Post # 1
I’m so frustrated right now, the whole planning process has gone smoothly until now – three months from the wedding!
We’re having a smallish wedding, 75 ppl, both have huge families that we aren’t in contact with because they live all over North America, so many aren’t on the invite list and it’s no big deal because we haven’t seen them in 15 years and many of FI’s have never met me and vice-versa. I have planned pretty much the entire wedding myself, a little input from bridesmaids when I’m torn, but besides that, it’s been all me. When we get together with FI’s family, they’ll ask how it’s going, but don’t really care about details, just tell them when to show up and that’s about it.
So when planning the ceremony, I made sure to ask FI’s family if they had any traditions, readings or anything they would like added. Nothing. So I planned everything, found the guitar/violin duo that could play what I wanted, figured out details and now have everything sorted and was feeling good. Yesterday my FMIL calls me and tells me her brother (whom I’ve never even heard of) is coming from the US with his church singing group for a concert the same weekend as the wedding and they’ve decided they will sing during our ceremony! Note, this was not a request, but she TOLD me he will be singing. I’m at a loss for words so I tell her that I already have hired, paid for and figured out the music with my musicians, so she just tells me they don’t need to perform the whole ceremony, the uncle can either sing when I walk down or when we do our signing or right after our “I do”s!
I just am so frustrated at this point. She then proceeds to call FI before I can talk to him to surprise him with this great news, so he gets into the idea, despite the fact that just a week ago we met with the DJ and I expressed how singing at weddings is one of my biggest pet peeves. I tried to compromise by saying maybe they could sing for the guests after the ceremony when we start pictures, but apparently that’s a huge insult because they won’t want to do it “if the focus isn’t on them”. Why would I want the focus on them in OUR ceremony?!
I know, I’m sounding like a mega bitch, but I really despise singing at weddings and really don’t want a church group performing at our non-church outdoor ceremony. I don’t know if I just needed to vent or need suggestions about what point in the ceremony I can have this group perform without it being the focus?
Post # 2
Hell f****ng no! Speak with FH, express your disdain for this “arrangement”, and have him call FMIL immediately and tell her no! This is absolutely unacceptable. I’d probably be so mad that I’d just call her right back and say no, flat out. Thanks for the offer, but we’ve already planned the ceremony according to our wishes and it will NOT be changing.
Post # 3
af123: So I’m not crazy for thinking it’s way out of line, right?! I tried talking about it with FI, his response was “That’s just how my family does things, you know that. They aren’t organized like you, so when family comes through last minute, we just make changes to accomadate them because it’s family.” So now I feel like crap that my automatic response wasn’t joy and acceptance because it’s his uncle and he hasn’t been here in years.
Post # 4
She’s way out of line. Call her yourself or have your FI call her but one of you needs to say that the choir singing isn’t happening.
Maybe suggest they sing when the guests arrive and until the processional starts…then they are quiet.
Post # 5
Is she suggesting just the brother sing or the entire choir group? Is she expecting you to feed the group as well? That’s a question I would want to have answered before I considered this any further.
Post # 6
- Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island
Yes, your FMIL is psycho and completely out of line. Get your FI on your side and put an end to this nonsense. Have him explain to his mother that this is YOUR wedding and that she is not welcome to make any plans or changes.
Post # 7
Does your husband want his uncle and his group to sing? If so, you might have to work on a compromise, since it’s his wedding too. However, if he doesn’t want his uncle to sing and was just going along with his mom, then I’d have him call and say “Thanks but no thanks”.
Post # 8
Jen041815: +1, these are important questions.
This is pretty rude to the guitar/violin duo you hired as well. It’d be one thing if they knew about this form the beginning, but now they could see this like a point that maybe they’re not good enough to provide all the music for the ceremony.
Your compromise is perfect. Anything more is downright rude.
The only conflicting thing seems to be your FI. Is he being a pushover or does he really like this idea? In either case, I feel like your compromise with them singing before the ceremony is great. You went through all the work for planning, and unless he had an issue then, he shouldn’t have an issue now.
Post # 9
LeBonbon: well, FH, too bad! You are the bride, and hell with his psycho mother! His family does NOT get to dictate your life or your wedding just because they dictate to other people. FH and his mother both need to understand that. The sooner you make it clear that a choir is neither performing nor invited, the better!
Post # 10
LeBonbon: no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO! As if making plans for your wedding isn’t bad enough, planning for a religious singing group to perform at your non-religious wedding. JUST SAY NO!
Post # 11
Bazinga: I really like this suggestion. I’m going to run it by them.
He would like his uncle to sing. Well, he sees both sides. He knows I despise singing at weddings (it’s not a concert, it’s a wedding!), and had I reminded him my feelings, he would have told his mother right away. But she got to him first. Played up the “family” aspect of it and how his uncle really wants to do it, so FI thinks it would be nice. That’s why I’m now thinking I have to incorporate them somehow, can’t outright refuse.
I swear though, I’m just happy to read that it’s not just me finding this whole thing to be out of line.
Post # 12
Here is my 2 cents. First, tell them that you will gladly change to his uncle singing if she will reimburse you for the money you have already paid to your current musicians. I would remind them that you asked for input a while ago and they said they were fine with whatever. Second, I know with my contracts with my musicians that I agreed that no other musicians will be at the venue without thier written permission. My photographer has this in his contract as well. I would just say “sorry, due to the contract that is signed and paid for we have agreed to having them as the sole musicians for the venue. We will be voiding the contract if he sings and they could walk out on us at the ceremony with our money.” Just put it to a logistics thing. Finally, if they are throwing a rehearsal dinner why not have the Uncle sing then?
Sorry I am really fortunate that my in laws are awesome and are on the same page as me so I can’t speak from experience but just ideas of how to get around a tough situation. Hope it all works out!
Post # 13
- Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island
LeBonbon: You absolutely do not have to incorporate them if you really don’t want to. One of my husband’s uncles offered to DJ our wedding. I didn’t even want a DJ, let alone a non-professional one. Needless to say, I won that battle and got the band I wanted and DH was 100% happy with it. The uncle’s daughter ended up being our flower girl, so he still got to be involved in the wedding and I never heard any complaints from him about not DJing.
Post # 14
I would be mad. It’s a WEDDING! Not a backyard bbq. Weddings take time, planning, logistics, money, and vision. You can’t just throw in a new “act” willy nilly. What does she expect you to do with the musicians you’ve hired? Fire them? lose the deposit? it’s very selfish to make decisions about your wedding without discussing them with you. and regarding the issue with them not being the “focus” i would 100% say to her “well, I was sort of hoping that FI and I would be the focus of our wedding ceremony” it’s so straightforward it almost sounds rude, but it’s perfect for making her realize how absurd that is.
Post # 15
Ohh, no no no no no, a thousand no’s!!!! Unless fmil is footing the bill (which I’m assuming she’s not) then she gets zero say in anything other than what she wears. If you HAVE to, I would have them sing after the ceremony while you do pictures, or something of that nature. If the uncle doesn’t like that since full attention won’t be on him, well, the f*** him. It’s not his wedding, it’s not his personal concert. Honestly, I would say no to him singing at all.
Uhhggg, I just want to call your fmil myself and tell her to mind her own business.