Weddingbee boards

I just need to vent to you guys and hopefully you can offer me some advice on how to deal with this...

A little background on FI's mom.  She has a good job and has nothing to show for it--she doesn't own a house or a car, doesn't go on trips (except to Vegas), nothing.  She gambles it all away at the slot machines and owns 300 pairs of shoes.  She declared bankruptcy a couple years back and still calls her 82-yr-old mom every day begging for money.  Her mom paid her bankruptcy lawyer and bought her a car, and she's still completely broke and won't admit it's because of her secret gambling addiction.

My mom (who makes significantly less than FI's mom) is paying for most of our wedding.  She is now taking out loans to help us pay for the wedding and she's contributing over $20k to the ceremony, reception, my dress, photography, a party the next day, flowers, music, etc.  She told me she's completely stretched her budget and she can't pay for stuff like honeymoon, invitations, hair/makeup, limo, and video.  FMIL told FI way back when we got engaged (in Feb 2010) that she would pay for rehearsal dinner and our honeymoon.  I was skeptical, FI was thrilled.

So it's getting down to the wire.  FI already booked a (quite expensive) honeymoon on the assumption that his mom will pay.  Well, we go to see her on X-mas and she starts BSing me about how she doesn't like where we're going on HM, she can't possibly pay for a whole expensive rehearsal dinner, how maybe she can just buy gifts for my bridesmaids (wtf?).  She tells me she thought my mom was rich and would just pay for whatever we want if she didn't come through.  Obviously, this is not true.  FI has been telling her for close to a year that rehearsal dinners START at $1500+ and that our honeymoon, which we already put a $1000 deposit on, is $6000.  We tried to calmly explain to her that we are not begging her for $, we just want her to be honest and tell us ASAP if she is still planning to help.  She launches into a diatribe about how FI doesn't appreciate her, how she took him on trips when he was a kid, etc etc.

I don't know what to do.  I had been telling FI for months that he needed to confirm with his mom if she was actually giving us $, and he said every time he tried she'd act horrified and completely offended that he would even ask, which in turn made me look bad.  Now we're in this position.  We have jobs, but we also have a mortgage and bills and we'd been budgeting for other things we need such as invitations, STDs, hotel rooms, video, and transportation.

I don't know what to do.  I love FI with all my heart but his mom may be the death of me.

ok, you asked for opinions, right? You won't like mine, but here it is.

Letting your Mom take out a loan to pay for your wedding, in my eyes, is really lame. Are you adults, making your own money? Why are you letting other people pay for you? To take out a loan for a wedding is not very responsible. And it is not responsible of you to let her. In this day and age, there is no reason why a bride's family should be paying for her wedding, unless they WANT to and have the means to do so.

Second, even though your MIL said she would pay, you should never have expected her to, knowing her history. Accepting this from her has now caused you strife in your relationship, when it should really not have an affect on you. She is an adult and has chosen to live her life this way and you should not put yourself in a position to rely on her paying for something for you.

Your wedding should never cost more than you can afford. Period. While it is an important day, it is not a day you take out loans, go into debt, and pay outragious interest on. People have beautiful weddings that don't require a loan to be taken out. Why would you ever pay interest on something that is not a financial investment or necessary for you to live? this, in my opinion, is part of the reason why our economy is such a mess and people are without work. Because people took out loans on things they could not afford. So that they can have bigger and better than the next person even though they couldn't really afford it.

Sorry, but you asked for opinions. You should DUMP the fancy, high cost honeymoon and opt for something you can handle on your own. And don't rely on her, or anyone to pay your way through lifes expenses again.

@BanditGirl: Thanks for the advice.  I think we're just going to try to do a low-key rehearsal dinner at our house.  Unfortunately, FI was really excited about booking the honeymoon and it's already a done deal, so there's no turning back from that expense.  I'm going to be eating ramen for a year to pay for 10 days of all-inclusive eating/drinking so I hope I really enjoy it!

I really just feel bad because I feel like FMIL let FI down.  She did the same thing when he was in college--she told him to take out loans since she had bad credit, but she promised she'd pay for his school.  Well, she left him with about $10k in student loans and no excuse for why she wouldn't pay.  She's so sketchy.

She also demanded that FI invite her friends, and her friends' kids and her friends' kids' boyfriends/girlfriends.  FI just doesn't want to start any trouble so we're inviting them, even though he isn't friends with any of them, and I can't help but feel like we should be letting my mom invite more of her friends since she's paying for everything.

Also, I did not know until last week that my mom is taking out loans to pay for my wedding.  This came as a shock to me.  I would NEVER expect someone to borrow money to pay for my wedding and I'd originally been planning on contributing as much as I could to help pay for the things my mom said she'd pay for.

My mom told me the budget was $20k.  We have worked hard to keep everything under budget.  She had some unplanned financial troubles this year and this is why she apparently is borrowing money.

And I definitely was never expecting the $ from FI's mom, and I didn't want to book the HM until she had actually given us the money (or told us she wasn't giving it to us).  FI jumped the gun on that one because he mistakenly trusted his mom.

You need to cut back on your wedding and pay your  Mom's loan off. That would be the adult, responsible thing to do.

And you FI should have learned from what happened to him with his school money. You know the saying, fool me once, shame on you, feel me twice, shame on me!

And she can demand all she wants, but if you cannot afford/don't want her friends there, too bad for her. You simpley tell her you cannot afford to do that. Just because she is totally irresponsible doesn't mean you have to be.

OP should not have put it out there, then. It is obvious to most of us that OP and her FI are letting others carry their wedding burden. It doesn';t matter how small the amount is, allowing your Mom to take out a lon, thene xpecting your FMIL to pay for your honeymoon, is irresponsible.

Don't put stuff out there on a public forum/board if you don't want comments on it.

I appreciate the advice and opinions from all of you guys.  I agree that nobody should be taking out loans to pay for a wedding, and I will ask my mom how much she is borrowing so that we can set up a plan to pay her back.  I really don't feel entitled to anything--I told FMIL on Xmas that, for example, my father (who makes a lot of money) has not offered one cent to contribute to the wedding.  I am not calling him asking for money and I don't feel like anyone owes me anything.  I just wish that FI hadn't made plans for an expensive honeymoon on the assumption that his mom would pay, and I wish she had just been honest with him from the start.  I think it's a case of champagne dreams and beer budget.  I am eternally grateful for everything my mom does for me, and I know FI is grateful that his mom raised him on her own.  I guess it's really just that I was concerned with the fact that she said she was 100% going to do something (she acted offended when he asked if she was definitely going to do it because she wanted him to believe with all certainty that she would) and is now backing out.

Oh gosh.  Not quite the same but FMIL said she wanted to contribute and we could put it towards whatever we wanted.  We decided to put it towards the honeymoon and booked it.  FI got it in his head what he thought she would be giving.  I told him he really needed to get a set amount.  And he didn't.  And the contribution was less than he thought. :)  Fortunately I was in charge of the budget and so planned everything without her help so that whatever she did give would truly be a blessing. 

Although it sucks, if she doesn't give you anything do you have the funds yourself to cover it?  You might have to just assume she's not giving anything as you may not ever hear the words.

FMIL had told FI that she had a CD in the bank for $5000 that matured in January (2011) and that she was going to give it to us to help with the wedding, and she also said she would pay for the rehearsal dinner.  The rehearsal dinner is really just for FMIL and her family since I know they are typically held as an "extra" event for OOT family, and mine all lives in town.  I am perfectly fine with not having a RD, but I know FI wanted to do it.

@futureMrs.L and @Talishazwi--I'm sorry to hear that you guys had similar experiences with your in-laws promising you a certain amount and not delivering.  I guess because of my own experience with my mom, who always comes through on promises, and with FI's absolute confidence that FMIL was actually going to give us $5k, I convinced myself she wasn't lying to us this time--big mistake.

I appreciate everyone's advice and opinions on here.  I don't go on WB to hear people tell me I'm right-- sometimes I just need a little advice, a listening ear, an anecdote from someone who's been in a similar situation, or a reality check.  My original post wasn't meant to look like I feel entitled to anything, it was more like I was hurt that she lied to us while making me look like the bad guy this whole time for knowing from the start that she wouldn't come through.  We'll figure out a way to make it work--probably not gonna have the expensive rehearsal dinner that FI wants, but I'm sure we can figure something out that works within our budget.

My FMIL said about 10 months ago she would give us $1,000 for the wedding. When FH asked for it to help pay for deposits she replied "Well...I don't have it NOW! I was going to give it to you in October!" (our orignial wedding date). Yeaaa....give it to us in October, when our original wedding date was 10-2-10. I learned a lesson very quickly; she talks a good game.

We pushed back the wedding so we would know that we could absolutely pay for it on our own. Now FMIL is stating she'll have $600 to give us...well...what do you know...she said she would give it to us on 12/29/10. That same night she "promised" $600 she said, "It'll be more like $500. But Birdlie Love, look at me in the eye! I am serious! $500!" Talk about an awkward moment because I was sitting there thinking "you're full of it."

FH on the other hand is really excited to be getting the extra help. My thoughy is "I'll believe it when I see it."

Sounds like your FMIL and my FMIL could have a grand time together!

@hellorebecca and @trailmix: Thank you!  I didn't think that my original post was going to lead to other Bees telling me I'm acting entitled and ungrateful, since that was not my issue.

My mom is financially comfortable and she is responsible with money.  I really just feel kind of hurt because I'd been thinking that if FMIL came through with the HM money, then I'd be able to contribute more to the parts that my mom said she'd pay for (I was hoping I could surprise her by footing the bill for the florist and officiant and help with the cost of my dress, for example).  My mom has been working hard to pay for my wedding, and FMIL couldn't stop gambling for long enough to come through on her promise, so now instead of me being able to help my mom out, I have to make up for the $ that FMIL lied about giving us.  FI and I have jobs, and I will be getting a raise in April, so I know we CAN cover the cost of the honeymoon and RD, I am just upset that she lied and FI believed her.  When I'd asked him (when he was originally looking at HM destinations), he said he was 100% positive she would come through because she's his mom and she loves him and he's her only child.  This woman isn't even a part of my family yet and she's already driving me crazy with her antics!

ETA: @BirdieLove: My FMIL and your MIL should definitely get together for cocktails!  I had no idea that so many people (mothers especially) made promises for specific amounts of $, kept putting it off, and then didn't come through!  I would NEVER tell someone I would give them money and then not do it.  Just don't promise us $ in the first place!

@Bostongrl25: Yeah, there were definitely a lot of indications (to me, at least) that she would not come through.  FI tells me that she only asks her mom for $ because she and all her siblings are just spoiled, but that she doesn't really need it.  I know she has a good job, but I guess her gambling addiction just overrides all sense of financial responsibility--I think it's just hard for me and FI to understand that her addiction runs her life :(

@Pomapoo- To help bring your mom's costs down you should not invite FMIL's Friends, their kids and their kids spouses! I understand that she can't help financially and that's fine but for her to expect your hard working mom to pay for all those extra people is outrageous! I would simply tell her the guestlist has been cut and certain people are no longer invited. I'm sure that would save a few hundred/possibly thousand if you cut those people out. Have you sent invites out yet?

Hi OP.  I think that your plan to find out how much the loan your mom took out was so that you can pay her back is wonderful.  No one should be taking out loans for a wedding - its not an investement and is a silly way to spend borrowed money.  Sometimes I think people feel they will let their kids down by not plunking down a bunch of cash to pay for their weddings but taking out loans for something with no return is not good.  You only just found this out though, so no way do you seem entitled.

About your MIL, I can understand that you feel disappointed because she is really letting her son down AGAIN.  He probably felt that her acting offended and horrified meant that she was defiently going to help whereas a more seasoned person would see it for the panic it was in him finding out that she wasn't able to help.  Its sad that he wanted so badly to believe her that he actually planned the honeymoon but I doubt he  would have listened to your doubts anyway because he probably wanted so badly to believe it.  Addiction is awful and erases the dreams and desires of people.  I'm sure she did want to help you two and do something special.  I will add though, that in no way shape or form do rehearsal dinners start at $1500 and you can do one for $1000 less than that easily.

I talked to FI about it, and we decided that either:

-his mom does come through with $ for the honeymoon (which would be a miracle but hey, it could happen) and FI and I pay for a rehearsal dinner, just not a really expensive one; or

-his mom doesn't come through with any $ and we skip the rehearsal dinner altogether.

I spoke to my mom and we decided that I will pay for a couple more things in the wedding than we'd originally planned for in order to lessen her burden.  I wasn't really expecting the criticism that I've received from some Bees, but I know now that I shouldn't expect money from anyone, even when they promise it.  My mom is convinced that FMIL will be a huge burden on me/us for the rest of my life, but FI promises me he won't let that happen, so we'll see...