Post # 1
My FMIL is driving us crazy. Thank God I have a wonderful FI who is 100% on my side.
We didn’t ask FI’s mother to help pay for anything. FMIL offers to pay for the rehearsal dinner. That was very nice of her and we were very appreciative. We asked her one day how much she was willing to put towards the dinner, she said $500. The dinner will cost about $1300 so we told her we would come up with the rest which will come out of money that my dad is giving me toward the wedding. Fi and I picked the menu for the dinner because we had to lock in the cheaper prices because they were going up on Feb 1. She freaked out on FI because she wanted to pick the food since she is “hosting” the rehearsal dinner. I think she has a lot of nerve saying she is the “host” when she isn’t even paying for half of it. She want’s to act like she is paying for it all to everyone attending because she thinks the money is coming out of our pocket. We are inviting the bridal party and their plus 1’s. Our parents and some aunts and uncles that have kids in the wedding. She said she will only pay for the bridal party and that’s it. Her money doesn’t even cover all of them. All our parents are divorced, my dad has a girlfriend and FMIL said that she didn’t think anyone should bring a date.
Next I asked her who she wanted to invite to my bridal shower, she listed her and 5 other family members that I have met and know from her family. She mentioned a few of her friends and I told her that I’m not comfortable inviting people that I never met before. My FI also talked to her a few days later and said I don’t want people there I never met. My sister emailed her and asked for her list of people from her side. She added about 12 more people than she told me and is inviting about 7 people I have never met. I am furious she is inviting people I never met when we told her 2 times we didn’t want that. My sister and mom said let it go, it’s not worth the fight. My FI said that her going against our wishes for inviting people we don’t know is her being passive aggressive. She is the most negative person you will ever meet. Everyone is always out to get her and wrongs her.
My FI is an only child so this makes the situation worse. She is so pushy and opinionated I can’t take it. I’m sure she feels left out of the planning but we haven’t included anyone in the planning. FI and I have made every decision together and decided on things we want. Everything we registered for was stuff we both wanted. I just need to vent, she has us so frustrated by the way she acts I just need to get it off my chest. This is our wedding and she is the only one acting like a big baby and being difficult because she isn’t able to be in control of everything. We haven’t told her yet that we aren’t going to do the father/daughter, mother/son dance but I know when we do her head is going to explode. And once again she will fight us and try and make us feel horrible for not letting her have her shining moment. It’s our wedding and it’s what we want. Did I mention she wanted to wear black for a spring wedding.
Sorry this post was so long, and there is so much more I can write but I will cut it off here. Thanks for listening. Hopefully someone can give me some insight on how I can handle this situation.
Post # 3
@pittsteelergirl: I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think you need to continue to be firm and hold your ground. If you try to accomodate her every time she acts out, she’ll continue to do so bc she know it will give her the results she wants. With the dinner rehearsal, thank her for her contribution but I would let her know that your father is paying for the remaining portion since the costs is coming out of the money he provided. That way she won’t freak out if he brings a guest. As for the bridal shower, it’s your shower. This isn’t a social event for her to invite her friends. I think it’s more than fair to not want anyone you’ve never met there considering she wanted to bring 5 other people initially. With anything else that she freaks out on, tell her you’re sorry she feel this way but it’s what you and your SO want with your wedding. Be firm. Lastly, I think your SO needs to have a talk with her. It’s his mother.
Post # 4
Tell her she can’t invite people to the shower who won’t be invited to the wedding.
Don’t tell her what colour to wear, it’s not worth the fight.
Post # 5
Wow that is pretty ridic that she freaked out about the menu when she’s only putting in $500!! In regards to the bridal shower, it’s YOUR shower, she technically doesn’t get or have to invite anyone. You’re being nice telling her she can invite those five people you were initially okay with. If I were you, I would put my foot down about not inviting those people you don’t know. She has to realize that she’s not going to get her way when it comes to your wedding that she is not paying for.
Good luck with everything!
Post # 6
@pittsteelergirl: About the bridal shower – if those 7 people are also invited to the wedding, it might be good to have them there. There were a few family friends of FI’s who I didn’t know and having them at my bridal shower gave me a chance to get to know them in a more social setting so they weren’t total strangers at the wedding.
If they’re not invited to the wedding, then of course, they shouldn’t be invited to the shower.
Post # 7
Ugh, poor you! I totally agree with PP’s that no one should be invited that isn’t invited to the wedding.
Just tell her strait, no. No one you don’t know for what’s supposed to be a fun night, also, who’s paying for the shower? Could you say something about cost/space to reinforce the no?
Post # 8
All the people she invited to the shower are also invited to the wedding. My bridesmaids are paying for the shower. My FMIL is inviting her cousins that my FI never sees and she is also inviting her cleaning lady to the shower. It just makes me mad that we both told her no to inviting people I never met and she went over us and gave a list with them to my sister.
Post # 9
- Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World
Cleaning lady?! Boggles the mind…sorry you’re having to deal with this…I think you should put your foot down (with FI’s support) and have who you want at the bridal shower and rehearsal dinner.
Post # 10
Ya we’re not having the Parent/Kid dance either and haven’t told her yet. I imagine that she’ll be disappointed but I’ve already made my concessions and I’m going to stick to what we want (FI and I) for all the rest of the decision making. My FMIL isn’t a bad or negative person, but she has a certain vision and I don’t think what we want matches what she wants as much as she’d like. But honestly our view of it matches sooo closely that I don’t know why she has to act so disappointed at the few discrepancies we have. After paying for the flowers she immediately said that all her brothers/sisters and their children need to be invited…at $150 pp and how small our venue is that amount given to us is already all gobbled up. I’m fine with most of the brothers and sisters (and children) because I’ve met them and spend enjoyable holidays with them. I knew going into this that more of his family would be invited than mine, but it escalated when she insisted on all her brothers/sisters and kids. There’s a brother who is a part of a family of 4 that I’ve never met, and haven’t seen my FI in over 10 years. They purposely ditched the family and she’s insisting they be invited. What really blows my top is that she’s not even sure if her brother is married anymore.
If you don’t know if a family member that ditched you is even married. My personal opinion is that they shouldn’t be invited.
Post # 11
Well it is tradition for the grooms family to pay for the rehearsal dinner, so you probably should’ve talked to her about whether or not she was contributing before you locked in prices/picked a menu… because she typically would be the host of the dinner. It is a little strange to have people other than the bridal party and their SO’s at the rehearsal dinner since there’s nothing for them to rehearse? But it’s not right that she doesn’t think the SO’s should be there.
Everything else you mentioned is pretty ridiculous on her part. Especially inviting people you don’t know after you’ve repeatedly told her you didn’t want them there. Have you thought about having your FI talk to her about this and the other things she’s done to upset you both? If she doesn’t “care” for you, I would definitely designate the conversation to your FI, otherwise she’ll just dislike you even more.
Post # 12
It sounds like your FMIL is really trying to control things. Is she like this all the time, or is this just wedding behaviour? If she is acting crazy because she feels left out, is there some responsibility you could give her that would help her tone it down a bit?
If you don’t want strangers at your shower, that makes sense. However, I do disagree about the no-wedding-invite = no-shower-invite “rule.” For example, I know that there are women from our church who have hinted to my mother that they would love to be invited to a shower, though they have absolutely zero expectation of being invited to the wedding. Just a thought.