FMIL caught lying… why?

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

This is tough. I would say first mention it to your mother in law. Don’t flat out call her out on her lies but maybe if you say something along the lines of “My mom tikld me you mentioned we check in with you often when we go on trips and it can be a little hard for you to see us leave. I had no idea you felt this way. I know that we don’t really check in with you very often. Is that something you would like from us?”

IDK…its kind of a hairy situation bc you don’t want to cause a riff b/tw your FI and his mom like what happened with FBIL and these lies are not damaging in any way. It just sounds like she feels a little excluded and wants to be more involved in your lives. It seems like each lie is a way of her dealing with the hurt of the actuality of the situation. She felt badly b/c she didn’t know he was proposing and thought she should. She felt bac bc you check in with your mom and not her. She maybe wants to be closer to you so she does feel something emotional when you visit and leave…? IDK what do you think?

Post # 3
Member
2364 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

NovemBride1415:  My FMIL is verrry much the same.  First of all, my mom and I are incredibly close and it’s obvious she tries to compete with that.  She and FI do not have the same relationship.  

Not so much blatant lies, but she talks out of both sides of her mouth.  Says one thing, does another.  Makes no sense.  Make ludicrous statements.  Will say something out of the ordinary and irrelevant.  Cries poverty then makes a big purchase.  However, my FI is completely aware of it.  It’s not like he defends her or puts up with anything.  

What you described above is not earth shattering, but it could make you raise an eyebrow.  I wouldn’t so much worry about her as your FI’s perception of her.  Have you had an honest conversation with you about how her statements make you feel?  

 

Post # 4
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

NovemBride1415:  Honestly she sounds a lot like my FMIL. She wants other people to think she’s very much included in our lives. Not that she’s excluded, but he only calls her about as much as any other 27 year old man – like a couple times a month, on holidays, or to tell her something specific.

But she likes other people to think we’re all so close and call all the time and that we LOVE staying with her and LOVE her cooking…it’s not exactly lies, but it is embellishment.

Post # 6
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Personally, I wouldn’t say a thing. I would be aware of the fact that she sometimes emeblishes the truth, and to take the things she says with a grain of salt, but other than that none of these lies actually matter in any way. What would you even say, anyway? “You told my mom we always call you, but we don’t so stop telling people we call!” That will only come off as petty and ridiculous.

It sounds like she’s probably somewhat jealous of your relationship with your mom and is trying to inflate her importance in your lives, and you’re overly cautious because of her relationship with your FBIL’s wife. Saying things like you always call, or she cries when you leave…..those are white lies that hurt no one. And saying she knew her son was going to propose might not actually be a lie: my MIL has always said she knew very early on her son would propose to me, not necessarily because he directly told her so, but just because she could tell we were really in love.

I’d let it go: you are not going to gain anything by calling her out other than to look petty, and potentilaly cause a rift. She sounds like she’s probably lonely and is wanting to be close with you, particularly after what happened with FBIL’s wife.

Post # 8
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee

 

NovemBride1415:  I think she is definitely jealous of the relationship you have with your Mom. But I think maybe you should try giving her a chance again. She may just want  to be close with you but doesn’t know how to move forward, especially after losing that with FBIL. That being said, you should ‘know’ if this suggestion is appropriate or not. Go with your gut. If it feels innocent, give her another chance. If it feels like she is manipulating, she most likely is and you should proceed with caution with all matters with her (don’t cause a rift, moreso create hardline relationship boundaries with her).

Post # 10
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think she’s just jealous of the relationship. My MIL now does the same thing with my son. She’s super jealous of my mom being able to care for my son, so she will beef up stories about times we visited or how much she cares to seem like she’s better.

I say if it isn’t hurting you, I would just let it go. The hardest thing for MILs is the fact that their DILs are so close with their own moms and now their son has a new woman in his life that is become priority #1 too.

Post # 11
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

To be perfectly honest, I don’t see the big deal here. None of these white lies are really effecting your lives and she’s doing what a lot of folks do: play up the truth to make themselves seem better. It’s a reflection on her, not you. I say let it go.

Post # 13
Member
2421 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

NovemBride1415:  Did she say he told her that he was going to propose?  Or that she knew he would propose to you 2 years before he did?  Those are 2 different things.  My FI never told his family he was going to propose, but yet the very weekend he did they were all placing bets at dinner on when we’d get engaged.  They knew without him telling them directly.  It was plain as day that he’d be proposing!  So I’d give her a pass on that one unless she claims he told her 2 years prior.  She very well could have known by watching you two together. 

The other 2 examples, it sounds like she’s keeping a face to others and wants other people to believe you’re closer than you are.  Why?  Who knows?  Maybe she wishes she had a closer relationship with you guys and doesn’t want to admit to other people that she doesn’t.  

I’m sure your FI already knows this about his mother.  I wouldn’t make a big deal about it. 

Post # 14
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper

I wouldn’t even call them lies. They all sound more like wishful thinking on her part.

As far as it causing anything at all between the Moms, I wouldn’t worry about it even a little bit. They don’t have to be best friends because of the two of you.

Post # 15
Member
6866 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Only the first example sounds like it totally defies reality. And yes, it’s very weird. PPs have done a good job explaining the likely motivation.  However, it does point to a tendency to invent stories and I’d be on the lookout for other things that point to a loosened grip on reality.  For one thing, it’s just plain  stupid  to think a mother and daughter don’t talk or compare notes.

The other two examples don’t bother me at all. “Crying” after you leave might not have been meant literally. She’s sad. Maybe she’s crying inside 

She might have “known” two years ahead that H would propose. Again, she’s not necessarily talking in such a concrete way.  She’s his mom so she  wants to feel in hindsight that she “knew.” Not a big deal. And it’s always possible that H said something way back about how you may be the one.

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