Post # 1
My fmil has always been so good to me. She is more of a quiet person so she has always kept to herself for the most part. Just recently my fi slipped up big time and told me his mother had called my family cheap because they aren’t paying for the entire wedding. I know this sounds so petty, but it seriously hurt my feelings and I took it very personal. My family has worked so hard for everything we have. My family has forgiven my car debt that I still owed for one of my wedding gifts. They have also paid for a portion of my dress and our engaged encounter that is required for our church. My fi and I are fully capable adults and can pay for the wedding ourselves. I don’t feel it is either of our parents responsibility to pay for the wedding, but I found it incredibly rude that she made the comment when she has not pitched in for one single thing…(and has yet to even offer for anything) I want to love my fmil because other than this incident she has always been great, but this is one of those things I have been having trouble looking past and forgetting about… I get very defensive when my family is talked about.. Especially when they are being called cheap for not following a stupid tradition… I am just hoping I am not getting a glimpse in to her true colors… Any thoughts???
Post # 3
I am sorry you are having to go through this, but you might want to have your FI have a talk with her. It is no longer tradition that the bride’s family pay for everything, and especially with the way the economy is now. Most couples are opting to pay for their weddings themselves and if they are not, then both sets of parents contribute as they are able to. The trend now is for all parties to share in the expense. The tradition of the bride’s parents only paying for the wedding was in a time of arranged marriages; kind of like a dowry.
Post # 4
Well, I have been in a smiliar situation and my first reaction is how did your FI respond? When we were planning our wedding (which we paid for by ourselves) my husband’s father made a comment to him the “traditionally the birdes parents pay for the wedding” and he wasn’t sure why that wasn’t happening. I mean- besides the fact that this was my SECOND wedding and my husband and I make a lot of money and can pay for it ourselves, (oh and you never offered to even pay for a rehersal dinner)- it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! But, my husband set him straight really quick- and it was never brought up again.
I don’t think I would take this as a bad omen for your future relationship with your FMIL. She may have been raised with differnet expectations, and may be horrified to know that your FI even mentioned it to you. I think you should let it go – people say dumb things sometimes.
Post # 5
I am surprised that your fiance would tell you that at all. What does it accomplish besides hurt feelings and unneeded drama during an already stressful time?
From someone who has experienced this: speak up (nicely) now. I sat through 2 years of passive aggressive remarks and comments behind my back about how my parents “spoil” me (they think sending a child to college is spoiling them, apparently) and I ended completely blowing up one day. It wasn’t pretty and it almost caused a major rift. There’s nothing wrong with saying “I love my parents and they are helping me a lot, but I don’t expect them to shoulder the entire cost of my decision to get married. If you aren’t comfortable contributing financially however, I completely understand and respect your decision.”
I had several such talks with my MIL like that and the message was always the same: I’m being nice and smiling right now, but the ball is in your court, stop talking about my parents thanks 🙂
Post # 6
Ouch. That would have hurt. Dad didn’t tell me he was contributing at all to my wedding until recently. (We had a quick engagement, and I think he wanted to make sure…) My mom helped, and FH’s family offered to do the rehearsal dinner, and the rest was on us. I figured dad would just give a generous gift at the end.
My FH and I had a lot of time to think about what we wanted, it helped us stay in budget, and start financially planning together. We’re both adults, so it made sense that our families shouldn’t have to foot the cost.
I would say something next time you’re all talking about weddings and costs (say you are talking about the venue) and say something about how it feels good to not shoulder the cost on your family or something. Or get your FH to say something to his family about not expecting people to contribute to your adult decision to get married.
Post # 7
Is she a very traditional woman? Does she think you or your fiance are going to have a hard time paying for the wedding? Perhaps she meant it in your favor..?
I’m sorry you’re hurt, I would be too. It’s always hard to let things like that go because you don’t know the true depth of the meaning, how it was brought up, why it was brought up, etc.
DF’s bio mom hasn’t offered to pay for anything but will be playing our ceremony music 🙂 His dad and step-mom are paying for our honeymoon, a lunch rehearsel and co-hosting a shower with my parents. My parets bought my dress and are paying for food. My fiance and I paid for the D.J, hair/makeup and will pay the bar tab day of.
Honestly I prefer it being a joint effort, makes me feel loved 🙂
Post # 8
I think your Fi should send her some links on who pays for what at weddings, and let her see and try and understand how much things have changed. The expectation for the bride’s parent ‘s paying is still pretty widespread, and not just among parents. Many brides feel like it’s their responsibility to do so too, and expect it.
My brother and SIL still think that’s the way it should be too, and the days of them saying how happy they are that they have sons has recently changed, when they were asked to contribute to one son’s wedding by the MOB and MOG. They are helping now, but they never expected to have to do it, so maybe she just needs to be a bit more educated.
I’d try and let it go if you can. Best of luck.
Post # 9
@noritake22: FI brought it up on complete accident…We were laughing and joking about his mom always reuses plastic baggies and it came out like this… “I can’t believe my mom has the nerve to call your mom cheap when she reuses the plastic bags!” He caught what he said right after he said it… (I could tell by the horrified look on his face)…As soon as it came out of his mouth I was all over it. He then reluctantly told me the context it was used in after I bugged him about it for a good 15 minutes…
This part kinda makes me laugh because how absolutly dense my fi can be about some things.. I would have never let this slip but leave it to my FI to do it..
Post # 10
I know it’s hard, but don’t take it too seriously. As some of the PPs point out, she is probably just very traditional and doesn’t realize it’s not always expected these days. You and/or your FI might try to find opportunities to explain this to her as you plan the wedding, but I wouldn’t assume this is a sign of her “true colors” if she is otherwise very nice to you. I would give her the benefit of the doubt until and unless it becomes a pattern.
In the meantime, read this thread if you want to see what nasty MILs are REALLY like – I guarantee you’ll feel a million times better!
Things your FMIL/MIL shouldn’t say to you