- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
I would have your fiancé call her directly, immediately and sort it out. It's easy to hide behind emails.
I forgot to mention that SHE said we'll just invite ALL the aunts and uncles instead of just her's. FI still said no, but she obviously didn't listen. If we invite all of them, plus her friends, there will only be about 5 people at the wedding who weren't at the rehearsal dinner.
@BoiledPNut: Yikes! I've learned through this wedding planning process that wedding planning brings out the crazy in people. Good luck love! :/ Talk to your FI about it and have him talk to her. She shouldn't be emailing like that. It is you and your FI decision/wedding
You need to settle this, and settle it quickly. It sounds like it turned really ugly, and you need to fix it before it tarnishes your wedding for you and for your FILs. However, if she's footing the bill for the wedding, then she does get a say in the guest list. It's unfortunate that everything went down this way, but I think that there's a way to fix it. Can you compromise that you'll invite family and not her VA friends?
ouch! Family dynamics are absolutely the worst part about wedding planning! I would say if this is something your FI is adamant about hand it over to him and have him call his mom right now before she has any more time to stew about it and get more crazy ideas. I know if I'm ticked off I'll just dwell on it and it makes the problem much worse in my mind and I'm more apt to blow up (even though seems like she already has).
@abbie017: She is NOT paying for the wedding at all. She offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner, but now she's pitching a fit that FI needs to talk to his dad about paying for it (he just started talking to his dad after about a year of no contact).
Is it possible to pay for the rehearsal dinner yourselves so she can't say "Well I'm paying for it so I get to do what I want"? Even if it means just a pizza dinner or a big batch of chili or something?! It sounds like far more headache than it's worth!
@bakerella: I agree. She probably feels like since she is paying she should have a say.
Since she's paying she DOES have a say, and for so few people I find it odd that he doesn't want them all there. It isn't like it will be 100,so what's the big deal? Are they travelling to be there the night before so will be there anyway? I'd think twice if it was a huge crowd, but I'd include them too.
@BoiledPNut: Oh, I misunderstood your post when you said she's writing a check; that sounded to me like she was paying. In her email, she said she was going to write you a check to do whatever you want, so you can see where that confusion from me (and other Bees) is comin from.
Honestly, you need to weigh your options. Is it worth having this huge feud with your in-laws, or is it worth just having the extra people at your rehersal dinner? It seems like she wants to have an inclusive rehersal dinner for your OOT guests (I'm in the same situation, btw, with most of my guests traveling). But my advice remains - you need to address this with your FMIL and your FI before it gets even worse.
If you're having a small wedding that everyone has to travel to attend, I think it's rude NOT to include everyone at the rehearsal dinner. "Thanks for driving 100 miles, Aunt Matilda! Sorry, you're on you're own for dinner tonight while the rest of us are at the rehersal dinner." "Hey, Uncle Joe! Glad you were able to fly in! Sorry, you're not invited to the rehersal dinner. Sure hope you got us a nice wedding gift, though!"
@bakerella: This is what we are planning on doing at this point. She emailed me again and said we should just have 2 separate dinners. *eyeroll*
@Miss Apricot: This is why we wanted to do just the people involved in the wedding. None of us can afford basically 2 receptions.
That's ridiculous. You just need to have your FI deal with it. I wouldn't talk to her at all until he had her fix it.
@BoiledPNut: If she isnt paying (which it appears no one is reading at this point for some reason) then she doesnt get a say. The end! she can offer all she wants but its up to you to say yes or no,and by you I mean you and your fiance.
@Bellanouva: she said she isn't paying for the wedding, but IS paying for the RD (or was, and now I'm not sure either!)
@smyley: the confusion appears that the FMIL offered but there is no indication of whether the couple is accepting that help or not. If that is the case, then well thats the conditions of accepting peoples help- nothing is for free, and theres going to be strings. She can change her mind and ask for whatever she wants if shes paying. However at this point it looks like shes not paying for anything wedding related? Thats what the OP stated in the last comment.
I had this to navigate myself, I think most people do. I have a big family complex in my culture and we are having only a 40 person wedding. If you are guessing that my parents in particular are not pitching in you would be a hundred percent right. They are still unhappy about the numbers too. Fiance's family however has offered to help and is ok with the small numbers. Communication on funds is a big thing with weddings, you should be aware of the dynamics before you accept or ask for anything.
@BoiledPNut: Alright. Well then do one "family" dinner that she gets to pay for some night, and then one "rehearsal dinner" that you guys pay for. It'll be nice to spend time with family (at the wedding you'll be so busy you won't get to talk to everyone as much as you'd like to), she'll feel like she "won" the argument, win win!
I'm sorry but I would stick to my guns. If you want your rehearsal dinner to be for the people that had to rehearse than that's what you should have.
She gets a say for whatever she pays for. If she's not paying she gets no say. And best that your FI deal w/her. Yikes!
She should be talking to her son about this, not sending you emails forcing you to be the middle-man. It's really innapropriate of her to put you in this position.
I think you should stick to your plan of just having bridal party, parents and grandparents. That's standard for these things. The reception is for everyone to celebrate, the rehersal is to thank the people who are at your rehersal (traditionally).
That being said, she's writing you an email as though you should be on her "side" of things. She's trying to bully you into something she wants and that is not cool. She needs to know that you and your FI are a "team" on this. He needs to talk to his mom and say that you both understand that she's stressed, and appreciate that, however you're only having the people you want at the rehersal AND that his mom should contact him about these things and not write you emails calling him out. You're going to be his wife, and it's totally wrong and rude of her to act this way to you.
Good luck!
Whoever is paying for the event has the say so in who is invited, where it is, and how they want things handled. End of discussion in my book.
JMHO
I really hate when people expect you to invite a bunch of people to the rehearsal dinner. IMO it's almost like making it a prelude reception to the wedding and really who can afford that and it kind of makes the actual reception seem less important. I think the only people that should be invited to the rehearsal dinner are the wedding party and their spouses, your parents and grandparents, and parents of the flower girl/ring bearer and anyone else directly related to the wedding such as the officiant and wedding planner, etc. Celebrate with the rest of your guests at the actual wedding reception.
i'm with miss apricots post.
you cant expect people to pay to come to your destination wedding...and not spend the time leading up to it with them. they are family and should be invited to the rehersal dinner. if you don't want them at the dinner you shouldn't invite them to the wedding. they are making an effort for you...you should extend the same curtesy to them.
i think as brides we all seem to get wrapped up in thnking its our day and our way...but its not. its about two individual people merging as well as two families. it'll cost you $1000 dollars more to invite them...but thats a pretty cheap price to keep peace in the family....you won't regret spending that money in 10 years time but you might regret in the future having to explain to your kids why they don't see grandma.
sorry didn't mean to sound condesending.... i saw a similar thing happen with my best friend and her husbands family....(his family wanted 150 pple invited and they only had 70 pple at the wedding) it grew into a big hot mess....his parents didn't come to the wedding and they haven't spoken for 7 years. My best friend regrets it to this very day...and has tried to make peace with his family repeatedly.. she said she cried the day her son came home from preschool and asked her why he only has one gramdma. its a terrible situation and I would hate for that to happen too someone else.
Umm, I've been an OOT guest at weddings before and I NEVER expected to be invited to the rehearsal dinner. I don't understand that thinking at all. Maybe it's just regional? I dunno, but I was invited to a wedding ceremony/reception, if i chose to show up the day before then that's my option and I fended for myself. No one should HAVE to feed me. I'm an adult and know where to find food.
@Lee_Ann: I kind of agree with you. I don't expect anything from the couple. I'm grateful to just be there.
FI and his mom worked things out and we're back to having just the wedding party and their guests, parents and grandparents. FMIL is coming (she apparently was just being stubborn) and her mom is coming as well.
I think you should decline any financial help for the RD and be able to invite who you want, this is important to you. And I agree with the above poster about her being very inappropriate emailing you something like that. Ask your FI to call her to sort it out and ask that she not attack you over emails again.
Oh man, I am so sorry! We have about 90% of our 200 guests coming from out of town and are only having wedding party and immediate family for the RD. We presented it to our families (who are paying) by saying we would get together with everyone who is in town for an informal gathering at our favorite bar/grill in town afterward. No cost to us, and everyone who isn't going to the RD can eat dinner at the bar/grille while we are at the RD. I've seen this at a bunch of weddings recently.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| LammChop | 17 |
| fivemonthsnotice | 17 |
| Lyndzo | 15 |
| Mrs. Chai | 14 |
| ticatica | 14 |
| beargoose | 12 |
| MissPumpkinPie | 12 |
| BellaDee | 12 |
| Ms. Salamander | 12 |
| MrsOliveBird | 11 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Hippos | 1 |
| rangersbride | 1 |
FI has insisted all along that he only wants the wedding party, parents and grandparents at the rehearsal dinner (it's semi-destination, so everyone is travelling). FMIL wants to invite her aunt and uncle, her cousin, her sister and her family, and now her friends from VA. FI is still saying no way. This is the email I just got from her about it.
Then he can call my mother and explain why my sister can't come. I am done with this BS. WE will just write you the check and you two do whatever you want including flying to VEGAS!! So done!and yes I am mad we are paying for this and should have some say! I thought we had settled the aunt and uncle thing!baaaaatell [FI] if he wants to talk about this he can CALL ME and yes missy you can go ahead and call me names behind my back
How the heck do I respond to that???