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*hugs* I'd definitely be upset/annoyed/frustrated/sad too! This is such a unique and akward situation. I think that posting here is a great opportunity for you to vent - as I'm not sure if there is anything you can really do to avoid any conflict or akwardness...I hope it does work out though!
Eek, I am so sorry. That totally sucks.
And I'm actually very paranoid this will be happening to me except it will be my dad getting married. Like a month or two after our engagement, he proposed. I don't know when they are getting married (we don't really talk), but they would totally do this! To top it off, he acts like my relationship isn't as serious as his and my fiance isn't as important as is (like freaking out that I wouldn't be spending the day with his on her birthday (I worked), yet totally forgot my guy's that was 5 days earlier. Oh and hes been with me for 5 years, whereas they've been tog. for 2).
One thing I've learned though is that there is nothing I can do. So I'm trying just to accept I have a one-upping, insensitive relative. I don't think there is anything you can do, except if she is stealing your actual day. Then I would take her aside and remind her that "her day" will come soon.
The only thing that would bother me is the dress situation. I am assuming by how upset you are that she knew this was your favorite dress, and that she bought it anyway, before you found your new dress at the filene's sale? Did she know that you were going to buy it, if you didn't find something better, or was she under the assumption that you'd already said no to the dress? If this was "The One" for her, you can't get mad if she thought you'd already passed it by...
I wouldn't be upset at the timing-- you only get one day, not a month, and her engagment period sounds like it's lasting exactly the same amount of time as yours. How is her wedding nearly a month later going to take anything away from your night?
Can you explain what the problem would be, if your engagement announcements run at the same time? There will be lots of other brides and grooms listed the same day, correct? Are they "stealing your thunder?"
You shouldn't begrudge her the full wedding experience, just because this is her second wedding. I'm sure you would agree that she deserves a day just as happy and wonderful as yours, even though she's an encore bride.
I know you came here looking for support, and I do wish you good luck in working through your emotions about this. However, I would (gently) suggest that you take a step back, and look at the big picture, and see if your heightened bridal emotions are making this into a bit of a bigger deal for you than it really is.
I agree. There's no rule to me that's broken except a close relative has chosen a date TOO CLOSE to an already planned family event.
I'm going to be an encore bride. And it IS 100 PERCENT as important as a first wedding imho. But I also believe this FMIL is being wierd and strange to 1)have the wedding so close to your wedding and 2)have the dress you picked out as the backup dress as HER dress. NOW THAT IS WIERD to me!
How did she find this dress? If you showed it to her then I would be definitely angry. I would personally let her know that YOU WILL BE IN THAT DRESS for some photos and they will be published in the paper..BEFORE her wedding. I would say that I wanted to avoid awkwardness and hope that nobody would ask her why she borrowed MY dress...
I'm sorry, but that is just too wierd for me. She should have willingly changed her date knowing her soon to be stepson is marrying and not intermixed into all this. If I had to guess, she has the wedding "bug" and is possibly a little jealous and wanted some attention too.
I'm taking a different approach (don't be mad!) I am just trying to see it from your FMIL's point of view.
Atleast she didn't set her wedding date to be 3 weeks BEFORE yours. IMO she's making her wedding just look like an after thought, especially if you'll have a lot of the same guests. Don't let that get to you! People will be excited to go to yours & having to go to a wedding less than a month away & see the same people seems kind of blah.
As for the dress, I don't think she meant to hurt you since you said yourself she's the "sweetest lady in the world". When you found your dress I'm sure she thought you wouldn't mind if she chose your "backup". It was your backup- not the same dress you're going to wear right? You chose the dress you like better! Think of it as flattery... she obviously admires your style!
I understand your frustration & that you're doing everything at the same time, engagement photos, dress shopping, showers, etc... but your day will still be special! I really don't think its worth confronting her over. She's just excited about her wedding too... you wouldn't want anyone to rain on your parade either, would you? :)
Best wishes!
Interesting situation here, both sides make good arguments. I agree that it was particularly courteous that she set her date AFTER yours. She could have easily made it before and completely stolen your thunder, or made it just ONE OR TWO weeks after yours. She probably thought three weeks was respectable enough. For all you know, she wanted to have her wedding ASAP, but felt she had to wait in order to set her date after yours, hence her making it so close. (In my experience older people or people who are getting remarried really just don't like long engagements ... they just want to be married again.)
As for the dress, I think that will decide for me which side I'm on. If you showed her the dress as your backup and then she chose it for herself before you bought the new dress that you WILL be wearing, then I'd be outraged. If not, I don't know how much she has really done wrong here.
I'm curious how old she is. At first I was thinking she was in at least her 50's. But you seem young. If your Fi is that young, maybe she's in her 40s, possibly early 40s. I guess I'm caught up with this because i'm picturing a lady who is a little "older". I guess I'm used to "older" encore brides having weddings that are a bit laid back and low key. And thinking about her in a dress for someone younger seems strange. But I could see it for a younger encore bride.
Is she also having a large reception? Are you concerned that her weddign will be more lavish than yours?
I could see being a bit upset if this is really a big event. But if it was about someting informal, limited guests, I wouldn't be concerned. Unfortunately, it sounds like hers is going to be the former..
I know how you feel! *hugs* My fiancee's brother's girlfriend announced she was pregnant 3 weeks after we got engaged (we dated for nearly 6 years too), and then a month and a half later they're engaged too. Now they're getting married in a small ceremony later this summer, but then having their reception on their 1 year anniversary date -- 6 weeks before our wedding (we picked the date the night we got engaged). I totally understand the emotions you're feeling.
I don't know what else to say but that I know your frustration and that whether or not we're frustrated they won't change their plans. :(
That would be a little ...er... displeasing. The dress mention is almost the most aggravating part...but, then again, maybe she is so inspired by you and she sees how happy and beautiful you are as a person and a bride and she wants something similar! Your day is going to be beautiful and will be one of the most memorable days of you and your hubby2bees' :) lives...don't spend the days up to it worrying-spend them appreciating how great the whole process is! :) (Did that sound motivating?? :))) hehe)
Thanks everyone. I am definitely not going to say anything to my FMIL or my fiance, I never planned to. I would never want to attempt to ruin her day or make her feel badly. I am just feeling like my day is now a little less special. Not really to anyone else, but I feel like our wedding is not quite as important to her as it is to my family. Call me selfish, that's fine, I am emotional and it's just difficult feeling one-upped all of the time.
My FMIL is in her mid-forties. I don't think that age is a factor at all and I never implied that a second wedding is less important than the first. If I made anyone think that at all I apologize. As I said before...she deserves all of the happiness in the world and I want her to have a special day. I am truly ecstatic that she finally found an amazing man, just frustrated that it is all happening at the same time.
As for her wedding, it is very low key. Just immediate family. Her reception will be quite a bit larger. I was under the impression that she was looking for a very simple, short bridesmaid's type dress because that is what she kept showing me in magazines. So when she bought the gorgeous lace dress that I first had my eye on, and that I had shown her pictures of myself in, I was a bit surprised. But she did wait to buy the dress until after I purchased mine at Filene's.
About the engagement announcement.... we are from a pretty small town, only three or four engagements are listed every week. So there won't be many, and they will end up right next to each other. My fiance and I no longer live in that small town but we are having our announcement in that paper because most of our family lives in that area.
Now looking back it was nice of her to have the wedding after ours. I should be thankful that she was thinking of us in that decision. Thank you to those of you who have been supportive with your words, that's all I need or ask for. Also, thank you to those who helped me see her side of the situation.
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I think your FMIL was being VERY gracious in her choices!! She made sure to give you a three week buffer (plenty of time!), she waited until you had purchased a dress BEFORE she purchased hers, and she seems to be having a very different type of wedding than yours. There is a popular saying: "You get one day, not a week or a month." I think that's true in this case. Take a step back, take a deep breath, and ask yourself if ANYONE else will notice all these things besides you. If not, I think you might be overracting. That said, it's still not easy to get over being jealous even if you know you're being irrational. I would just try to focus on the marriage and not the wedding. Your day will be PLENTY special, I'm sure the focus will be all on you and your FI. No worries!
don't feel bad lora, I didn't mean to in any way suggested your feelings were irrational. You feel how you feel and there's never anything wrong about that! And I totally understand you want your day to be perfect, and no matter how courteous she tries to be she is clearly going to be taking away from that perfection. I would be annoyed too, well, because it's what brides do!
We are all uber sensitive about this one day. Now with all the facts, I think she should still not have bought that dress, but she obviously didn't do it to hurt you ... just good ol' monkey see monkey do! To me a dress has either a young or old look, so if it looked good on you, I'm sure it won't look good on her anyway :P Just put the disgruntlement aside, and enjoy your day. Like someone else said, her wedding is a mere afterthought. Yours is going to rock!
lora,
You probably looked so gorgeous and elegant in those lace dress pictures you showed her that she just had to have it for herself! It sounds like she just likes your style, and trusts your taste.
It's great that it sounds like you have an easy, close relationship with her, and that you really appreciate her as a person. Maybe you can take this opportunity to get even closer to her. I have a best friend who got engaged a bit after me, and who is getting married in just a few weeks-- and we've had so much fun planning together, and sharing ideas with one another.
It sounds like the engagement notice in the paper can easily be arranged for different weeks-- maybe just ask her if you can submit them together, with a note attached that you would like them published two or three weeks apart, and list the reason? Or could you submit yours now, and ask her to wait to submit hers until after yours is already printed?
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EngagedtoPanda,
For the sake of the gorgeous encore brides who are active on the boards and such a great part of the Weddingbee community, it's probably not the best idea to imply that non-20-something brides can't rock their dresses just as well as the younger girls, and that their weddings are afterthoughts...
Not to pick on you, and perhaps I'm reading your comment in a completely different light than it was intended, but you know how uber sensitive we are at this time! :)
@jhphi: I was actually the first one to mention that her FMIL's wedding would be considered an "afterthought". I wrote in my comment why I thought it would be an afterthought & in no way did I mean it would be "less special". I'm sorry for the confusion!!
Encore brides are an essential part of the hive & I would never say something so mean! There is NO difference between an Encore and a first time bride, other than the insight & experience Encore brides offer. One of our greatest encore assets is bellenga... the hive wouldn't be the same without her input!
The reason I said lora's FMIL wedding would be an afterthought was because, most likely, they'll have a similar guest list. Half the guests will have attended Lora's wedding 3 weeks prior...
Last summer I went to 2 weddings in one month. I was so excited for the first one, but once the second wedding rolled around I had lost the excitement I had for the first. They both had beautiful weddings & I was equally happy for both couples, but it was draining to have to attend the two weddings and alllll the events that surround a wedding. It's a lot to ask guests to come to 2 family weddings in one month.
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Well thank goodness she is getting married after you rather than before you. ;)
My step-sister and I both got engaged, and then my mom set a date with her fiance for before both of our weddings! Now THAT is stealing someone's thunder.
It's interesting to see that so many other brides are going through the same thing I am! I became engaged in January and will be married in September. My mother became engaged three weeks ago and is getting married August 1st! She called last week to ask if we would mind if she was married first, and I gave her the thumbs up right away!
No one can steal the thunder from your day...it's all you (well, er, and your husband to be of course)!
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I'm sorry you're annoyed and I am sure you're just venting, but you really only get one day, not a whole month. She's planned something different than yours and made sure that you could be there after the HM. I think it's time to take a deep breath and be thankful she's being gracious about it.
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Hi Hive!
So maybe it's just my inner bridezilla coming out but my FMIL is driving me crazy! She's the sweetest lady in the world but....
She got engaged a little less than a month after my fiance and I. They chose a wedding date that is exactly three weeks after our wedding...and only a week after we get back from our honeymoon. To top it all off she decided to buy the dress that I was planning on getting if I didn't find one at the Running of the Brides (which luckily I did). But come on, this is my back up dress....I love it almost as much as I love my own. Now my fear is that if we put our engagement announcement in the paper it might end up right next to their's on the page. That might be my breaking point...engagement announcement in the same paper? Oh gosh! I mean really, this is her second wedding....and this is my one-better be my only- big day! She is totally stealing my thunder. Sorry for venting, but I need people who understand! My FMIL deserves all of the happiness in the world and I would wish nothing less than the best for her, but this is really tough.
I have a little more than a month to go, I know that I should just ignore all of this but I need some support. Would you be upset by any of this? How can I continue to keep my mouth shut like I have for so long? Help me hive....I might start to lose it.
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