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I think the best thing to do is to be supportive of your FI. This seems like an issue he needs to handle. I know that's probably really frustrating, but it's his mom, and unless you want an all out war with her, I think it's best that he handle it. Of course, if she were to address you directly, you can firmly tell her what's going on "I'm sorry, but we've already made plans," etc.
I agree that your FI needs to fight this battle. Are they aware that you already cancelled plans with your family once to accomodate them? If not, I would have your FI point that out. She needs to know that her son is getting married and joining a new family now and he will have to split his time. It's best she start getting used to it now!
Yes, let your DH handle his mom. Not to sound harsh (and I'm basing this on I have seen her get mad at him many times for very little things and the guilt trips are unbelievable.) but she may keep doing this because he has given in in the past. Again, I don't know the history but if her giving you a guilt trip makes him do what she wants, he is the only one that can stop this and you kind of have a FI problem. Because for her, it is working! So he needs to stop giving in and stop making it work for her.
Even if he doesn't give in, she won't change over night. You'll still get the blame, she'll still do guilt trips but you just have to ignore them. And they will get crazy! Just don't give in. Treat her like you would a 2 year old.
I don't have any words of advice, but I'm very sorry you have to deal with this! FMILs can be so nasty sometimes.
Be as supportive to your FI as you possibly can. Your FMIL is obviously worried she's "losing" her son. But, I think as long as you two can keep a unified focus and state your plans (and understand that she will be disappointed from time to time) it will get easier (and hopefully her outbursts are minimized).
There will be times you'll have to pick one family over the other - but, as long as you and FI are ok with what you choose, that's really what's most important.
@Moose1209: Yes, he told her we had changed plans already and she said to tell my parents to change again. Nice, huh?
Thanks everyone for your comments. I'm just completely frustrated and hurt (and at work, awesome).
My FMIL is like this. She loses her mind when FI does stuff with my family. I have no advice cause I'm angry about it myself. ((HUGS))))
@PinkPinstripes: How thoughtful of her! In that case it's time for tough love. She needs to know that she is not the only priority in your lives and that you are not at her beck and call. He has to put his foot down, say no, and have it be the end of the discussion. Like the pervious poster said she'll never stop this behaviour if it keeps working for her.
@PinkPinstripes: your FMIL sounds like my mom. She guilt trips us into doing things with them constantly and insists that we shouldn't see my in laws. It's beyond frustrating. I unfortunately don't have any advice, but I know how you feel and wanted to offer some support and sympathy!
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Bees I need someone to vent to!!! This just happened so I apologize if my typing isn't 100% clear.
Last weekend, FI and I had plans to go to my parent's house for the evening. Just a relaxing night, no big deal. They are contributing ALOT to our wedding and haven't seen FI is several months (they live about an hour away and I meet up with my mom about every 2 weeks or so). FI and I talked, no big deal, we're going.
Then, his parents (who also live about an hour away) decide they are coming up to the city for the weekend and want to see us. Guilt trip about going out with them, yadda yadda. I compromise and change dates with my parents, my parents kindly have no problem, and so that's that. We end up spending Friday and Sat night with them, and Sat night sitting at his aunt's house for the night and never go out.
FMIL calls FI today and wants us to go to Maine with them (about 2 hours for us) for the entire weekend. FI explains that we have plans with my family.
FMIL FLIPS OUT (this is not unusual). Lays a massive guilt trip on him, says why would you go to her family in the summer (my parents don't live near the beach, the place in Maine is a summer town), asks if I'm trying to keep him away from his family (after I spent ALL of last weekend with them), on and on.
FI calls me all upset, but we keep the plans with my parents.
Some background: FMIL and FI don't always have the best relationship. I have seen her get mad at him many times for very little things and the guilt trips are unbelievable.
How do I handle this? I can't stand the thought of a fight at every holiday/life event.