Post # 1
My bridal shower was two weeks ago. My entire side of the family sent in their RSVPS. our wedding is going to be smaller, but we made sure that invitations were sent to his Mother Sister Aunt and Sister in law. His SIL was the only one who called to rsvp and she rsvp’d no. Which was okay she was going to AZ to see her grandmother.
anyway, with out sending in an RSVP the three of them showed up. I was happy that they were able to make it and upon their arrival I tried to greet my FMIL with a hug… I wrapped my arms around there and she stood there like a board, she didn’t say a word didn’t return my friendly gesture she just stood there. The three of them then made their way to the back of the room in the furthest table away and sat there the entire time. No one ate, no one interacted, nothing. When I tried to introduce them to the rest of my family they didn’t acknowledge any one. At one point in the afternoon my grandmothers who are 75 and my aunt who is about the same age went over to talk to them and they were completely ignored as if they weren’t even there.
I was so mad. If any of you reading this have read my previous posts you know that I have had nothing but issues with her from the word go. For those of you who haven’t let me fill you in a little.
She hates that I have a child, and has said so. she is pissed that we aren’t getting married in church. we booked our hall and they pulled thier contribution on the wedding. they haven’t helped with a dime even though they said they would, then were pissed that we didnt’ put their names on the invitations saying that they were supporting our wedding. (my parents, who have no money did help, and they didn’t want their names mentioned because they said it wasn’t about them.) theres more but these are the highlights.
anyway, so after we do gifts they all get up and walk out. they didnt’ say good bye to any one. no thank you for inviting us, no have a good evening… nothing. not a word. they got up and they left. on the way out the door my dad (who had stopped in to eat food) cornered my FHs sister and told her to introduce him to her mother. That didnt’ go so well either. He told her that he was very proud to be bringing him into our family and that he raised a good man. Long story short my dad was pissed becuase she essentially wrote him off as well.
Now for the question, out of the goodness of my heart i have not said a word to my FMIL hoping that in time she will come around, even though she tells FH that she doesn’t believe that he is in love with me. She thinks that he is only here because of my son. I to this point have let him handle her and this issue. What would you do?
to try to smooth over the conflict I purchased a mothers day card that I am going to sign from myself and my son. FH got one for her too but that will be from just him. on the inside it says “through sometimes there are not words, the love is always there” I want to write something else on the inside to personalize it hoping that it will help the way she feels. I need some suggestions… because I am sure that “Hey Bi**h quit acting like a crazy person, your son loves me” probably won’t go over so well. lol
Post # 3
I know you were hoping for suggestions for what to write (and I haven’t read any of your other posts) but I think it would be better if you didn’t send it. I have an awesome relationship with my MIL but I never called her mom or sent her a mothers day card until we got married. I’m not sure she will like your card very much and may just add some fuel to the fire.
If you do decide to send it anyways you can keep it short. i.e. I can’t wait to marry your son! Something like that.
Post # 4
@Talishazwi: FH thought it was a good idea. Its not a “hey i’m calling you mom” kind of card. Its happy mothers day on a special day to celebrate moms. Its actually the same card I am sending to one of my ex- coworkers who is also a mother. Its probably as simple as it comes.
Post # 5
I’d just say, “Happy Mother’s Day! Hope you have a wonderful day!” Sincerely, X. I’d be tempted to write, “…from one mother to another…” but that probably wouldn’t go over well. I love to THINK about snarkiness though. LOL
You could write something like, “Happy Mother’s day to the woman who gave birth to the most wonderful man in the world!” Not sure if she’d take that as snarky though. Keep it simple. You are sort of damned if you do damned if you don’t here, it seems.
Post # 6
@BackyardLoveBird: good suggestions. Sometimes the snarky thoughts is what keeps me sane in the end…
Post # 7
Honestly, I wouldn’t bother. The reason is there is nothing you can do to make this woman act like a decent human being. You could be the sweetest best DIL EVER and she will still be a bitch. If SHE wants to come around SHE will when SHE is ready. So….why waste your energy? Don’t even bother with her. Seriously. It is exhausting trying to get people to like you and usually people who need the convincing wont ever like you.
You said you are trying to smooth over the conflict.Why? What did you do wrong? It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. You have nothing to make up to her.
Don’t deal with this woman. I personally would ignore her and carry on with your happiness. When around her, give a polite “Hello.” and then go mingle with other people. Really, you don’t need her.
Post # 8
@BackyardLoveBird:Oh I see. I still think you are damned if you do or don’t as well. 🙂 But I don’t know her obviously. How about “Happy Mother’s Day! I hope the day is lovely and full of relaxation.”
Post # 9
what does FH say? is he supportive of your views?
Post # 10
Here’s my take:
You, your son, AND YOUR FI should sign THE SAME CARD.
THIS might get the point across that you’re ALL going to be a family. I might not be married to my FI, but his name goes on EVERYTHING, as well as his son from a previous marriage. Ok, well, his son’s only goes on the major stuff like presents just to give the family appearance. (for the record, my FI and step-son-to-be don’t really like my mom. My dad is considered okay by my FI, though.)
I definitely would NOT send seperate cards because, to me, that would come across like you’re a divided family. Or, he can give the card from him as a son, and you all STILL sign the generic card.
Just my opinion…..
Post # 11
I’m totally with @Tunacupcakes. You’ve done nothing wrong, why try so hard for approval and kindness from such an awful person. I’d be courteous when I have to see her (which I would nope is not often) but not waste any effort and go out of my way to have a relationship with someone that obviously doesnt care to.
Post # 12
@Zinzerena: <– this advice is bang on!
Do not send separate cards. Just because you are not married doesn’t mean you are not one family. You already are a part of the family and much, MUCH closer to her now after being bethrothed to her son than she realizes.
EVERYONE SIGN THE SAME CARD PLEASE.
Post # 13
She was rude, if anyone should have confronted her it should be your FH. For her and your FSIL to act like that is disgusting. @Zinzerena: & @Tunacupcakes: are both right. Accept people for who they are, limit your time with them but keep it polite.
Post # 14
I am so sorry. Yuck. What a nasty lady.
I would just write something simple and nice, like “I hope you enjoy your mothers day. Looking forward to calling you my mother-in-law”, kill her with kindness. It can’t make things any worse.
Post # 15
You must get your FH to take the lead on dealing with this terrible, potentially family-destroying situation. As her adult son, he has a lot of power over her. He has a powerful negotiating card: his presence in her life. There’s really no more you can do – signing a mother’s day card is sweet, but it’s not going to change anything. The ball is solidly in his court. If he can’t get your back on this one, your relationship is in huge trouble.
Post # 16
i agree with Beluga. FH needs to step up and talk some sense into this lady. It is HIS responsibility to do so. If he doesn’t, his silence basically gives them the go ahead to treat you and your family this way.