Post # 1
Okay guys..I need some advice on how to handle this. Here is the backstory..my FMIL and I started off great. She welcomed me into the family with open arms…especially after finding out I was having her first grandbaby. She is a really nice woman, but I don’t know how to take some of her comments. First off, she has been VERY nosey about the wedding budget. Before she committed to a number she wanted the whole thing laid out. She then said she would pay $2000 (won’t even cover food for her family) and that leaves my parents with the other $10,000. I appreciate it, and understand that times are hard for everyone, but she keeps talking about how much she is helping. Then, she invited herself to go dress shopping with me. I wanted it to be just my mother and sister, but I invited her to keep things nice. Every dress I tried on the first thing she asked about was price. Like I am going to decide on a dress because of a $100 difference!! Then, as my mom is signing the paperwork she leaned over her to look at the price. Is that normal? I was raised not really to discuss prices with people so I may just be the weird one? Then, on the way out of the store she pulls me aside to ask about what kind of jewelry I am thinking..and I respond back with big statement earrings. She goes…”Seriously?”..and said that multiple times. She wanted me to wear little diamond studs that she had ordered off of ebay…another nice gesture, but not something I wanted to wear on our big day. Also, she keeps “helping with ideas” about a photographer/caterer, but everyone she sends me is CRAZY expensive. She’s also said she won’t pay for his tux…her only son. Am I just taking everything the wrong way?
I am just really getting tired of it. I’ve tried to keep her involved as much as possible, but every task I give her doesn’t get completed. She even tried to pan the Groom’s cake off on my mother, who is making the wedding cake!
Also…my fiance and I live an hour away from them, so they don’t get to see our son except for once or twice a month. He is working long hours and rarely gets a day off so we spend those days together. Last weekend we let them keep him overnight. They are the first people to do so…and then the next day she starts going on about how she feels like she is #2 on the list of grandparents. This comment especially hurt my feelings because I try to keep everything even, and they even kept him overnight! Now, she’s insisting they keep him over the honeymoon…that we haven’t even said we are going to take because of our financial situation and I don’t want to stop nursing.
Sorry for the long post..I needed a vent..and some opinions on how I should handle the situation. Thanks in advance bees!
Post # 3
When you come from different backgrounds, it might seem to you like she is perpetuating problems. She may indeed just feel like she is trying to help. Treating you openly like she would a daughter.
However, I completely understand. I don’t want you to kiss up to her by any means but maybe for your own sake, let her comments fall on your deaf ears and smile.
She may secreatly feel that you see her 2K as minimal next to your family’s 10K. She wants validation from you it seems.
Can you involve her in helping with the centerpieces, invites, favors? Anything?
If she continues to overstep, have your fiance talk to her! Good luck!
Ooops, did you just add the cake bit? Have your fiance talk to her. And the dress shopping would have irked me too. It’s a very personal experience and she shouldn’t have invited herself. You could have went dress shopping with her alone for HER dress.
Post # 4
Thank you! It just feels good to hear it from other people. It is not the money that bothers me, I was just venting and throwing out numbers. It’s the constantly suggesting really expensive stuff, and the dress shopping. At first, I was trying to plan a low budget wedding. She insisted on the venue, saying she will pay for it, but then doesn’t think about decorations/dj/catering. Our guest list is also seriously lopsided, he has a huge family so it’s not really anything that can be helped. But, I don’t feel like it’s right for my mother to pay for everyone’s food and drinks. Mainly, I just needed to get it all out!! I know it will all work itself out, and honestly I am grateful for her because I know it could be a lot worse.
Post # 5
I’m having some similar experiences as well – I think that some people are just not great at budgets and realizing how quickly things add up. I know that I look at my spreadsheet all the time to see where I’m at with the budget – but I’m probably the only one.
I think its odd that she would order earrings for you without even mentioning it to you. I could see if they had some sort of family meaning…but some random purchase off of ebay? I don’t get it.
I do think the best policy is to just let it slide and move along…money is what people argue about most in life and someone has to take the higher ground.
Post # 6
I’ll tell you something: My MIL was the same way. Guest list was 85% my husband’s side. When MIL refused to pay for them or help pay for them? We canceled the whole she-bang and had an intimate wedding. I’m telling you this in reference to:
But, I don’t feel like it’s right for my mother to pay for everyone’s food and drinks.
I’m not saying cancel your big “she-bag”. Just letting you know I know EXACTLY how you feel.
Post # 7
IDK-maybe she has NO idea how much weddings can cost these days, and is trying to be helpful? Maybe you could wear the earrings from her for the RD? If you don’t want her to be as involved, maybe you could just keep things you want to yourself?
Post # 8
@abnorris: Hey! Welcome to the club! I am in the same boat as you. I love my FMIL, we get along great, but I can’t stand her sometimes, and for the past couple of months I have been keeping her out of the dark with the wedding planning. This past weekend, my FI and I were invited over to her house for a family BBQ. So, she started asking about the ceremony plans, and bla bla bla. THEN, she says “Can I just make one request?” and we said “What?” and she says “Can i request a song to be played at the ceremony?” WTF!?! I almost blew my top. Instead I just sat in silence and didn’t say a word. Then she says “Are you having the organ or the piano because the piano sounds so much better.” Uh, last time I checked this was our wedding, and when was the last time you went to church? I was so mad that I had to get up and go inside and act like I had to use the bathroom. I just think she crossed the line on that one. This isn’t a free for all, we aren’t taking requests. You got married and got to plan your wedding the way you wanted to so leave us the F*#k alone. I don’t understand why people think a wedding is about them and not the couple? So, I am going to let that one go. FI hasn’t mentioned it and he tends to forget things very easily so I am just going to wait until we meet with Pastor the end of this month and hope that it doesn’t come up again. The other question that pissed me off was that she was asking if we were having a brunch the day after the wedding. My FI says “Yes” and I said “No” and she looks at me with surprise and says, “You’re not having a brunch?” When FI and I left to go home I told him that we and my parents are done putting anymore money into this wedding. There will be no brunch. I actually called FMIL later that evening to set everything straight. I first thanked her for having us down for the BBQ, told her everything was great and that we had a good time. Then I said, “I know that you had mentioned the idea of a brunch, but because we are at budget right now, we will not be hosting one, unless of course you want to host something the next day.” So, I nipped that in the bud. It just aggravates me because they are not contributing towards the wedding and yet are telling us how to plan our ceremony, and ask us if we are hosting a brunch, which we would most likely have to pay for. Sorry, aint’t gonna happen. On July 30th we have another family BBQ to go to, but on the 26th we are meeting with our Pastor iron out all the details for the ceremony. I really hope that she doesn’t grill us about the ceremony when we see her at the BBQ. I don’t think it is any of her business what we decide as far as music, and readings go; it’s our wedding. My sister gave me really good advice. She told me when she does things like that to put on my big girl panties and call her out on it right away, because if I don’t it will create more problems, and she will keep on doing it. So, we’ll see what happens July 30th. Sorry for the vent, I guess I really needed it too.
Post # 9
@abnorris: The first part of your post is EXACTLY my FMIL to a TEE!! They were initially going to split the cost evenly between the parents. Unfortunately, 2 weeks after we got engaged – my dad lost his job after 15 years, so that put the burden on FH and I, but we happily downsized to what we could meet financially.
FMIL and FFIL said they would still help and make sure we had a great wedding and continued to offer money and this and that — and then when we all went dress shopping, she did the SAME THING and then had the nerve to say something about what my mom spent, considering my dad didn’t have a job. RAN. ALL. OVER. ME!
Just a week or so later, FH asked them what amount they planned on contributing (since they had offered, NUMEROUS times) and it BLOWS UP! They start talking that they will have to take a loan out to help contribute and blah blah, and it seriously blew up into a whole argument where FSIL (WHO IS PREGNANT, DUE NEXT MONTH) and all of us got into a huge argument. After that, I told FH — don’t you dare ask them for a penny and they better not offer up ONE MORE OPINION or I’m going to flip my lid.
Anywho, sorry to put that all on me..
Have you tried talking with FH about it? Some of our problem was FH always including his mom/sister on our financials and what we were paying on “this” for the wedding or “this”. . and I finally had to let him know that it didn’t work that way. We were grown adults paying our own bills and living together and doing just fine .. we don’t need their inputs, opinions, or approval. That’s definitely helped us out quite a bit.
Good Luck! Keep us updated!
Post # 10
@abnorris: It sounds to me that she is trying to help out with the costs however the tone and manner is not the correct one. I don’t believe she means bad, however you upbringing was a more conservative one when it comes to finances.
In regards to the comment she made about her grandson, she probably feels that way since she rarely sees him. Maybe, next time when all of you are together kind of hint “did you like staying with grandma because that was your very first overnight stay with anyone” so that she hears it and wonders “boy, not even her mother got first dibes”
Post # 11
Sorry you have to deal with this, I too have an fmil that thinks wedding essentials grow on trees. It sucks when they’re nice to you, and genuinely nice people, so when they act out it’s like wtf? I can’t be mad at you because you mean well!
We can’t be sure from a limited description but it does seem like she is a case of
no idea how much weddings cost + seeking your approval+ poor social skills
It’s annoying enough when people around you don’t “get it” what this all costs with all the extras (venue scenerio where the rental fee is a lot plus all the added expenses) but it exacerbates the situation when abrupt manners come in to play. My family is conservative with money talk too, so it throws me off when fmil is always talking talking talking about how broke they are.
As for actively handling the situation, I agree with pp’s that you should try to make her feel appreciated for little things (like you would a child), but when it gets to be too much or if she really steps over a boundary, it’s FI’s job to reign her in- not yours.
Best of luck to you!
Post # 12
I see this whole thing as how sometimes Mothers just can’t win. People on here complain all the time about no involvement,too much involvement, too many opinions, no opinions,helping,not helping……….where does it end and where is the happy medium?
Why does everyone assume that most of us Mothers all planned our own weddings, anyway? MOST of us in our generation had our Mothers plan them, and that’s just the way it was. We picked our dresses and attendents, and maybe the colors we wanted to use, but for the most part, our Moms did it all and we just showed up. Now no one wants us to even have opinions about anything, so where do we fit in all of this? Just to happily turn over the cash so our daughters can do and have what they want? It isn’t much fun being looked at as only the bank and to be complained about at every turn.
It makes me sad when I read stories like this and often wonder how much you’ll remember when it comes to your own turn when your kids get married.
Post # 13
I think mothers can and do win when they have tact and good manners. OP mentioned having tried to include her in other ways and having her leave the projects incomplete while vying for other tasks and outings.
I would agree that perspective is important, there is a veerry touchy debate of too involved/not involved enough.
Post # 14
I think you have my FMIL, except in reverse. I get the nosy feedback like for example. My wedding dress was already very lowly priced. And she was shocked a wedding dress could cost more than $300. (WTF!?!??!)
Post # 15
THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH!! I now truly understand what Weddingbee is all about!! You ladies gave me great feedback…and let me know that I wasn’t the only one. I have officially decided to let things go in one ear and out the other. If she crosses the line, I will let FI handle it. We are getting close to October so soon all the drama regarding the wedding will be over. As for the rest of our lives, I might eventually have to nicely put her in her place 🙂
@smyley I can see how you would think that. Sometimes people are just bridezilla’s and no one can do anything right, but I really do not feel like that is how I am acting. My mother is extremely involved in my wedding planning, and I do not know what I would do without her!! FMIL acts like she wants to be involved, but then doesn’t ever complete the task. I do think it can be difficult/confusing to be the MOG, I’m a mother now and hopefully will play that role one day too, and I will keep in mind my experiences and hopefully not drive my future daughter in law crazy!!