- 8 years ago
- Wedding: April 2010
So to make a long story short, I have never gotten along with my FMIL. She’s never satisfied no matter how hard I try, extremely fickle, and two-faced. Always has and always will be. Since my fiancee and I have been together almost five years (I’m 21, he’s 24), I have literally been to hell and back with this woman.
She suffered a stroke last year, and seemed to calm down pretty well with only a few snide comments thrown in here and there, so things seemed to improve.
About three months ago, I lost my mother (and best friend) after a 10-month long grueling battle with pancreatic cancer, so I’m still pretty involved with handling her estate & getting everything in order. Since she was a single parent and I’m an only child, (with the exception of my 83-year-old grandfather) I have no other family and have been pretty much left to fend for myself when it comes to bills, handling her debts & creditors, meeting with lawyers, making funeral arrangements, transferring property deeds, taxes, insurance, etc. I was there, looking into her eyes and holding her hand when she took her last breath under hospice care. Naturally, I’m heartbroken and devastated that I’ve lost my best friend in the whole world (and that she won’t be at my wedding), and I feel so lost, but I’m trying to stay busy. Since my mother was terminally ill, his family was a great help and his mother seemed to cut me a large amount of slack.
However, I recently acquired a substantial amount of money from her life insurance which has been placed in a trust fund (with me as the trustee) to help me survive while I finish school and until I can get a steady well-paying job. My fiancee and his family has known about this since she was diagnosed and they were there throughout the whole illness. His family has struggled since her stroke to pay bills, although at one time – they were quite wealthy. But, before she passed, my mother instructed me what to do and what not to do with the insurance money.
Then, my fiancee proposed about four weeks ago (we’d been talking about getting married for about a year, & he promised my mother on her deathbed that he would take care of me) and since then, it’s been a complete whirlwind. Of course, everyone got excited and started giving me ideas about the wedding, which I listened to and added my own touches.
I honestly thought our engagement would be a bit longer, but since the venues around here fill up fast, his mother made some suggestions and wanted me to call them. I called them and visited a couple on the weekends (with her and the rest of his family in tow), and found one I really liked. The venue I picked had a package deal which would save me a ton of money (and stress) compared to some of the other venues I looked at. The coordinator however advised that I put down a deposit for a date since they tend to book fast. So, I set a date (April 24, 2010), paid the deposit (out of my own savings, not trust fund) and figured the rest could fall into place as the weeks go by.
Then, his younger sister suggested I go look at dresses with her, her mother, and his older sister. Although I wasn’t planning on it, I went and found my dream dress. Naturally, I was afraid it would get away and went ahead and paid for it out of my savings. Then the lodging (for everyone in the party & family on a huge luxurious 130-acre farm), then the tiara and veil, and the save-the-dates.
Since I have no other family & his family is really struggling financially, I’m paying for my own wedding out of savings. A lot of my friends have found that to be odd, but I figure that if I talked his family into paying for it, they’d cut a lot of corners and I wouldn’t really have much say in things. So, like my mother would’ve wanted, I am ensuring that I get exactly what I want for our wedding, while being mindful of my budget. Also, since I have only a few close friends that I feel I can depend on, I asked his two sisters to be my bridesmaids in addition to one of my friends from college.
I picked out some bridesmaid dresses that were a little pricier than I would’ve liked, but didn’t order them, since one of my bridesmaids wasn’t there to get fitted. Once she was able to go with us, we all went back and ran into my FBIL and his fiancee, who were looking at flower girl dresses for their 5-year old daughter (I’d already asked her to be our flower girl but we hadn’t discussed who was paying for what). Since they knew that I knew that there was no way his sisters would be able to pay for their dresses, I had already transferred money from my savings to cover it that day. And since I was paying for their dresses, I assured my close friend that I could cover hers if need be.
However, when we unexpectedly ran into my FBIL, his fiancee, and their daughter, we all went in together and the flower girl tried on some dresses. I picked a favorite and then asked for everyone’s opinions, and they all agreed with the flower girl dress that I liked best. The dress was approximately $80 and I figured I was paying for that as well. But, the wedding’s not until April and she’s going to grow, so we didn’t order it that day. We had the consultant write down the style number and I paid for the bridesmaids dresses – no questions asked.
Then, earlier this week, I could sense my FMIL’s displeasure with something, but couldn’t figure it out. She finally came out and asked me point-blank who was paying for her granddaughter’s dress, since I didn’t come right out and tell anyone and everyone that I would be happy to cover it. She instead went on and on about how my FBIL’s fiancee is going to buy a professional photo lense for her camera to take pictures with and how those are so very expensive (not even touching on the fact that I’m paying for everything else) and how if I pay for one person’s dress, I should pay for everyone else across the board. I told her I would be fine to pay for it, but if my FBIL and his fiancee felt more comfortable paying for it for themselves, that would be fine as well. Everything seemed settled.
Then my fiancee comes to me yesterday and tells me that his mother is upset that I didn’t completely offer to pay for the flower girl dress. He defended me of course and smoothed things over, but I’m getting pretty preturbed with her and the situation. She’s always been like this, so I should’ve known better, but I can’t help but to feel cornered.
Ever since he proposed, it’s always been assumed by his family that I was paying for everything and no one except my fiancee and friend from college has offered to chip in on little stuff. It just seems like that they assume that it should be no problem since I have a trust fund, that I can handle every last thing, even though I told his mother point-blank that the money for the wedding was not coming out of my trust fund no matter what. I’ve even considered getting a pre-nup, but I’m not sure how to approach the subject with the fiancee.
Sorry, I know this was really long, but I just needed to vent. I’m trying so hard to please everyone (including me and my fiancee) without any major drama or having a bridezilla moment, but I guess it’s unavoidable. I just kind of wish my mother was here to help guide me through all of this.
Has anyone else had similar issues?