FMIL changing the ceremony!

posted 3 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 2
Member
90 posts
Worker bee

Hell f****ng no! Speak with FH, express your disdain for this “arrangement”, and have him call FMIL immediately and tell her no! This is absolutely unacceptable. I’d probably be so mad that I’d just call her right back and say no, flat out. Thanks for the offer, but we’ve already planned the ceremony according to our wishes and it will NOT be changing.

Post # 4
Member
2179 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

She’s way out of line. Call her yourself or have your FI call her but one of you needs to say that the choir singing isn’t happening.

Maybe suggest they sing when the guests arrive and until the processional starts…then they are quiet.

Post # 5
Member
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Is she suggesting just the brother sing or the entire choir group? Is she expecting you to feed the group as well? That’s a question I would want to have answered before I considered this any further. 

Post # 6
Member
3344 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

af123:  +1

Yes, your FMIL is psycho and completely out of line.  Get your FI on your side and put an end to this nonsense.  Have him explain to his mother that this is YOUR wedding and that she is not welcome to make any plans or changes.

Post # 7
Member
9533 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Does your husband want his uncle and his group to sing? If so, you might have to work on a compromise, since it’s his wedding too. However, if he doesn’t want his uncle to sing and was just going along with his mom, then I’d have him call and say “Thanks but no thanks”. 

Post # 8
Member
2205 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Jen041815:  +1, these are important questions.

This is pretty rude to the guitar/violin duo you hired as well.  It’d be one thing if they knew about this form the beginning, but now they could see this like a point that maybe they’re not good enough to provide all the music for the ceremony.

Your compromise is perfect.  Anything more is downright rude.

The only conflicting thing seems to be your FI.  Is he being a pushover or does he really like this idea?  In either case, I feel like your compromise with them singing before the ceremony is great.  You went through all the work for planning, and unless he had an issue then, he shouldn’t have an issue now.

Post # 9
Member
90 posts
Worker bee

LeBonbon:  well, FH, too bad! You are the bride, and hell with his psycho mother! His family does NOT get to dictate your life or your wedding just because they dictate to other people. FH and his mother both need to understand that. The sooner you make it clear that a choir is neither performing nor invited, the better! 

Post # 10
Member
1216 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

LeBonbon:  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO! As if making plans for your wedding isn’t bad enough, planning for a religious singing group to perform at your non-religious wedding. JUST SAY NO!

Post # 12
Member
250 posts
Helper bee

Here is my 2 cents.  First, tell them that you will gladly change to his uncle singing if she will reimburse you for the money you have already paid to your current musicians.  I would remind them that you asked for input a while ago and they said they were fine with whatever.  Second, I know with my contracts with my musicians that I agreed that no other musicians will be at the venue without thier written permission.  My photographer has this in his contract as well. I would just say “sorry, due to the contract that is signed and paid for we have agreed to having them as the sole musicians for the venue. We will be voiding the contract if he sings and they could walk out on us at the ceremony with our money.”  Just put it to a logistics thing.  Finally, if they are throwing a rehearsal dinner why not have the Uncle sing then?

Sorry I am really fortunate that my in laws are awesome and are on the same page as me so I can’t speak from experience but just ideas of how to get around a tough situation.  Hope it all works out!

Post # 13
Member
3344 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

LeBonbon:  You absolutely do not have to incorporate them if you really don’t want to.  One of my husband’s uncles offered to DJ our wedding.  I didn’t even want a DJ, let alone a non-professional one.  Needless to say, I won that battle and got the band I wanted and DH was 100% happy with it. The uncle’s daughter ended up being our flower girl, so he still got to be involved in the wedding and I never heard any complaints from him about not DJing.

Post # 14
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

I would be mad. It’s a WEDDING! Not a backyard bbq. Weddings take time, planning, logistics, money, and vision. You can’t just throw in a new “act” willy nilly. What does she expect you to do with the musicians you’ve hired? Fire them? lose the deposit? it’s very selfish to make decisions about your wedding without discussing them with you. and regarding the issue with them not being the “focus” i would 100% say to her “well, I was sort of hoping that FI and I would be the focus of our wedding ceremony” it’s so straightforward it almost sounds rude, but it’s perfect for making her realize how absurd that is. 

Post # 15
Member
1618 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Ohh, no no no no no, a thousand no’s!!!! Unless fmil is footing the bill (which I’m assuming she’s not) then she gets zero say in anything other than what she wears. If you HAVE to, I would have them sing after the ceremony while you do pictures, or something of that nature. If the uncle doesn’t like that since full attention won’t be on him, well, the f*** him. It’s not his wedding, it’s not his personal concert. Honestly, I would say no to him singing at all. 

Uhhggg, I just want to call your fmil myself and tell her to mind her own business. 

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