FMIL being rude or helpful??? asking money questions

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
893 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@missstarling:  you are looking at this totaly wrong. Tell her the way you are telling us. My parents will never sit at the same table again….and maybe give her a wedding budget so she can tell you what she wants to pay for and thats that. She is trying to be nice.

Post # 4
Member
3014 posts
Sugar bee

@missstarling:  I think you’re reading into this. Why not create a budget and let her decide how much she wants to contribute? If your wedding is 20k and your mom is giving 5k, I think she should know because if she wants to cover the balance she shouldn’t have to guess what the balance is. Maybe your FI should take over the money discussions- you seem a bit defensive about your parents ability to contribute. 

Post # 6
Member
2833 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@mamadingdong:  that.

Money discussions make me uncomfortable (vestiges of my British upbringing) and I know I wouldn’t be the right person to handle this type of conversation. I’d create a detailed (and I mean DETAILED, ok?) budget, hand it over to FI and let him handle the rest. 

Post # 7
Member
3084 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@missstarling:  Can you maybe get her to pay for vendors and stuff instead of just giving you the money? If you feel uncomfortable with the whole money issue? Like you can research different stuff on your own but when you are booking them say, “We are going with so-and-so photographer. It’s going to cost xxxx would you want to cover that?” But obviously not so outright. So she can feel like she’s contributing without giving you too much or whatever.

Post # 8
Member
855 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

Put your defensive bone down. She’s likely asking because she needs to get an idea of what HELP she’s going to give/be able to give. That’s what parents do. They don’t just throw money at a party and say have at it! Yeah, they’d probably like to know how they need to adjust their giving. 

If your parents won’t be civil with each other, tell her. Let her know what they’re planning on giving you. Just be transparent. 

Post # 9
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

 Have you talked to your FI about his feelings, about who should be paying for what? Than maybe approach your FMIL.

I personally think that even when the bride’s parents are in a position to pay for the entire wedding, in this day and age, I am against it. I planned a wedding almost 3 years ago now, and the groom pulled out 6 weeks before the wedding. My parents were left with a bill of over $7,000 of un-refundable deposits etc. While I am still with him, I think that he might not have so easily have walked away from committing to a wedding/me, if he had put in some of his own money.

Post # 10
Member
3519 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

You’re so close to the wedding, I’d just make a spreadsheet of all your expenses, email it to both sets of parents and sit down with whoever can make it to a dinner out to discuss it.  Hopefully one of your parents will just not come and offer to pay for XYZ and your FMIL and other parent can hash over the rest. 

Sending out the information in advance of any kind of meeting makes sense–that’s what you would do at work so all parties could be prepared.

Post # 11
Member
460 posts
Helper bee

First off, it is very kind and gracious of your FILs to offer this, so don’t try and overthink it (unless you have a reason to; e.g., they have a habit of manipulation, grandstanding, etc.).

Secondly, I don’t think getting the parents together to discuss it makes sense. If one parent/set of parents cannot afford for whatever reason to contribute as much, and the other set of parents swoop in showering benjamins all over the place, I can see some hurt feelings erupting over that, even if unintentional. Add to that the fact OP’s parents do not get along … I can see this fast becoming a movie-worthy drama.

I would simply draft your budget in line-item style with the planned cost beside each item, and in a third column, who has offered/plans to/paid to cover that item. Have a total for all expenses, and a total for balance remaining to be allocated/paid (be it by you/FI, parents, etc.) and share that with her. She may decide to just write the check for that amount, or offer to pay vendors directly, etc. Once she says what she plans to contribute, ask her if she would like to pay the vendors directly, or leave that to you & FI to manage.

Good luck … and unless you have reason to, don’t overthink this gracious offer to help provide you and your FI a beautiful wedding and (hopefully) debt-free start to your marriage.

Post # 14
Member
460 posts
Helper bee

I would just sit down with her 1:1, armed with your spreadsheet showing expenses, vendors, etc. and what has been paid for (or will be paid for with the $$$ from your parents/you & s/o).”

Then I would just be direct with her and say, “we certainly were not expecting for you to pay for the rest, but to be honest, we are not clear on what you are comfortable contributing toward our big day, so if you like, I can share with you what we have left to cover, and/or let you talk with FFIL and decide how much you wish to contribute if anything. But please know we are certainly grateful for any gift you wish to contribute toward this day, and appreciate your willingness to help us start our marriage off on a happy note & with the least amount of debt.”

Post # 15
Member
2833 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@missstarling:  if she’s contributing anything at all, then yes, I think she has a right to know the entire budget. So if she’s asked for it, then you should arrange to give it to her, IMO. While I don’t think it necessarily concerns her what other parties may or may not be contributing (because then she’s getting involved in the other parties’ finances), now that she has that information, she will hopefully use it as intended. Also, please continue planning your wedding as though you are paying for it yourselves. There have been enough threads on here about people whose parents promised thousands, then left them with the bill. Also, I’d try to find out (in a polite way) what strings will be attached to this money. For example, does she think she can give you $1000 and invite 40 extra people? 

Post # 16
Member
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Honestly, I think she’s being nosy and wants credit publicly for something she is not doing.

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