
Her list was equal to 40% of our guest list – NO way!!

We vetoed that real quick – she isn’t paying.
We gave her one full table of friends/coworkers, but after that we said we just aren’t going to invite so-and-so’s kids or people we don’t know.

She understood, she’ll still have fun.

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