FMIL insists on meeting FH alone….

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Should I go to the dinner?
    Yes : (57 votes)
    46 %
    No : (67 votes)
    54 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    9137 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    @Redholix:  It sounds like your FH is locked into his position that you are getting amrried and his family has to deal with it.  My guess is that FMIL wants to have one last private conversation to try to talk him out of it.  I think your FH’s behavior shows that he will defend you to his mother and that this final one-on-one conversation will likely be the end of it before the wedding.  I would let him go alone and get this confrontation over with.

    Post # 4
    Member
    1167 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @Redholix:  I would go with him.

    He’s right in that a united front is the only way to tackle this. Imagine two parents teaching their child. They always say united front, or they will pick at one at a time! She will shred him and its really not fair to him, especially because HE WANTS you there, that says everything to me!

    She doesn’t sound like she has changed, is this not what she did before? Insisting he come alone so she can talk (read: shred to bits and demoralise and control) to him… Sounds like she is just mad that she can’t control her son and that you are getting in the way of her breaking you apart!

    Go, present one front because you ARE one social unit and she needs to learn that.

    Good luck op, remember the worst she can do is boycot your wedding = less stress for you!

    Post # 5
    Member
    8426 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    @Redholix:  I think your FI needs to say it’s either both of you, or he’s never meeting her.  Your FMIL sounds like a nutcase.  Regardless, I think it’s best for you as a couple to deal with this together.  Your FMIL needs to respect her son’s decisions.  Sorry you’re dealing with this.  *HUGS*

    Post # 6
    Member
    721 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2004

    I absolutely think you should go.The fact that she wants to exclude you all the time is pretty shitty.  He’s right, you are a united front. Who cares if she wants to see him alone. You have every right to go. Good luck! 🙂

    Post # 7
    Member
    11668 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Just because you’re a couple doesn’t mean he can’t spend time alone with his family. I absolutely wouldn’t go especially given the history.

    Post # 8
    Member
    3199 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @Redholix:  ok so obviously your FMIL is pissed about ‘losing’ her son and is extremely jealous of your relationship.

    at least, that’s how your post reads to me. my FMIL was this way for the first couple of years of our relationship, but has slowly gotten over it.

    my solution would be for him to write them back a logically- and not emotionally – written email, telling them that he has chosen you as his partner for life, and that they can either support or not support his decision. if they choose to not support his decision and cannot speak to the both of you in a cordial manner and calm setting, then he would prefer that they not come to the wedding at all. he can explain to them all the positive benefits of your relationship, etc., but truly, unless you’ve turned him into a druggie male prostitute, he doesn’t have to explain himself. he’s a grown man.

    don’t let it get to you. to me, it truly sounds like a case of shallow jealousy and his mother wanting to pick his mate for him or have him without a mate at all. she sounds like a mess.

    Post # 9
    Member
    1242 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand

    I feel that because this is his family and he is asking for support, this is one of those situations where you should defer to his wishes and accompany him. If you don’t go and somehow it comes up that you refused, that’s one more thing she has against you. He needs you to be there and I think regardless of what she says/does, it’s another way to show you’re not going anywhere. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    846 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    I would go. Y’all need to stay as a united front and eventually, she will hopefully accept that y’all can’t be separated.

    Also, I want to say, I think it’s really great that your FI is standing by you and refuses to do family stuff without you. I see too many posts on this site about women being upset with their SO for not standing up to his family. 

    The great thing is, your FI is putting YOU first! That’s exactly what should happen 🙂

    Post # 11
    Member
    2696 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @Redholix: I think you should go with and I absolutely 100% agree with your FI on being a united front. It’s not like you are trying to keep him from his family, he wants you to go.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1887 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @Redholix:  I would not go.  I’d let them have their one last talk alone.  It sounds like they have serious issues to work out and that he will defend you.  By going you almost feed into their game and drama.  I’d stay out of their family drama as much as possible rather than stir it up more.  Your fiancé sounds like he will have your best interests at heart and I can’t see a single benefit to you going.  What good will it accomplish?  If you two are united, you both know that, and he defends you as such, who cares what they think?  I don’t think there is anything wrong with a person visiting their parents on their own.  I think if you go that you may feed into the trouble and be treated poorly.  What good will come from that?  Let them have their silly fight and talk, and go get a pedicure, relax, and have a nice night instead. Once you are married then you can go even when uninvited and deal with the nonsense.  There is no need for the chaos now. 

     

    Post # 13
    Member
    3721 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I would go but have an agreement with FH that when she starts in on you, or on him, and won’t listen or be civil, that you get up and walk out.

    I would also try to make the dinner in a public place – restaurant – so that it can’t get too load and abusive

    Post # 14
    Member
    2299 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I would absolutely not go, but then, I’m not one to go where I’m not wanted. If it were me, I’d encourage my FI to go alone and hear them out, because I trust that he would be my defender and not be swayed by any BS the in-laws spew out.

    Post # 15
    Member
    18 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    I agree with Glasgowbound, could you have the dinner at a restaurant so it’s out in public and ‘neutral’ grounds?  I’m so sorry you guys have to deal with this, I kinda doubt that even with him not speaking to them for months that they’ve had a change of heart, unfortunately.  Good luck!

    Post # 16
    Member
    1361 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    I get the feeling that what happens next is going to define your future relationship- he’s set boundaries and now you guys need to let her know that those boundaries are here to stay or she’ll keep trying to walk all over you. 

    I would go with him, if it were me, if he wanted me to (and it sounds like he does want you there). 

    I think he just needs to come right out and say “No, I won’t be meeting you alone, Redholix and I are getting married and I know that when you ask to meet me alone, it’s because you want to undermine our relationship and I don’t appreciate it. We will come and visit you together or not at all.”

    Then if she is a bitch while you’re visiting, I’d tell her where to go. 

    Sounds like your FI has your back! It’s nice to read a post like this one, rather than one about how he won’t stick up for you 🙂 

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