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I don't think that there is anything you can do. Does his father know why she is acting this way? It sounds completely crazy to me. I do suggest that he move out of the house as soon as he can so she stops opening his mail and going through his things.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. :(
It would be really hard, but do you think she would accept if you asked her to go to coffee or something and just were really blunt with her? About how her behavior is hurting you and hurting her son, and the fact that you will be getting married whether or not she accepts it, but for the sake of family and your FI's love of her, you would both much prefer that she accept it. Stress that you would like to have a relationship with her, but that it's a two way street and she needs to make an effort as well. And let her know that her behavior has been entirely unacceptable, and will not be tolerated in the future.
Rough, and you would need to be a very strong woman to get through that all maturely and without crying/screaming, but she might need a sharp dose of reality and to know that her emotional manipulation is not going to work.
@daydreamwanderer
I definitely want to approach her, but I'm afraid I'll do more harm than good. So far, when my FI talks to her she turns on the mad water works, and plays victim. I suppose I could try. Can't really do more damage than has already been done, right?
You think I should invite her to coffee or lunch or something first?
Here's my advice, and it comes from 35 years of living what you are now experiencing, but with my FIL.
Your FMIlL will probably not change. No matter what you do, it will never be "good enough." Look at the constant negative treatment of your FI.
Try to maintain a cordial/close relationship with FFIL. Distance yourself from FMIL but be civil. Realize that some people can't think beyond themself and you must protect yourself from those people. (Not all women are mother material.) You and your FI must show a united front and support each other.
People rarely change when they are negative and nasty like this. Distance yourself and create your own support system from close friends and other family members. You deserve it.
@sudslover: Thank you very much. I was afraid of that, but it makes total sense. I'm worried about my FI at this point. It's going to take alot for him to get past all of this.
Yes, I agree with sudslover. And I don't think you can do anything at all except for support your husband and stay far away from her. Some people won't like you, and probably don't like anyone, including themselves. Learn how to be ok with that and try and let it go, knowing it has NOTHING to do with you or your FI. Sounds like she just has issues, very manipulative, and probably just jealous ad insecure IMO.
I agree w/ DanielleZara: you have to learn this has nothing to do with you or him, they are the ones w/ the problem.
I am in a similar position w/ my in-laws. My husband doesn't feel love from his parents, and hasn't his whole life.
My husband says he has an “abused puppy syndrome” his parents never abused him physically, but emotionally they shut him out. One thing I have struggled with is the fine line of when I’m frustrated w/ his parents and not expressing it to him. No matter what my husband yearns for love from his parents, and even though he agrees with me, it hurts him when I may something negative about his parents to him or our friends. So I vent in private :)
I am so proud of my husband, that he hasn’t let his parents manipulate him, he stands by my side and refuses to let his parents disrespect me. He tells me not to feel bad about the way his parents are cold to me, because they are cold to him too.
I struggle with wanting to ring his parents neck sometimes because of the way they treat him, its like they don’t’ realize when they are hurting their son. For example: they wanted to leave our wedding early!!! Nobody was sick, they had the next day off from work and they wanted to leave their son’s wedding early!! And I’ll never forget my husbands face when they walked up and said “hey, we’re taking off.” My husband basically guilted them into staying just 1 more hour to watch our send off, and instead of mingling, they went into the other room to watch baseball. My husband was so hurt, and its rude things they do like that they tear at my husband. He is so wonderful and I wish they treated him the way he deserves.
Yeah I think it's hard with parents and in-laws. You want them so bad to accept you because 1) they're your family and you'll always have them around and you want that bond with them and 2) you know they won't change unless they CHOOSE to but you can't help but hope that they will.
My Dad NEVER calls me, and I just have to accept that that's the way he is. I can't expect more from him when he's never gonna change. My husbnad's father didn't show up to our wedding (he travels back and forth from mexico) because he didn't want to "leave his house" but I know that he's not all there. STILL, it hurts. I hope that you can somehow find peace in this situation. As for us, we just kept having a good wedding day, and didn't let anything else get in our way :) Don't let others bring you down, even when you WANT to feel defeated.
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I love my fiance. There is not a thing in the world I want more than to have a good relationship the way he does with my family. However, when we told his parents we were getting married, I was told flat out that I wasn't good enough, it was the worst mistake of his life, and it all came from his mother. Since then, his father has tried to get closer to me - and it's been working. However, my FMIL has made no attempts. I tried to talk to her, understand her, and even though my fiance has told me how much her actions are unexcusable - I have actually made excuses for her.
However, when she forgot my fiance's birthday, called him and cursed him out for purchasing a new bed for our soon-to-be apartment ( she opened his mail ), I stepped up and took care of him. I held him while he was bawling over the years of disregard.
She refuses to believe we are getting married April 23rd 2011, and she consistantly makes horrible comments about/to me. My fiance and his father are trying to difuse the situations, but I can only keep my mouth shut so much.
I've tried so very hard to understand, and create a relationship. What else can I do? Help!