Post # 1
FH & I have decided to have a small personal wedding and invite mostly family and a very few friends of ours to the wedding. This is due to our hopes for the wedding & budget. My family happens to be rather large, both parents have 5 siblings and their children many of their own children. FH has a comparatively small family so it takes up a smaller portion of our guest list. His mother keeps "suggesting" that we add family friends (hers from high school) and their neighbors. She told him she feels like since we are both working hard to pay for it then we should both get to have equal amounts of people invited?! So we should not invite some of my family members so she can invite her friends from high school so that we split the guest list 50/50?!?! I understand that this is a big day and due to the limited guest list we are unable to invite all the people who are important to us ON BOTH SIDES. However our view is that this will soon be "our family" and we want them to meet and celebrate if they are able to attend. I wouldn’t mind if it had stopped at one or even two requests but she is bothering him about it non-stop to the point that he is stressed. I am also a little offended that this to her is a matter that comes down to who gets to invite the most people. How could we invite her family friends when we’ve told my parents that we were not going to? Like it would be fair to say "well we have a bigger family so no family friends on our side." We have made up our minds I am just venting. This along with a few other FMIL (& FSIL) situations has me wanting to "let them know" (I know not a good idea just an urge)
Post # 3
This is a complicated issue, for sure. You shouldn’t have to limit your family members just so she can invite random friends! But maybe she was just expressing the worry that your family will overwhelm hers–I understand that you want to think of everyone as "our family", but it sounds like she sees the situation in clear-cut numbers. My fiance and I decided to split our guest list down the middle, though we’re obviously not going to be that strict about it. He has a big family and we’re only having 50 people; we want to make sure people that are important to both of us are there. However, these women your future mother in law wants to invite are not meaningful to you OR your fiance. So I say that you stick to your original plans, but maybe talk to your fiance to make sure that he feels like he has enough representation there. Good luck!!
Post # 4
Ugg. That’s hard. I think it’s really wrong to look at it, as she does. If she invites her freinds, other people think they should be ableto invite theirs. I understand feeling like more money is being spent on "someone else". But really this just happens to be the circumstnace. It’s no one’s fault that you happen to have a ton more people in your family. If she wanted to slim down the list, to equal number, would she think it was OK to invite some of her distant relatives, while you have to cross off some aunts and uncles?
I think you should figure out how you and your FI want to divide it. Then FI should be firm with his mom.
Well maybe I should ask, is she paying for some of this wedding? If so, can she just pay for folks she’s inviting? Then maybe she won’t feel slighted, and will perhaps find that she really doesn’t need to invite her hair stylist’s cousin’s neighbor.
Post # 5
first and foremost (((hugs)))
I agree with the other bees talk with your FI and be firm with your decision. If she’s still insisting then have her pay for the guests.
Post # 6
Thanks! FH & I agree on how things are set up. We invited all of both of our families, attendants, & then some of each of our close friends and that comes in at 4 under the max. capacity of the venue. We discussed having a B list but then realized that we would have to go through and "pick" who was most important to invite and feel like that would be too hard. So we decided we didn’t want to do a B list that we would just be happy with those that could come from our current list. We are the ones paying so neither one of our "sides" are paying more than the other. I am so lucky to have a FH who I agree with on most of the wedding choices. I just don’t know how to make it make sense to his mom that my side isn’t bigger because it’s more important, it’s just bigger b/c my family happens to have more people. If his family was larger it would be the same.