Post # 1
So I thought I would be able to make it until 2014 without any more crap from FBIL but apparently not.
When FI and I got engaged over the summer, his parents threw us a small engagement party (nothing fancy – just beer/wine and grilling out at their apartment, think backyard BBQ type thing only in NYC). FBIL just got engaged and now he is asking FMIL when they are throwing their engagement party. She said she would prefer to wait until the weather gets a bit nicer since they would be using the outdoor space and FBIL basically said no, I don’t want to wait, FI didn’t have to wait. He wants them to basically rent out a room at some swank lounge with bottle service and all that crap. His excuse is that the party should be soon because they threw our party within a month of our engagement and that means they have to do it somewhere else, but I think that might be BS.
Anyway, now FMIL is having a meltdown because what FBIL wants is really effing expensive and they are going to be stretched pretty thin with two weddings (FBIL’s being a DW in Hawaii). FMIL and FFIL are hosting our rehearsal dinner but we are covering the vast majority of the wedding ourselves, but I really hate to see them stressed about money when technically we could pay for the RD ourselves. When they offered we said that they absolutely did not have to but they insisted because they wanted to, but if it is going to turn into a thing now, should we just pay for it ourselves?
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to contribute to any money stress in their family but at the same time FI thinks that they might be insulted if we offer to pay for the RD to sort of ease the burden. WWYD?
Post # 3
@flapperphilosopher: Yikes, I’d sit this one out and just let them make the arrangements. Don’t stress yourself out over this, it’s their responsibility to put their foot done on their immature/money hungry son.
If they host the swank party, that was there decision. Just as they have already decided to host your rehearsal dinner.
Post # 4
@flapperphilosopher: I would stay out of the situation till you see how it plays out. FMIL and FFIL are adults. They can stand up to FBIL and hold the engagement party when they choose. I don’t think you need to own any of this.
Sit back, wait, see what happens. If FIL’s let FBIL bully them into an expensive engagement party, you and FI can together decide if you want to change plans re the RD.
Post # 5
@flapperphilosopher: I don’t see why you shouldn’t accept their previous offer just because FBIL is obviously making a ridiculous request. It’s up your ILs to say no to him! It’s their money, their budget, and their decision. Now it’s possible that ILs will come to you to discuss what they can realistically contribute to your wedding/rehearsal dinner in light of FBILs expensive tastes. In that case, be kind and gracious and understanding. But it’s not your responsibility to initiate a change in your plans based on FBIL.
Post # 6
I think your FBIL sounds like a whiney douchelord, and someone needs to tell him to grow the eff up.
Between this and the proposal thread…i just can’t.
Post # 7
@flapperphilosopher: This sounds like a problem between your FIMIL and the Brother. I think you and FI should stay out of it, but if asked be prepared to compromise on the RD or pay for it. I think you should let them come to you, and not involve yourselves.
Post # 8
@julies1949: +1 Definitely agree – I’d let them try to work it out on their own and steer clear of it for as long as possible. Once FBIL’s plans are set you could reconsider the rehearsal dinner. Best of luck to you!
Post # 9
I suppose should add that FMIL said they will probably just do what FBIL wants (although no specific arrangements have been made). So the swank engagement party is like 99% happening.
Post # 10
i think your in laws finances are their concern. they offered a gift, you graciously accepted… leave it at that. they need to figure the rest out themselves.
Post # 11
I would leave the offer on the table that if it’s too much for them, you guys can pay for the RD. BUT I would leave it to your FI to make the offer, since it’s his family.
Post # 12
@flapperphilosopher: ugh that’s annoying :-/
Post # 13
The only problem with waiting for them to come to us is that if we pay for the RD, we have to add that to the budget now and adjust our saving/spending accordingly. And I would stay out of if completely but it does affect my finances so it is my business. FI was the one who first brought up us paying for the RD (even though he is 50/50 on how they would react) because he was the one on the phone with FMIL during her meltdown.
Post # 14
@flapperphilosopher: your MIL needs to say “here is what we spent on your brother’s engagement party. We will happily spend the same on your party.” And that should be the end of that discussion. Your FBIL sucks! I predict this is an indicator of things to come…
Post # 15
Just stay out of this and let them do what they want to do. If they’re going to pay for the dinner, let them pay for it. It’s their son who’s being a brat, they can deal with him themselves.
Post # 16
your FI should have a talk with his parents and ask if the financial burden will be too much for them to pay for the RD.
then you will have your answer.
or you can wait for them to bring it up. but if they said they would pay it, then they probably will.