- 7 years ago
- Wedding: June 2011
I acknowledge in advance this is a rant that I can’t even explain to FI anymore because he thinks I’m being a hard-ass. I don’t understand what the point is of sending invitations to people we don’t want to come. What if they all say yes?!
I have told my FMIL repeatedly that the max at our venue is 185. I have wanted to invite a max of around 206 people to account for the expected 20% rejection rate, knowing that if needed, our venue would indeed be able to accommodate the extra seats (although they won’t be happy about it, they told us they have done 205 before and that was as high as they would go). So I get to invite about 100, and my FI gets to invite about 100. Fair’s fair, right?
Because I expected a slightly big list from her, I have cut out many people near and dear to me. On my side, I am only inviting about 60 people, and filled the other 40 with all vendors/the officiant/etc., (they won’t all get traditional invites of course, but we need to consider them when we order food), plus my FI’s friends who I know won’t be included on his mother’s list. I am not even inviting one of my dad’s brothers! Some of the people in my bridal party won’t be able to get a plus one!
I was worried that her list was getting big so I asked her to sit down and count each individual person, because actual guest lists are far different from the hypotheticals in our heads. I told her I cut out some of my guests to give her a little extra cushion. Once she sat down, she had 200 on her side ALONE to invite! Random cousins nobody remembers the name of, etc.
So, lately, she’s been working on cutting her list down as I’ve asked. Very sweet. She said once last week that she got it down to 100. Relief! Yay! And then TODAY she emails and says, “The guest list on our side is 150, but we only expect 96 to attend. Should we only send save the dates to those 96 or is that rude?”
Um. Sure. Don’t send the extra 54 people save the dates. Also, uh, don’t invite people you don’t really even want there because they might freakin’ come?! Really. I mean I have read so many nightmare stories from people who figured they’d be fine, those people will never come, but sometimes they do. Sometimes the people you least want there are the ones who come. These extra 54 people include alcoholics, people who just recently got out of jail, noisy grumpy teenagers whose parents will feel like it’s POLITE to go to the wedding because they were invited even though they don’t want to go, etc. There’s a lot of obligation event-attending on FI’s side of the family, and I have been to horrible weddings that were no fun and not loving at all because of this.
But I feel like I have made myself clear, and the only way I can be more clear is to be totally rude. I want to yell at her. I want to tell her I already am cutting out some of the people I’d love to see that day so SHE doesn’t have to say no to people. Argh! I don’t know what to do! She is paying for a lot of the wedding so I feel like I have no recourse. She’s already forcing us to have both the flowergirl and ringbearer come from FI’s side of the family because they are brother and sister and it’s only “fair” and they’ll “feel bad” if they don’t both have a job. (Meanwhile, I don’t get to honor any of my young, cute relatives with the job?!)
Meanwhile, although I’ve gone over this guest list situation with him, FI says he wants to send an open-ended invitation to the bar where he used to work. Not put specific people’s names on it, or something that says “Five of you can come – you write your names in.” No, he wants to just invite the whole damn place! He also thinks it’s okay to address invites by saying “Mr. and Mrs. Farfenneugen AND FAMILY.” No specific number of seats listed!
Pardon me, I’m facing a potential fire hazard in our reception space.