FMIL being pushy.

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
33 posts
  • Wedding: Gallaher Mansion, CT

Concerning FI female cousin, I would just tell FMIL that this cousin needs to get a hotel room instead staying at your house (isn’t that what everyone else is doing anyway??) and that the night before the wedding is special to the bride and wedding party, no one else. 

Post # 3
42157 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

theEguarantee:  You need to develop the ability to give a clear and direct “No” answer.

I would contact FMIl and tell her that you have had time to think about it and it simply will not work for cousin to stay at your place. Perhaps FMIL might be able to host her. Don’t let FMIL make excuses like no extra bedroom- she can sleep on the sofa.

Post # 5
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I would just recommend a local hotel that they can stay at.  That is a huge burden for you to host a stranger in your home the night before the wedding.  

Post # 6
7147 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

julies1949:  +1


OP, one of the hardest lessons I’ve had is that softening a blow to be kind usually backfires. Tell FMIL that the rule is that no one but the bridal party is spending the night. Then tell her you are so excited to meet/ spend some time with FIs extended family and offer to help find hotel. 

Post # 8
2818 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

julies1949:  Yeah. No is a complete sentence, dude. Giving all these “well if everyone becomes BFFs then maybe…you never know…I’ll keep you posted” answers is setting yourself up to have these decisions made FOR you. Then your future cousin in law (if that’s even a thing) shows up at your bridal suite like “hey! My mom said I could crash with you guys!!!” and then your hands are tied. 

Post # 9
7225 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Overjoyed:  100% to everything you said. OP you are leaving the door open to interrepation. Give an inch they will take a mile. Stop being a push over. Cousin can’t find a place that’s what Kayak and Bookit are for. Or send her to airbnb. I mean that takes balls to expect to be hosted at your house. 

Post # 10
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Definitely just say “no” from now on. My MIL was just as pushy about arbitrary things before our wedding. Like, my wedding was in the morning so I had a hair stylist showing up at our hotel at 5:00am to begin work on the four of us. Two months before the wedding, my MIL asked if the hair stylist could also do her hair. Her exact words were something like, “One of your girls will just have to go earlier (at around 3:30am) so I can fit in when I wake up, around 8am. And if I don’t like it, I’ll just take it out or she can do it again. That’s okay, right?” I gave some non-committal response about not thinking the hair stylist could come any earlier, but realistically, it would never work out. But because I couldn’t say no, she brought it up multiple times and it caused a lot of anxiety and frustration. Would have been easier to just deal with the hurt feelings of a blunt “not gonna happen”.

Post # 11
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

theEguarantee:  You aren’t doing them any favors by letting them think there’s any possibility of the cousin staying with you. Let them know that you thought it over and you won’t be able to host anyone during that time, but you look forward to seeing her at the wedding.

Letting yourself be pushed around now only sets a pattern for after you are married.

Post # 12
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

theEguarantee:  Why are the cousin’s arrangements any of FMIL’s business?

Your FI needs to bypass his mother and contact the cousin directly. I’m betting that with a mature conversation between two people of similar age, cousin will realise it’s not practical to stay with him or you.

Post # 13
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Your FI needs to watch your back w his mom. He should be communicating all these clear Nos. I feel too rude telling someone else’s often unreasonable parents no. It’s their own child’s (meaning your FI’s) job to reign his mom in or tell her how it’s gonna be. I handle my parents, you handle yours. And if I have more reasonable parents through my years of “training” them about how our relationship will work, I’m gonna reap the benefits and you need to catch up and either get your parents in line or keep telling them no. 

Post # 14
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

theEguarantee:  Definitely agree that you need to be clearer and firmer with her or this type of thing or it will go on forever! It’s not her place to invite guests to stay at your house. It’s also not her place to dictate how the lead up to your wedding goes. End of story.

Make sure that you and your FI are on the same page and that he backs you up – if you’re clear from the beginning she should get the idea and it won’t continue to cause unnecessary stress for you!

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