Post # 1
My FMIL has decided that “we” want lots of specifics for the wedding. She said we so many times in one conversation I was tempted to ask if she had a mouse in her pocket. She claims that she just wants to be helpful and obviously all decisions are up to me, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t offer her opinion on EVERYTHING!!!! What about these flowers? We really like them. You’re going to say traditional vows, right. We would be more comfortable with that. Who??? You and the mouse???
The icing on the cake was today when she stopped by the house at 8:30 in the morning (her, FI, and I are all teachers so no one was working today). He was just getting up to go to graduate class and I was cleaning the kitchen in my pjs. She wanted to let know she found some great dresses on certain sites and why don’t we pull them up online and look at them. After she left, I said I thought that a stop-by at that time is ridiculous. My FI didn’t know what the big deal is.
I know my FI needs to take a stand and tell her to step back. Easier said than done. Any recommendations on how to get him to see that she’s going to drive me insane?? I want to nip it in the bud now before it gets completely out of control.
Post # 3
Hmm, maybe turn it around and ask how he’d feel if one of your parents were to stop by (without calling first) at 8:30 in the morning? Or if this was a different decision (like buying a house) and your mother constantly butted in with her opinions?
I’m sure he’s just used to it coming from his mother so he has a hard time seeing it from your point of view.
Post # 4
Whenever she (and the mouse) give you a suggestion, you smile sweetley and say, “okay, thank you for that opinion, we’ll keep that in mind.” Maybe she just needs to feel heard? I’m not sure if you guys have booked anything yet but you will find out then how far she wants her ideas to go.
Or you could have FI (not you, it’s his mom) sit her down and explain to her that the two of you (bride and FI) are looking forward to the planning and will certainly keep her in the loop but that ultimately it is your decision.
Welcome to wedding planning – everyone loves to share their opinion.
Post # 5
Since they are only opinions at this time I wouldnt have FI say anything yet. I would just indulge her opinions and listen and then say “Thanks for your opinion, FI and I will be discussing the options later”
If the 8:30 stop by isnt a regular habit, I wouldnt worry about it. If it is then you need to ask FI that even though he doesnt think its a problem, you would at least like a call before she stops by if its before 10:00 in the morning. It makes you feel umcomfortable.
Post # 6
Sounds like she is really excited for the wedding. At least she has an interest, my FMIL is hardly involved. But I agree with pp’s, thank her for her opinions, emphasizing the opinion part. As for the stopping by at 830 am, laugh about it, like, “Wow, FMIL, you are so excited about the wedding you just had to tell me SO EARLY! Lol, next time give me a call, ‘kay?”
Post # 7
At best, she’s just excited, and at worst, she’s trying to control your wedding for whatever reason…in either case, she’s definitely overstepping boundaries.
I would be honest with her in the moment. For example, if she says, “You’re saying traditional vows, right? We’d be more comfortable with that,” I’d just respond by telling her that it’s important to you that you and FI discuss the vows together. Or that there’s [blank] aspect about the traditional vows that you don’t like for [blank blank] reason.
I’d just try to be straightforward without being rude. Avoid passive-aggressiveness–I think it’ll only make you crazy, and it won’t do anything to remind her that the important decisions here need to be made by YOU and FI.
Post # 8
Thanks for all the great advice!! So far she has just been voicing her opinion, though loudly at some points. And I will absolutely use the suggestion about mentioning that she call first. That should help with that problem.
@stillme: I think you have a great point about avoiding being passive-agressive. That’s usually how I handle her and it only ends up with me frustrated. If I’m more straightforward without being rude, I’ll feel better about the conversations.
Post # 9
I can def commiserate. It wont get any better, everytime I spend time with the Inlaws I feel like I’m living in an episodeo f Everybody Loves Raymond.
They stayed with us at our new house this weekend (vom) and I woke up at 7:30 to find his dad sweeping the kitchen and his mom scrubbing the toilet—while in her nightgown. WTF. blagh.
Post # 10
I think shes just excited about your wedding and wants to offer her opinion. Its not like shes forcing you to do anything. Grin and bear it.
Post # 11
The process of a wedding is really about setting boundaries that establish you and your FI as a new family unit separate from the parents. This would be a good time to get some practice in boundary-building…
Post # 12
I’m sorry but your mention of the mouse is too cute.
Ok, if my MIL showed up at 8:30 am on my day off, my hubby would never hear the end of it. I hope she at least called first?
As for the wedding, sure, she might be excited, but like you said who is “we?” The only we involved in decision making here is you and your fiance.
I like the turning the tables trick. I do that. “What if MY family showed up on Saturday at 7:30 am while you want to sleep in just to tell us we HAD to have this kind of liquor at the wedding?”
If he says “I wouldn’t care”, I think he’d be lieing. Hope your FI starts to help you with this soon.
Post # 13
yeah….that’s annoying! but as someone else pointed out at least she’s into it…my FMIL only talks about what she doesn’t like about the wedding.. but in a really passive agressive tone like ” oh…you don’t want a pouffy wedding dress…oh (face of huge disapointment) i like big ones..(looking for me to agree)… (my face stays the same)…i like big ones… (again no response from me), i guess we’ll see”
i agree that you could just say soemthing like ” thanks, yeah maybe, we still have to decide” and then just make sure you book things on your own (you and FI) and tell her AFTER it’s booked with tons of excitment. like i did with the date…that was a huge disaster when i let people chime in, so FI and i picked, booked it and THEN said to her with big exictement and smiles “we booked the date!!! yay!!’ at that point she couldn’t comment, it was done and i was happy so she just has to live with it!
@fiver: i know!!!!! my FMIL does the same thing when they stay at our place!!! WTF is that??? what are you saying ym floors are so dirty that you couldn’t live like this without cleaning it?? and do i go to your house and rearrange your cabinets??!! (yes she actually did that to me…TWICE!!!)
Post # 14
@fiver: I ALWAYS feel like Everybody Loves Raymond when it comes to her. At her 8:30 unannounced visit this morning it was, “Oh. Did you know there’s a pot in the sink? You must have been too busy to finish the dishes last night.” No, I didn’t know the pot was there. It must have magically appeared.
We briefly discussed it when FI came home for lunch. I simply said if it happened again one of two things would need to happen. 1. He would have to explain that she has call before coming over. It’s only common courtesy. or 2. We would never, ever, ever have sex again in the morning or afternoon (jokingly). I think I got my point across. 🙂