Post # 1
i know you’ve heard it all before. Here’s my vent for the day.
FMIL recently went on a trip to her hometown, where all of FIs family lives. A good bit of them are traveling to come to our wedding, which we are totally happy about. I’ve only met the majority of them once, and FI has only seen them once since he was a small kid.
So during our convo yesterday, FMIL says one of FIs female cousins is coming, and ‘she can crash with you and your bridesmaids the night before the wedding, right???’ I was like, well, i’m not going to say yes. I dont want it to be awkward for her, but this is my time with my friends the night before i get married. I told her if everyone becomes like instant BFFs at the rehearsal dinner, sure. but I’m not promising anything. So she just says- oh well i think its too early to decide anything right now anyway! And continues along.
She also said this same cousin wants to stay at FI and I’s house during her stay down here for the wedding. I told her, i’m imaging the most stressful, hectic, busy week of my life that week, and can no way promise to play hostess. FI said he’s taking days off work before the wedding to be able to spend time with his OOT family guests, so thats fine, he can handle that. But i feel like so many things are being pushed on me that i dont want. I already got pushed into letting another one of FIs cousins bring her 2 small children. There will be ZERO other kids there under the age of 10. And of course theres greviences over the guestlist.
its just starting to add up. FI has been great about things, and supports me in what ever decisions i make. But dang. FMIL acts like shes so laid back about things- but then is constantly pushing for stuff we dont need to pressure on.
vent over. i guess. lol
Post # 2
- Wedding: Gallaher Mansion, CT
Concerning FI female cousin, I would just tell FMIL that this cousin needs to get a hotel room instead staying at your house (isn’t that what everyone else is doing anyway??) and that the night before the wedding is special to the bride and wedding party, no one else.
Post # 3
theEguarantee: You need to develop the ability to give a clear and direct “No” answer.
I would contact FMIl and tell her that you have had time to think about it and it simply will not work for cousin to stay at your place. Perhaps FMIL might be able to host her. Don’t let FMIL make excuses like no extra bedroom- she can sleep on the sofa.
Post # 4
julies1949: i’m sure glad i’m not the one in the wrong on this lol We’re just less than 8 months out from the wedding, so I havent totally put my foot down on things just yet. But i feel i’ll have to at some point.
FI claims he wont mind driving his cousin around and having her with him the days leading up to the wedding, but idk that he’s realizing how difficult its going to be. Especially bc he’s real OCD about letting anyone stay in our house if we arent there, wont give keys, alarm codes things like that. He thinks he can be with her the entire time, and i just dont see that being the case.
FMIL is hosting like 10 people at her house already. But one of FIs aunt is single, and this cousin should totally just stick with her the whole time. FMIL mentioned that as a possibility, but then pushed the whole- she wants to stay at your house & she can be w you and your BMs right??? I 100% agree that night is sacred for my friends and I. I’ve made that a priority for all of my other friends getting married- and i will not let that slide for myself. thanks yall for reminding me i need to be in control.
Post # 5
I would just recommend a local hotel that they can stay at. That is a huge burden for you to host a stranger in your home the night before the wedding.
Post # 6
OP, one of the hardest lessons I’ve had is that softening a blow to be kind usually backfires. Tell FMIL that the rule is that no one but the bridal party is spending the night. Then tell her you are so excited to meet/ spend some time with FIs extended family and offer to help find hotel.
Post # 7
I’ve done all these things. But i guess i’ve just tried to beat around the “NO” bush lol I appreciate the support bees. you have no idea. days like this make me wonder if i should get anti-anxiety meds til this wedding planning is over.
Post # 8
julies1949: Yeah. No is a complete sentence, dude. Giving all these “well if everyone becomes BFFs then maybe…you never know…I’ll keep you posted” answers is setting yourself up to have these decisions made FOR you. Then your future cousin in law (if that’s even a thing) shows up at your bridal suite like “hey! My mom said I could crash with you guys!!!” and then your hands are tied.
Post # 9
Overjoyed: 100% to everything you said. OP you are leaving the door open to interrepation. Give an inch they will take a mile. Stop being a push over. Cousin can’t find a place that’s what Kayak and Bookit are for. Or send her to airbnb. I mean that takes balls to expect to be hosted at your house.
Post # 10
Definitely just say “no” from now on. My MIL was just as pushy about arbitrary things before our wedding. Like, my wedding was in the morning so I had a hair stylist showing up at our hotel at 5:00am to begin work on the four of us. Two months before the wedding, my MIL asked if the hair stylist could also do her hair. Her exact words were something like, “One of your girls will just have to go earlier (at around 3:30am) so I can fit in when I wake up, around 8am. And if I don’t like it, I’ll just take it out or she can do it again. That’s okay, right?” I gave some non-committal response about not thinking the hair stylist could come any earlier, but realistically, it would never work out. But because I couldn’t say no, she brought it up multiple times and it caused a lot of anxiety and frustration. Would have been easier to just deal with the hurt feelings of a blunt “not gonna happen”.
Post # 11
theEguarantee: You aren’t doing them any favors by letting them think there’s any possibility of the cousin staying with you. Let them know that you thought it over and you won’t be able to host anyone during that time, but you look forward to seeing her at the wedding.
Letting yourself be pushed around now only sets a pattern for after you are married.
Post # 12
theEguarantee: Why are the cousin’s arrangements any of FMIL’s business?
Your FI needs to bypass his mother and contact the cousin directly. I’m betting that with a mature conversation between two people of similar age, cousin will realise it’s not practical to stay with him or you.
Post # 13
Your FI needs to watch your back w his mom. He should be communicating all these clear Nos. I feel too rude telling someone else’s often unreasonable parents no. It’s their own child’s (meaning your FI’s) job to reign his mom in or tell her how it’s gonna be. I handle my parents, you handle yours. And if I have more reasonable parents through my years of “training” them about how our relationship will work, I’m gonna reap the benefits and you need to catch up and either get your parents in line or keep telling them no.
Post # 14
theEguarantee: Definitely agree that you need to be clearer and firmer with her or this type of thing or it will go on forever! It’s not her place to invite guests to stay at your house. It’s also not her place to dictate how the lead up to your wedding goes. End of story.
Make sure that you and your FI are on the same page and that he backs you up – if you’re clear from the beginning she should get the idea and it won’t continue to cause unnecessary stress for you!
Post # 15
Shkragoldfish: Miss_E_xx: I want to be veryyyy clear that my FI puts me and my feelings before his moms, and has for the 10 years we’ve been together. I called his mom yesterday to ask her about her trip. I asked her before she left if she could get an idea of who was coming/staying in a hotel/staying at the bed & breakfast were getting married at. So it’s not like it came out of no where, or she’s trying to pull one over on me. I asked what was decided. And she threw those things in there
FI is taking time off that week in order to spend time with his family. He literally has Zero family within a 24 hour drive, and a lot of them are actually coming here for us. He has not spoken to his cousin since we made the trip to his parents hometown, 7 years ago. I keep in touch with her on fb. I was the one who, after being pressured, went to his other cousin with the kids to make an arrangement with her we’d both be ok with (the kids are missing the ceremony along w her husband). So although I have been terrible about trying to avoid conflict, FI has been nothing but on board with my ideas.
FI claims he’ll stay responsible for the cousin if she stays at our house (and honestly I don’t even know how many nights she plans on being here). and my mom and bridesmaids have said they’ll help me with whatever I need up until the wedding, so that’s probably how that will go.
but I will absolutely say No about her staying w my friends and I the night before the wedding. I feel extremely strong about that. Thanks for helping my backbone, bees!