Post # 1
From a planning standpoint, I’m a champ. From an emotional standpoint…I’m having a rough week. I got in an email fight with my fiance’s mom (FMIL).
I was inviting her to do a trial for her hair and makeup because I offered to get a semi-professional friend to do it. She said a self defacating remark about herself, jokingly, while downwardly compared herself using a stereotypical race insult in regards to her makeup. I said, by the way, Lynnette (hair/makeup artist) is _______that same race. A few emails later…she blew up in a rant saying…am I stranger, maybe she shouldn’t come to the shower, who do I think SHE is? and some more stuff having to do with HER self concept. This is the first time she has ever become negative with me and the first time I have ever escalated into something on email with anyone. FMIL has a history of family grudges and is overall in NOT a good place concerning forgiveness of anyone.
FI came over and I showed him everything. At first, he defended her, scolded me, we fought a bit, then he had compassion and comforted me. Now he said he wants to stay out of it and recommended I talk to friends, but not to my family for fear of things getting even more awkward. He thinks I should handle it with her but not til she cools down. The junky thing is that RIGHT after I wrote the last email — answering various questions she had and yet still maintaining that I understood that it was a joke she didn’t mean– theone that set her off…I went and sent her a nice ecard (about me making a mountain out of a molehill) apologizing, taking responsibility, looking forward to making up in person and putting it past us….but she never read it because I didn’t get a return receipt even though it was within minutes of the other one and before she responded very very harshly. She picked and chose what she wanted to hear. I know his mom has major issues (background) but I do not know what to do but keep trying to forgive.
The shower is next week and my aunty is a stickler. She is so formal and would flip if people rsvp then don’t show (she’s making such elaborate favors–clay flowers put together in a bouquet–for each person) so I know it’s secondary but I wonder what will happen next because I will have to tell family that she is not coming. I need prayer!!
Post # 3
I’m a little confused about exactly what happened. What did you say to her to make her so mad?
I know this may not be a popular opinion, but this all seems so irrational and “in her head” if you know what I mean. I would just bite the bullet and apoligize. I don’t see much point in making a point or trying ot “stand your ground” because it seems like even you are confused about what the disagreement is over! I sympathize. This is tough. I think I’d call her on the phone every day until you get her on the line. Then keep it short and sweet and say something like
“FMIL, I’m so sorry about our conversation last week. I hope I didn’t unintentionally say something that hurt you. It means so much to me that you are a part of me and FI’s wedding day, and I don’t want anything to interfere with that. Please accept my apology. Will you still be a part of the shower on ____? I would love to have you there”
I think saying something like “making a mountain out of a molehill” may seem to diminish her feelings.
Post # 4
Thanks….It’s pretty stressful b/c I live to avoid conflict with people as much as possible, except my FI and my own mom.
She said she didn’t want to wear makeup that would make her look like a ____(race/job)______ on __(drugs)____. Insulting racial type of humor. I just mentioned that L was that ethnicity.
She was maintaining that it was a joke about herself and not the makeup artist. I said I got that she was joking and just wanted to give her the heads up and proceeded to answer her other questions. She was very upset that I misinterpreted her and it got much worse from there. FI said DON”T email her back b/c she won’t appreciate it yet he doesn’t want me to drive over so I will have to call, probably tomorrow.
The ecard I sent, said ‘making a mountain out of a molehill’ and it was before she blew up. It was an I’m sorry card. She never read it anyway so that’s not what set her off but I hear what you’re saying. That too can be misinterpreted when you are not in a good place.
Post # 5
Oooh I see. I hate conflict too. It makes me feel like I’m going to throw up! I just want everyone to be nice to each other all the time! I think a phone call is the way to go– and I’d keep it very short and very sweet. Just bend over backwards for her to get it over with. If she tries to prolong the argument just say
“FMIL, I wanted to call and apologize. I’m not sure if you are ready to talk about this just yet. I hope you can forgive me and we can get past this. Please call me soon when you feel like talking”