Post # 1
So my fmil and I used to get along great. Then she realized her son and I were actually serious and she started uninviting me from dinners, talking down to me, including pretty much telling me that because he plans on being a lawyer that he will be working long hours and eventually end up cheating on me?!
So fast forward to recently when we got engaged. She knew he planned on proposing yet keeps talking about our wedding like she doesn’t believe it’s actually going to happen. She knows we’re planning a long engagement, 2 years, yet she just gave us a card for our engagement today and instead of saying nice things about how she can’t wait for me to be her daughter in law she decides to write a long paragraph telling us not to rush into things and to put off getting married for quite a few years! Who says that in a card?! I know it’s not a huge deal but I’m just so frustrated and honestly bummed because I really wanted a great relationship with her yet I can’t believe that she is so against us getting married that she would even write about it in a card. I know it might sound like she’s just trying to make sure we’re being responsible but trust me, if u knew her and her attitude you would understand that her writing that was just another insult. She treats her other son’s wife the same so at least I’m not being singled out but I just am bummed. I really thought that she would get excited about wedding planning with us, my family is ecstatic so it really hurts when she is trying to postpone the wedding as long as possible (another 8 years would suffice according to her card :P).
Any ideas on how to deal with an unsupportive fmil? I’ve tried getting on her good side, have given her flowers, taken her out for dinner just the two of us and nothing has helped 🙁
Thanks for listening Bees!
Post # 3
kierbear24…im sooo sorry to hear that you’re going through this!!! sending hugs your way!! sounds to me like you’ve tried everything you can to get her on your side. as much as it sucks….she’s prolly not gonna change soon. especially since she treats her other son’s wife the same. i would say to keep going about your wedding planning. from time to time give her the opportunity to help so that you’re completely excluding her and just try to not let it get to you 🙁 i dont have issues with my Future Mother-In-Law, i have issues with my mom who i cant seem to get into my wedding. i eventually just stopped asking for her opinion on stuff, accepted it and im trying to have as much fun as i can with the rest of my planning. my dad and his side of the family are excited and cant wait so im getting tons of help from them. good luck with your Future Mother-In-Law. maybe watch the movie monster-in-law to help put ya in a better mood 🙂 i cant help but laugh everytime i watch that movie!
Post # 4
That sucks 🙁 I hate to say it but you’ve done as much as you can. If you’re already doing your best and she doesn’t like you, I don’t think you can change her. With that said, your Fiance should be speaking to her about this. She isn’t required to be your bff, but she should at least be respectful of your relationship with her son. Keep your chin up.
Post # 5
You can’t make her like you, but she needs to respect you and be nice to you. If she’s not doing that, have Fiance step in. He needs to be on your side and make it clear to his Mom that he won’t tollerate her treating you badly.
Post # 6
kierbear24 how is your FH’s relationship with her? My FH barely speaks with both his parents, I have no clue if they approve of me or not and neither of us really care so in our case it works just fine but it could be problematic. His mother tends to freak out if there are grandkids involved and wants to become more involved, she did this with his sister. We’ve talked and agreed of what we’ll do when we come to that. If your FH is not that close with her then it’s probably not a big deal but if he is I would say this is someone that you do have to spend every holiday and birthday and important family event with (if you guys are that type of family) you might want to consider trying to talk to her. Tell her you understand her concerns and reiterate that you two are having a long engagement but you’d like to start off on the right foot supporting each other rather than against each other right off the bat. The reality is she’ll need you as an alley as well right so it is in her best interest to try as well? I’ve never understood women like this. Good Luck!
Post # 7
Thanks for all the great advice!
To answer your questions, FH and her are definitely not what I would call really close (he gets really frustrated with her), although she calls multiple times a day. I know she’s bummed that he’s the youngest and won’t be her little baby anymore but we’ve lived together for a year and he moved out two years before that so it’s not like they spent tons of time together anyways. He’s tried talking to her numerous times but she seems to have perfected her selective listening skills and talking to her literally accomplishes nothing. I guess I just need to accept that unfortunately this is the way it is and we can’t do anything to change the situation. I’ve been nothing but sweet and friendly so it’s not like I need to change anything about myself. It’s just who she is and she’s not going to change now.
Thanks for the encouragement though and I just might watch monster in law for a good laugh 🙂
Post # 8
just realized that i forgot to add a word in my first post….what i had meant to say was …. from time to time give her the opportunity to help so that you’re NOT completely excluding her….punctuation can be everything sometimes! sorry bout that….my brain must have gotten ahead of my fingers.
Post # 9
i’m so sorry that she is being so difficult! 🙁 i think honestly the only thing you can do is push past her… try to focus as much as possible on you and your Fiance. from the sounds of it she has control issues over her sons, so you may have to grow some thick skin around her. fmils can be such a bother sometimes, i’m very sorry!
Post # 10
I agree with everyone that there is nothing you can do at this point…its her issue…and no matter how awesome you are…she will still see you as taking away her son. Your family is very excited so I would try to spend more time around them…and just not worry about your Future Mother-In-Law….just ignore her and think about your wondeful man and your supportive family 🙂
Post # 11
I don’t have any great words of advice, but wanted to know you aren’t alone. My Future Mother-In-Law disapproves of her 3 DILs, and while we’ve only spent a day together, I know that I would end up just like the others. It’s not the best suggestion, but limiting contact or situations where you become uncomfortable is about the best I have. She is not going to change, so all you can do is mentally prepare yourself for what she’s going to put you through. You may want a good relationship with her, but she’s probably not going to let that happen.
Post # 12
Welcome to my Mother-In-Law doesn’t like me club! Limit your contact.. whenever I see my Mother-In-Law I end up angry, hurt, or both.
Post # 13
I had a roommate receive a card (on multiple occassions) from her boyfriends parents… one even went so far to say that her NOW HUSBAND shouldn’t be dating her because they are students and therefore not ready to get married or.. wait for this… BREASTFEED!
For her, many many tears later… they got married… and now have a baby. While her relationship with the Father-In-Law isn’t perfect, it’s tolerable. They also now don’t live nearby, which in some ways helped too…
It may take time, which is frustrating… I’m sure with time she’ll hopefully soften…