- 4 years ago
- Wedding: January 2014
I am in a bit of dilemma, and wanted to seek some advice.
I have continuing issues with my FILs at the moment (see: http://tinyurl.com/pok89ek), and I expect to have many more issues with them in the future.
Short Summary: FMIL insists that FH comes to the dinner by himself, without me tomorrow – which has been an on-going patter. I had previous traumatizing experience with the FILs, so a part of me does not want to go and deal with her, but FH wants me to come with him – and by all means, I would like to support my partner. But I’m debating on the benefits of each situation.
My FH cut off all communications with family since May of this year, because he could not handle or resolve the offensive negativity from his family regarding our relationship and marriage. He basically have been ignoring all phone calls and emails. He hasn’t visited his parents since May either.
However, when we sent out wedding invitations in early September, FH expressed that he still would like his parents to come to the wedding if possible. I suggested that he write a letter to them, so he included a hand written card with the invitation, expressing his regrets in the current situation and that he would still like for them to come to the wedding if possibe – and to give us addresses of the relatives in the U.S. so we can send them invitations as well.
FMIL sent ane mail to my FH saying that she received the invitation and that she wants to talk with him. Alone. FH was extremely disappointed in that the FMIL excluded me again, and replied to her email saying that he will meet her, but with me. She replied back, insisting that he come alone.
Here’s the dilemma I’m having in my mind.
FMIL never extended me an invitation to anything, whether it’s a holiday or family event. FH didn’t care, and brought me along anyways. However, she did ask multiple times for my FH to visit her alone, without me. Every time FH went home, they had a huge argument about our relationship, about me, etc.
Back in March, when we just got engaged and FH told his parents that we would like to drop by to say hi as an engaged couple, FMIL told FH to come alone because they had to “talk”. FH said no, we are engaged – said that he is sick and tired of his parents not seeing us as a single unit. FMIL and FH had huge argument over the phone (as usual), FH yelled that we are coming together before hanging up – and we went together. The experience was nightmareish (as you can read about in my previous post). After that visit, I had constant nightmares about my FILs (mostly FMIL), heard FMIL’s voice ringing in my head, and started to have panic attack whenever anyone mentioned my FILs.
I honestly don’t want to go through that traumatizing experience again. Who does?
But my poor FH does not want to see his mother by himself, primarily because he is aware of what will happen if and when he does – she’ll yell at him, demoralize him, and shred him to pieces after cursing me off. He also wants to be consistant with the “united front” behavior, and want to show his parents that he cannot be told what to do and that they cannot separate us.
I really don’t know what to do.
I have been simulating the dinner with the FMIL in my head many many times, and each scene gets worse and worse. But I do not want FH to go through it by himself (he obviously went through a lot alone while we were dating – I got to see what he was going through that one night I visited after getting engaged, and I just couldn’t imagine how he managed to remain sane through it!)
But a part of me also thinks that it may be more logical for FH to meet his mom alone this time – maybe she changed a bit while the communication was shut off the past 4 months. Maybe she has finally accepted the fact that the wedding is happening no matter what. Maybe my being there will ruin the silver lining of recovery. I don’t know.
Ignoring and not facing the FMIL is not an option, since we extended an invitation to them. If we refuse to meet her, then that means we lied to them about wanting them to be at the wedding – and I don’t want to fall back on our words.
Dinner has been scheduled for tomrorow. Last email was from FMIL that she wants to talk to FH alone. FH is planning on just showing up with me. What should I do???
EDIT: To clarify, she asked him to come to a diner, not her home.