Weddingbee boards

So to make a long story short, I have never gotten along with my FMIL. She's never satisfied no matter how hard I try, extremely fickle, and two-faced. Always has and always will be. Since my fiancee and I have been together almost five years (I'm 21, he's 24), I have literally been to hell and back with this woman.

She suffered a stroke last year, and seemed to calm down pretty well with only a few snide comments thrown in here and there, so things seemed to improve.

About three months ago, I lost my mother (and best friend) after a 10-month long grueling battle with pancreatic cancer, so I'm still pretty involved with handling her estate & getting everything in order. Since she was a single parent and I'm an only child, (with the exception of my 83-year-old grandfather) I have no other family and have been pretty much left to fend for myself when it comes to bills, handling her debts & creditors, meeting with lawyers, making funeral arrangements, transferring property deeds, taxes, insurance, etc. I was there, looking into her eyes and holding her hand when she took her last breath under hospice care. Naturally, I'm heartbroken and devastated that I've lost my best friend in the whole world (and that she won't be at my wedding), and I feel so lost, but I'm trying to stay busy. Since my mother was terminally ill, his family was a great help and his mother seemed to cut me a large amount of slack.

However, I recently acquired a substantial amount of money from her life insurance which has been placed in a trust fund (with me as the trustee) to help me survive while I finish school and until I can get a steady well-paying job. My fiancee and his family has known about this since she was diagnosed and they were there throughout the whole illness. His family has struggled since her stroke to pay bills, although at one time - they were quite wealthy. But, before she passed, my mother instructed me what to do and what not to do with the insurance money.

Then, my fiancee proposed about four weeks ago (we'd been talking about getting married for about a year, & he promised my mother on her deathbed that he would take care of me) and since then, it's been a complete whirlwind. Of course, everyone got excited and started giving me ideas about the wedding, which I listened to and added my own touches.

I honestly thought our engagement would be a bit longer, but since the venues around here fill up fast, his mother made some suggestions and wanted me to call them. I called them and visited a couple on the weekends (with her and the rest of his family in tow), and found one I really liked. The venue I picked had a package deal which would save me a ton of money (and stress) compared to some of the other venues I looked at. The coordinator however advised that I put down a deposit for a date since they tend to book fast. So, I set a date (April 24, 2010), paid the deposit (out of my own savings, not trust fund) and figured the rest could fall into place as the weeks go by.

Then, his younger sister suggested I go look at dresses with her, her mother, and his older sister. Although I wasn't planning on it, I went and found my dream dress. Naturally, I was afraid it would get away and went ahead and paid for it out of my savings. Then the lodging (for everyone in the party & family on a huge luxurious 130-acre farm), then the tiara and veil, and the save-the-dates.

Since I have no other family & his family is really struggling financially, I'm paying for my own wedding out of savings. A lot of my friends have found that to be odd, but I figure that if I talked his family into paying for it, they'd cut a lot of corners and I wouldn't really have much say in things. So, like my mother would've wanted, I am ensuring that I get exactly what I want for our wedding, while being mindful of my budget. Also, since I have only a few close friends that I feel I can depend on, I asked his two sisters to be my bridesmaids in addition to one of my friends from college.

I picked out some bridesmaid dresses that were a little pricier than I would've liked, but didn't order them, since one of my bridesmaids wasn't there to get fitted. Once she was able to go with us, we all went back and ran into my FBIL and his fiancee, who were looking at flower girl dresses for their 5-year old daughter (I'd already asked her to be our flower girl but we hadn't discussed who was paying for what). Since they knew that I knew that there was no way his sisters would be able to pay for their dresses, I had already transferred money from my savings to cover it that day. And since I was paying for their dresses, I assured my close friend that I could cover hers if need be.

However, when we unexpectedly ran into my FBIL, his fiancee, and their daughter, we all went in together and the flower girl tried on some dresses. I picked a favorite and then asked for everyone's opinions, and they all agreed with the flower girl dress that I liked best. The dress was approximately $80 and I figured I was paying for that as well. But, the wedding's not until April and she's going to grow, so we didn't order it that day. We had the consultant write down the style number and I paid for the bridesmaids dresses - no questions asked.

Then, earlier this week, I could sense my FMIL's displeasure with something, but couldn't figure it out. She finally came out and asked me point-blank who was paying for her granddaughter's dress, since I didn't come right out and tell anyone and everyone that I would be happy to cover it. She instead went on and on about how my FBIL's fiancee is going to buy a professional photo lense for her camera to take pictures with and how those are so very expensive (not even touching on the fact that I'm paying for everything else) and how if I pay for one person's dress, I should pay for everyone else across the board. I told her I would be fine to pay for it, but if my FBIL and his fiancee felt more comfortable paying for it for themselves, that would be fine as well. Everything seemed settled.

Then my fiancee comes to me yesterday and tells me that his mother is upset that I didn't completely offer to pay for the flower girl dress. He defended me of course and smoothed things over, but I'm getting pretty preturbed with her and the situation. She's always been like this, so I should've known better, but I can't help but to feel cornered.

Ever since he proposed, it's always been assumed by his family that I was paying for everything and no one except my fiancee and friend from college has offered to chip in on little stuff. It just seems like that they assume that it should be no problem since I have a trust fund, that I can handle every last thing, even though I told his mother point-blank that the money for the wedding was not coming out of my trust fund no matter what. I've even considered getting a pre-nup, but I'm not sure how to approach the subject with the fiancee.

*sigh*

Sorry, I know this was really long, but I just needed to vent. I'm trying so hard to please everyone (including me and my fiancee) without any major drama or having a bridezilla moment, but I guess it's unavoidable. I just kind of wish my mother was here to help guide me through all of this.

Has anyone else had similar issues?

Thanks guys for all your kind & supportive words! I spoke to my financial advisor today and he agrees that I should get a pre-nup, but that since he's not a family lawyer - that I'll need to check with one to be sure about Georgia law.

Now comes the hard part - actually talking about getting one to the fiancee..*deep breath* I just know that no matter how I approach the subject, I'm keeping it between me and him, because if she found out she'd fly off the handle.

To answer you guys' questions, his family does go out to eat occasionally but only when they've managed to save money in other areas. His sisters are 21 and 36, one of which works full-time.

@stephinPA: That's what I was thinking. Instead of looking at it like "She's paying for so much, we could pay for something small," they're looking at it more like, "Well, she's able to pay for everything else-why can't she pay for one more thing?" It's so ridiculous.

Tomorrow I'm going with the fiancee, his brother (his BM), and his friend/co-worker (a groomsmen) to look at tuxes. He has one other groomsmen + a ring bearer who won't be able to make it tomorrow but will be going soon. The FMIL also brought up the ring bearer's outfit, asking if I was going to cover the tux rentals & the ring bearer's rental. *rolls eyes*

Not to mention, me, my fiancee, his brother, and his sister have tongue piercings. I've considered the idea of clear tongue rings or to take them out before the wedding so they don't show up in pictures. She also wanted to know if I was going to pay for a new, clear tongue ring for everyone if I went that route? *sigh*

So far I've figured out that I'm paying for:

My dress + veil & blusher - $1,322.98 + alterations + shoes?

My undergarments: ?

Bridesmaids dresses - $397.50 + alterations + shoes?

Deposit for ceremony/reception site: $1,200

Wedding package deal (so far w/ flowers, DJ, reception food for 40 people, wedding cake, groom's cake, photo package, decorations & honeymoon suite for one night):

$4,335.95 + tax (subject to change depending on additions)

Lodging for 3 days, 2 nights @ 130-acre compound which sleeps 22 people for me & my fiancee (we're spending our wedding night @ the resort & then coming back to the compound the following morning), my grandfather, his mother, his oldest sister, his younger sister & her boyfriend, my friend from college, his brother and his fiancee, their five year old daughter, the ring bearer, the ring bearer's father & mother and younger brother, and 2 other groomsmen (and possibly their girlfriends): $550/night + $200 cleaning fee + tax + additional anemities.

Flower girl dress: $80 + shoes? + hairpiece?

My tiara: $30 on eBay.

Save the dates (50): $78.45

Tux rentals for my fiancee, his brother, his two other groomsmen & the ringbearer: ? (Hoping to get group discount at Men's Wearhouse).

Wedding Invitations: ?

Rehearsal Dinner: ?

Food & alcohol for breakfast, lunches, & dinners at compound other than rehearsal dinner & reception for 19 people: ?

Manicures & pedicures for Bridesmaids & myself: $120

Jewelry for myself & bridesmaids: ?

Gifts for bridesmaids, groomsmen, ring bearer, & flower girl: ?

Silk rose petals for flower girl to carry: $20

 Hair & make-up for myself & bridesmaids: ?

Gas to actually get there (it's a mountain destination wedding): ?

Honeymoon: ?

Wedding Favors: ?

Party supplies for rehearsal dinner: ?

Engagement pictures: ?

Announcement in newspaper: $95

Not owing my future FMIL a damn thing: Priceless.

LOL. I'm sure there's a bunch of stuff I'm leaving out and will remember as the days go on, but off the top of my head - there's my list. I refuse to go over $10,000 if I can help it. Luckily I've been able to cut corners (without jeopardizing style) by getting some of the smaller stuff off eBay, at Michael's Craft Shop, & low-end bridal shops. Thankfully, I managed to find the package deal that I found, which saved me quite a bit in the long-run.

I'll keep y'all posted.

I'm sorry about your loss and the drama you've been going through. I don't know if I would do all the things you've been doing. If my FI had sisters that age, I would not pay for their dresses. I know that some places have payment plans, and would suggest that. I would also ask them to save some money and maybe purchase the dress in January. There is time.

I know times are tough and you want to help out his family because you love him, but you may want to think about cutting back because all those expenses to begin to add up. Besides if his family loved him, they would make a sacrifice to save a little here and there to pay for at least their dresses and tux.

I'm very sorry for your lost.  Your mother instilled you with great values and made you such a strong character.

However, I think ur FMIL sucks!  If they expect u to pay for everything, then u must make them work for it by doing some DIY project so at least they know u have no money to burn on everything. Make them run errands for u.

Does ur FMIL also expect u to buy her dress?  Have u discussed the guest list with her?  What if she invites tons of people?  And is ur fiance supporting u at all with any of the wedding expenses?  If he can't support u now coz he's supporting his family, i think that kinda paints the picture of what ur life would be.  U will be supporting ur family (u and him) while he supports them. 

I don't even know where they get the courage to think that ur trust fund or even ur savings can foot all the bills for a wedding.  I really hope that u end up getting a pre-nup.  Ur mom didn't make u the beneficiary of it just so other ppl can take advantage of it. Shame on them...

That is awful! I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've had to go through - at only 21, no less! That woman should be ashamed of herself. On one hand, I want to tell you to make them pay for the things they're expected to, but on the other hand, I completely understand you're desire to not "feel like you owe them anything." I, personally, would have made the bridesmaids, groomsmen, etc. pay for their own attire, as that's traditionally expected when they accept that position. Now, they your FMIL probably feels like she has free reign and will keep pushing you, knowing that you'll allow her to. I, personally, would gently but firmly remind her that your paying for the attendants' attire is a courtesy - a gift from you to them - not something you're required to do, so she should be grateful. I don't neccessarily recommend that you react that way because I'm sure you aren't as brash of a person as I am, and it would certainly only make things worse. :P I agree with ShoeHunter: "Your mother instilled you with great values and made you such a strong character." I find it amazing how strong and determined you are; it is admirable. I can't even imagine how hard that all must be to deal with.

As for a prenup, that sounds like a really good idea. Hopefully your fiance will understand, especially since he's been around to see the way you've been treated. It's also really good that you aren't dipping into your trust money. It was a very kind of you to foot the bill for even the things the couple isn't expected to pay, and it's a shame that they don't appreciate it.

Good luck, girl; I do hope everything works out fine for you.