FMIL being bossy

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Well, if she’s paying she does have some say.  If you dont want her to hijack the wedding your best bet is to pay for it yourself.  You can’t always have it both ways, ya know? 

I suggest asking your FI to speak with her, let her know your feelings on the matter – “Mom, we would be really uncomfortable snubbing Aunt X and Aunt Y groom the wedding.  They have always been pleasant to us and I would hate for our wedding to be the cause of any tension in the family.”  Let the conversation go from there and see how she responds.  But be prepared for her to pull the money card.  At that point you decide to respect her wishes or decline her offer to pay.

Try not to forget the huge favor she’s doing for you though.  Weddings aren’t cheap by any means.  It’s extremely generous that she’s paying.  Don’t lose sight of that.

Post # 4
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t agree that those paying get say comletely. Do they get to give input? Yes, but ultimately it is the bride and groom’s wedding, not the parents party or opportunity to show off to their friends.

It’s hard to find the right balance. Though unless your FI completely disagree’s about your MIL’s invitee choices, I’d let her choose who she does and doesn’t invite out of her own family.

Post # 6
Member
1071 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Greenbrier Country Club

@MsJ2theZ:  +1
Your FMIL is paying for YOUR wedding, not hers.  

Post # 8
Member
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree who pays has the ultimite say about what goes on.  It is wonderful if she offered to pay and let you do what you want but if that is not the case then you have to say thank you but no thank you to the money.

If she is paying it is her party to celebrate you and she calls the shots, sorry.

Post # 9
Member
2057 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia

First, I would acknowledge that you appreciate her input. However, make sure you tell her that you and your FH do not feel comfortable that she is FORCING you to take sides with family members. That’s her business. It’d be different if she had a say in the seating chart, but to not include specific members of the family, that is plain immature.

Just voice that you would regret not having everyone coming together as a happy unit. Soothe her concern of any family rifts that everyone would come and smile. Things will not get awkward as everyone will be civil for this happy occasion.

Now, with the wedding, this is where you can use your own mother as leverage. I do, anyway, especially when I get judgemental comments from my future-in-laws. Then, they would feel bad if they’re judging my mom or my dad when I’m respecting their wishes too.

Post # 10
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@inspiration86:  I’ll give you the bridal party thing.  But the way I see it, she’s giving you a gift (an extremely generous gift mind you) and its inappropriate to dictate how people spend their money on you.  You wouldn’t tell someone how to spend their money otherwise, right?  What makes a wedding any different?  

You seem really angry and I can understand why, but only to a point.  As much as she’s wrong for manipulating you with money, you and your FI are still accepting her offer.  You either take the money and deal with the threat of her holding over your head, or be the grown woman you claim to be and pay yourself.  It’s not my intention to be snarky but you need a little perspective here.

I stand by my original suggestion.  Try to start working in a solution instead of anticipating problems and getting more riled up.

Good luck.

Post # 11
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Oh also… Are there any other issues at play here?  It seems there has to be deeper problems besides “she’s too religious”

Post # 15
Member
2057 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia

@inspiration86:  My mom and dad are far away too. They live 10,000 miles away from me.

Your FMIL has to know that the wedding doesn’t revolve around her. Tell her that you are trying to consider everyone, so that everyone will have a great time!

If that doesn’t work, then quote Matthews 7:12, LOL! (That’s the Golden Rule) Point it out that not inviting people isn’t nice. And you don’t want to be “not nice” onto others.

ETA: Just realized that we’re date twins! 🙂

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