(Closed) FMIL guest list…

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

i’m with you 110%!  my FMIL told me once that her side of the family had about 200 business contacts they would be inviting.  this is on top of their huge family.  the mister and i have been together about 5 years and i know maybe a dozen of their gigantic family.  our solution will either be a destination wedding or simply telling FMIL that she has X number of spots at the wedding (prob 40) and she can include anyone she likes.  but that is it.  i just don’t want strangers at my wedding!

Post # 4
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

My MIL handed me a list of 85 people. Now that the wedding is over, I feel like a lot of them were unnecessary add-ons. Like, COUSINS of HERS. I didn’t know about 5 tables worth of people at our wedding. We had 12 tables.  But, they were all the same people invited to SIL’s wedding, so it was a copy/paste thing. If our venue was smaller (we were required to pay for 155 plates of food, no matter who showed up) or if we had decided on a different location, we’d have EASILY been able to scale down to 80.

Post # 5
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

*shivers* I feel you, though she didn’t invite quite that many. Problem is we are receiving a lot more accepts than we thought (only 7 people [not couples but people]) have declined with 8 days left to RSVP. I am getting nervous as both my parents and his parents promised "you should invite them, but don’t worry they won’t come anyway" – WRONG, problem is too many people are RSVPing.

I am getting a little upset though b/c I found out that some of the people FMIL invite my own FIANCE has not even met. I understand she would be inviting people that I maybe have not met because that is how it is for my fiance, too, but people that my fiance doesn’t know? She has invited some of her BINGO friends… I didn’t know that is who they were at the time but NOW YOU BET I KNOW. It’s too late now and I can’t do anything about it. Then I found out that the "extended" family that were invited from my FI’s side were not the cousins of theirs as I had thought all along… but that they were their deceased parents COUSINS! And we invited these people to the dinner!!!!! Again, didn’t know this until after the invites were sent out.Then they insisted we invite my future sister-in-laws parents (which neither of us know very well). I asked my FI again and again if all of all of these people really needed to be invited and we got in an argument every time it was brought up so after a while I let go. Now looking back even he is saying that we should’ve put the axe on probably 15 people that were invited. UGHHHH! I just hope that a lot of the people we didn’t want to invite in the first place decline this next week. Is that bad? πŸ™‚

Post # 6
Member
3332 posts
Sugar bee

I totally hear where you’re coming from.  My MIL had a lot of people whom we had never met (or whom my husband hadn’t seen in 15+ years) on her wish list.  However, as we were paying for the wedding, we didn’t invite a lot of extra people.  We only allowed her a certain number of invitees, which kept the randoms out.

FWIW, I do think if you’re wedding is above a certain size and parents are paying, it does happen to have people that you don’t know there.  My best advice if you want to keep this from happening is to cut the guest list number.  We kept our wedding pretty small (86 guests), so we knew that we knew everyone.

Post # 7
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Wow mimosa, are we the same person? We’re month twins battling the same problem πŸ˜€

Seriously though, I would email her back and say "Thanks for giving me the list, FI and I will go over it and try to include as many as possible! I will try my hardest to include everyone, but you know how expensive weddings are–and our venue only holds so many. So if we need to make cuts, we’ll get back to you on your list and who is the most dear to you! I look forward to seeing you soon!"

At least, I pray to God that statement ends up working out for me. πŸ™‚

Post # 8
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

It’s funny – I have been with my FI for 4.5 years as well and we are in the same situation!  Yes, I do think it is strange to have people coming to the wedding that you don’t know…but unfortunately I can’t give you any good advice since FI and I caved and invited the people on my FMIL’s list just to keep the peace.  I can say this though, I have learned that there is absolutely NO way to make everyone happy no matter how hard we have tried – so if I knew then what I know now, we would have definately talked to her and set a limit on her invites. I think cinemaparidiso’s line above sounds great…wish I would have read that a few months ago! πŸ™‚

Post # 9
Member
531 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

There is no way in hell I would allow this. It’s you and your Fiances wedding, not hers. This day is about your love and commitment to each other and sharing it with those you truly care for, your nearest and dearest- in my honest opinion. I think it’s very odd to have a bunch of folk you don’t know and I would feel awkward. Just my two cents. If she wants to impress these folk and spend time with them she should host a dinner party.

Post # 11
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

FI and I have been together for over 6 1/2 years. I got his list from his parents and, yes, there were a few names I didn’t know. However, I don’t really care .. it isn’t too uncommon from what I have seen and heard. 6 1/2 years is a very short time compared to how long his parents have known some of these people. As long as they get be the guest list on time, I will graciously welcome anyone (well, just ABOUT anyone). I also know for a fact that there are many people on my parent’s list that FI doesn’t know — i think its pretty normal.

Post # 12
Member
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

my FMIL is inviting people that have never even met my FH, and she invited a good 20 extra people to the wedding

Post # 13
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m having the same problem. We are paying for the wedding and I didn’t mind having 100-120 people at the reception because I realize he has a pretty big family. My FMIL just e-mailed her guest list of 115 people and I told her TOLD HER she can invite 50 people, rather that be 25 couples of 50 individuals, I didn’t care….but she just gave me a  list and didn’t even follow my instructions. I asked her to make sure she had all the addresses, phone number, and to put the relationship of the person (so I could later know who I could chop if needed) She gave me that list of 115 and I have NINE, NINE addresses and I have no idea who they are. I know the family members I have meet from her side of the family and even my fiance doesn’t know some of the people who are on there! Plus she thinks that everyone deserves a +1 and didn’t add it in the total. Ugh, so now the numer is more like 150 which is more than the total I wanted. My mom was good (and we do have a smaller family and friend base) and gave me a list for 59. I can handle the extra 9.

 I talked to her today about it and she said we have to invite these people due to formality and half aren’t going to come anyway! And I know that is wrong because her family is so selfish and would come down here even if they didn’t know us just for the free food and booze. UGH! *stressed*

So if you find out anything that helps, let me know πŸ™

Post # 14
Member
531 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@ Floridabeachbride- I feel for you, I really do. It’s sad that she can’t see that this is about love and commitment and not formality and a way to impress HER friends……truly sad and selfish of her. I think she’s living in the wrong era.

Post # 15
Member
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Yes, some people even commented that our wedding is just a big party for her and it kinda makes me just a bit upset and that she forgets its about us and not her, but she truly just doesn’t get it and thinks that its about the money that we don’t want to pay for extra people, which is frustrating too, i guess she doesn’t get that its not about all about the money and its about what kinda of wedding we want. kinda makes me glad the process with be over for me soon!

Post # 16
Member
380 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I am going through the same thing. Although my FMIL list is not that big, half of them I have never met and a couple I wouldnt dream of inviting. I did include 2 people she had on her list that I had not originally planned b/c they are actually his aunts but other than that.. we compiled our list and are very happy with it so that is it. Can you believe she wanted to invite our Veterinarian and my FI’s barber?? lol I mean don’t get me wrong our vet is great (we share the same vet) but she isn’t family or a close friend. cinemaparadiso I agree with you and I said something like you suggested to my FMIL .

Mimosa discuss with your FI and as long as you and her are happy with your list then don;t worry about it. If you have never met them and will probably not see them after the wedding then don’t invite.

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