(Closed) FMIL insulted my entire Family…. need some help (long)

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I know you were hoping for suggestions for what to write (and I haven’t read any of your other posts) but I think it would be better if you didn’t send it.  I have an awesome relationship with my MIL but I never called her mom or sent her a mothers day card until we got married.  I’m not sure she will like your card very much and may just add some fuel to the fire.

If you do decide to send it anyways you can keep it short.  i.e. I can’t wait to marry your son!  Something like that.

Post # 5
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’d just say, “Happy Mother’s Day! Hope you have a wonderful day!”  Sincerely, X.  I’d be tempted to write, “…from one mother to another…” but that probably wouldn’t go over well.  I love to THINK about snarkiness though. LOL

You could write something like, “Happy Mother’s day to the woman who gave birth to the most wonderful man in the world!” Not sure if she’d take that as snarky though.  Keep it simple.  You are sort of damned if you do damned if you don’t here, it seems.

Post # 7
Member
1325 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly, I wouldn’t bother. The reason is there is nothing you can do to make this woman act like a decent human being. You could be the sweetest best DIL EVER and she will still be a bitch. If SHE wants to come around SHE will when SHE is ready. So….why waste your energy? Don’t even bother with her. Seriously. It is exhausting trying to get people to like you and usually people who need the convincing wont ever like you.

You said you are trying to smooth over the conflict.Why? What did you do wrong? It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. You have nothing to make up to her.

Don’t deal with this woman. I personally would ignore her and carry on with your happiness. When around her, give a polite “Hello.” and then go mingle with other people. Really, you don’t need her.

Post # 8
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

@BackyardLoveBird:Oh I see.  I still think you are damned if you do or don’t as well. 🙂  But I don’t know her obviously.  How about “Happy Mother’s Day!  I hope the day is lovely and full of relaxation.”

Post # 9
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

what does FH say? is he supportive of your views? 

Post # 10
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Here’s my take:

You, your son, AND YOUR FI should sign THE SAME CARD.  

THIS might get the point across that you’re ALL going to be a family.  I might not be married to my FI, but his name goes on EVERYTHING, as well as his son from a previous marriage.  Ok, well, his son’s only goes on the major stuff like presents just to give the family appearance.  (for the record, my FI and step-son-to-be don’t really like my mom.  My dad is considered okay by my FI, though.)

I definitely would NOT send seperate cards because, to me, that would come across like you’re a divided family.  Or, he can give the card from him as a son, and you all STILL sign the generic card.

Just my opinion…..

Post # 11
Member
14317 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m totally with @Tunacupcakes.  You’ve done nothing wrong, why try so hard for approval and kindness from such an awful person.  I’d be courteous when I have to see her (which I would nope is not often) but not waste any effort and go out of my way to have a relationship with someone that obviously doesnt care to. 

Post # 12
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@Zinzerena: <– this advice is bang on!

Do not send separate cards. Just because you are not married doesn’t mean you are not one family. You already are a part of the family and much, MUCH closer to her now after being bethrothed to her son than she realizes.

EVERYONE SIGN THE SAME CARD PLEASE.

Post # 13
Member
7430 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

She was rude, if anyone should have confronted her it should be your FH. For her and your FSIL to act like that is disgusting. @Zinzerena: & @Tunacupcakes: are both right. Accept people for who they are, limit your time with them but keep it polite.

 

Post # 14
Member
2190 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I am so sorry. Yuck. What a nasty lady.

I would just write something simple and nice, like “I hope you enjoy your mothers day. Looking forward to calling you my mother-in-law”, kill her with kindness. It can’t make things any worse.

Post # 15
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

You must get your FH to take the lead on dealing with this terrible, potentially family-destroying situation. As her adult son, he has a lot of power over her. He has a powerful negotiating card: his presence in her life. There’s really no more you can do – signing a mother’s day card is sweet, but it’s not going to change anything. The ball is solidly in his court. If he can’t get your back on this one, your relationship is in huge trouble. 

Post # 16
Member
5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

i agree with Beluga.  FH needs to step up and talk some sense into this lady.  It is HIS responsibility to do so.  If he doesn’t, his silence basically gives them the go ahead to treat you and your family this way. 

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