(Closed) FMIL driving me crazy

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
944 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I wouldn’t write the letter.  If I got something like that I would find it quite strange.  If they are curious as to why they aren’t invited then they can take it up with her or your FI and that’s when they can tell her it’s an intimate small affair.  Are you planning to send announcements out that you guys were married?  Some people really appreciate that and maybe that will shut her up?  I wonder if sending a letter like that is considered bad etiqutte though?  While I don’t always follow etiquette, because it can be a little outdated or silly sometimes, I think in this case it might actually be considered a no-no.

Post # 4
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I wouldn’t write that letter either. I agree with curlysue, sending announcements seems like a more polite way to show people that you thought of them, even if you couldn’t invite them to the wedding. That’s my my FI and I are planning on doing.

Post # 5
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee

I think telling FMIL that you would like to send them a lovely wedding announcement card and photo would be a great way to go!  Best of luck.  I think that she would love that! 

Post # 6
Member
4385 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Don’t write the letter!! My sister had 24 people at her wedding, no one from out of town was invited, which meant most of my dad’s family. They were a bit insulted, but they got over it. It was a small intimate wedding as well, and there just wasn’t room for everyone!

Post # 7
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Don’t write the letter or apologize. It’s ridiculous. It’s a control thing and if you cave she will think she can do this about other stuff throughout your marriage. Obviously try to maintain a good relationship but don’t let her boss you around! (:

Post # 8
Member
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010 - Ladder 15 Restaurant

Don’t write it!  Have your fi talk with his mother about how much it means to the BOTH of you, and neither of you feel like you have anything to explain to family members.  Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
3363 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I’ve had a few cousins have small weddings.  I had no problem with not being invited, and would have thought it was extremely odd (and maybe even rude) if I had received a letter explaining why I was not invited.

You do not owe anyone any type of explanation!  Your mother-in-law can write a letter to her relatives if she thinks it is necessary.  Of course, I have no useful advice on how to actually say that to her! 

Post # 10
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I wouldn’t write them a letter!  That’s sounds strange to me.  Like a formal apology.  But this is family, that shouldn’t be necessary.  I do understand why she wants them to know why they weren’t invited, but given that its her family, she can easily tell them. 

Post # 11
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Ouch – I feel your pain. Our wedding is also small, and we have always wanted it that way. FMIL just does not want to understand it. She has a list of individuals as long as her arm and if she got her way I wouldn’t even have a seat at our venue (which can ONLY seat 50 people). Instead of her asking me to send out a letter, she brings up the wedding in front of family members at holidays (such as this past Easter) who she knows are not invited so I have to explain to them right then and there why they are not. I agree that you need to have your FI speak with her, and definitely do not send that letter!

Post # 12
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

Tell your FI to deal with his mom.  It’s his job, not yours.  The gist of the convo should be “Mom, you know why the family isn’t invited and we’re not changing our minds.  We’ll send out a wedding announcement afterwards, but we are not going to apologize beforehand.”  Period.  Let her rant and rave, but you NEVER owe a written apology to someone before a wedding explaining why they weren’t invited!!

Post # 13
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I second everyone else in say the letter is not a good idea. If I got that letter I would think it’s a little strange and questions may arise from it.

Post # 14
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

If it’s that you aren’t inviting extended family on either side, it shouldn’t matter much.  As long as the immediate parents, grandparents and such are coming then writing letters to great aunt sue from timbuktu is just silly.  I agree with KIKI82, I would have no problem with not being invited if it were small and intimate but if I got a letter then i’d be a little irritated.

I ran into a problem similar to yours when we were planning ours where i wanted to invite close relatives to keep from making my mother crazy, if I invite extended family to a certain point on my dad’s side, I had to do the same on my mom’s even if we spent more time around my dad’s.  My mom had me so upset that when I stopped by the florist to ask about pricing, I burst into tears.  That’s when we went a totally different route and are finding a way to have a big wedding.  

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