(Closed) FMIL frustration

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Your FI had the answer to the money situation months ago!  If his mother acted horrified and offended over being questioned about giving honeymoon money, then that was her passive aggressive way of telling him that she wasn’t footing the bill. 

It might not be your dream, but you could honeymoon locally and save up for a special first anniversary trip. 

As for the rehearsal dinner, just do something casual at your house.  Finger foods that you and your FI prepare. 

 

 

Post # 4
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

ok, you asked for opinions, right? You won’t like mine, but here it is.

Letting your Mom take out a loan to pay for your wedding, in my eyes, is really lame. Are you adults, making your own money? Why are you letting other people pay for you? To take out a loan for a wedding is not very responsible. And it is not responsible of you to let her. In this day and age, there is no reason why a bride’s family should be paying for her wedding, unless they WANT to and have the means to do so.

Second, even though your MIL said she would pay, you should never have expected her to, knowing her history. Accepting this from her has now caused you strife in your relationship, when it should really not have an affect on you. She is an adult and has chosen to live her life this way and you should not put yourself in a position to rely on her paying for something for you.

Your wedding should never cost more than you can afford. Period. While it is an important day, it is not a day you take out loans, go into debt, and pay outragious interest on. People have beautiful weddings that don’t require a loan to be taken out. Why would you ever pay interest on something that is not a financial investment or necessary for you to live? this, in my opinion, is part of the reason why our economy is such a mess and people are without work. Because people took out loans on things they could not afford. So that they can have bigger and better than the next person even though they couldn’t really afford it.

Sorry, but you asked for opinions. You should DUMP the fancy, high cost honeymoon and opt for something you can handle on your own. And don’t rely on her, or anyone to pay your way through lifes expenses again.

Post # 5
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

i know you are just venting.  and i dont want my opinion to come off as minimizing your frustration.  dealing with an addict can be a horribly exhausting thing.

but as it pertains to your wedding, it comes off very self centered.  your mom is taking out loans to pay for your wedding?  you made expensive plans for your rehearsal and honeymoon without reviewing with MIL the budget?  this sounds pretty selfish. you shouldnt expect people to bankrupt themselves to finance your dream wedding.  if she has told you she cannot afford $6k, then you shouldnt expect $6k from her.

if anything, i think you should plan going forward that your MIL will be contributing only a token amount.

Post # 7
Member
46155 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Time for your FI and yourself to assume responsibility for your own lives. Your FMIL has shown many times that she can’t be relied upon, yet your FI continued to make plans counting on her to kick in some cash.

Post # 8
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

You asked for opinions, so here is mine:

I don’t think that your FMIL is the problem, the problem is that you and your FH are acting really entitled, and planning a wedding that none of you can afford.

Your FMIL owes you nothing towards your wedding, your mother owes you nothing towards the wedding, and the fact that any loan was taken out for the wedding is amazingly fiscally irresponsible.

You guys need to face reality and scale your wedding, rehearsal, and honeymoon plans WAY BACK!!

Post # 10
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

You need to cut back on your wedding and pay your  Mom’s loan off. That would be the adult, responsible thing to do.

And you FI should have learned from what happened to him with his school money. You know the saying, fool me once, shame on you, feel me twice, shame on me!

And she can demand all she wants, but if you cannot afford/don’t want her friends there, too bad for her. You simpley tell her you cannot afford to do that. Just because she is totally irresponsible doesn’t mean you have to be.

Post # 11
Member
1956 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School

I think everyone’s kind of jumping on the OP’s back without really reading what she wrote originally…

She mentioned that she didn’t trust her FMIL to actually pay for things but her FI did…Speaking from experience, let me tell you all, it is a very difficult thing to go against your SO’s parents and really, it was his responsibility, not hers, to decide whether his mom would come through or not…

As far as taking out loans go, for some people, it is worth it and we don’t know the size of the loan, it could be as little as 1 or 2k, so let’s not get all caught up in whether taking out a loan for a wedding is the right thing to do or not, that’s not what she asked advice for…

I think that those who have said that you cannot rely on your FI’s mom for anything are, unfortunately, right…I think from now on, assume that you guys will be taking on the financial burden and that she will not be contributing, no matter what she says she will do…

Also, I’m really sorry this is happening because it is always stressful when someone says they will give money for something and then backs out…

Post # 12
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

OP should not have put it out there, then. It is obvious to most of us that OP and her FI are letting others carry their wedding burden. It doesn’;t matter how small the amount is, allowing your Mom to take out a lon, thene xpecting your FMIL to pay for your honeymoon, is irresponsible.

Don’t put stuff out there on a public forum/board if you don’t want comments on it.

Post # 13
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Your FMIL letting your FI down is nothing new in his life.  I’m sure he can think further back (to childhood) to unfulfilled promises.  If he thought that she’d hold true to this when she hasn’t held true to anything else is sad.  By college age, most kids know how their parents operate.  If you are well aware of how his mother operates in this short time fram that you’ve known him, he’s well aware of how his mother operates, too.

Why can’t you use the deposit on your honeymoon for a different honeymoon that’s in a nearby area? 

Post # 14
Member
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree with the PP. I’d try to rework some things so that they fit in your budget. A serious talk about the money for the wedding should be had with FI asap (if/how/when will you pay your mom’s loan back, how to address your FMIL’s list of invites that you two cannot afford, etc). Once you and FI are on the same page, stick to that plan, and lay down the law. The honeymoon seems to be a done deal and your stuck, but cutting guests, trying to reduce the money that your mom is taking out, etc, are still things you can do before May. Good luck on dealing with FMIL, but from now on I wouldn’t accept or count on any ‘financial contributions’ from her until the cash is in your hand. 

ETA: I don’t want to be jumping on you for having family help out with the wedding. In many places and circles that’s common and you stated you just found out that your mom was borrowing to fulfill the promise she’d made. Still, I think you and FI should take that into consideration now when letting her pay for things and try to minimize the amount if possible.

I understand that dealing with FMIL through FI can be difficult, but I think it’s time for him to take a serious look at her history with money. You two are soon to be a family, so hopefully he realizes that being wise with your financials and not relying (or believing) her is a tough but necessary step. 

Post # 15
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

@trailmix: I would agree with you regarding being FI’s responsibility to ask his mom … but he did months ago!  FI’s mom went off on him and her initial reaction shoud’ve been the red flag that they weren’t going to see any money for the honeymoon! 

If someone acts horrified and offended that you’re asking for honeymoon money, well, I don’t know of any bigger of a sign that the cash isn’t coming! 

Post # 16
Member
10288 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I didn’t read through all of the posts so maybe my points have already been made but here it goes…

  • The fact that your mother is taking out a loan for your wedding is a problem. I realize everyone is different but WE won’t even take out a loan for our own wedding so I would NEVER allow my parents to jeopardize their financial future for the sake of paying for our wedding. 
  • This is your wedding so it is your responsibility to pay for it. If your parents want to help thats great but expecting someone to cover aspects is just not cool. I understand your upset that your FMIL said she would pay for things and now isn’t but that happens ALOT. Either figure out a way to pay for it yourself or change your plans so that you can afford everything with the money that your mother is graciously giving you.
  • I don’t know where your’re planning on having your RD but “STARTING at $1500” is crazy. Find a nice restaurant to host it at and call it a day. 
  • Lots of people don’t take honeymoons because they are typically very expensive. If you refuse to compromise on your wedding then forego your honeymoon or push it back a few months so that you can pay for it yourselves. 
  • How your FMIL spends her money is none of your business. How much money she makes is also none of your business. I also dont think that she would be too thrilled about you posting her salary on the internet, even though it is anonymous. 

ETA: After reading your follow up post, I really think that you should urge your mother to not take out the loan. If I knew my parents were taking out a loan to pay for my wedding, I would never let them do it. If your mom wants to help with your wedding then thats great but you should only take what money she’s comfortable shelling out without going into debt. I also still think that you and your FI should be responsible for paying for everything that your mother isn’t covering. Thats the mature thing to do. 

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