(Closed) FMIL Irritation…This is super long (sorry!)

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Luckily for me, my mother-in-law is great and is not so demanding.  If you care about her but it’s driving you crazy, I think you really need to sit down with her and tell her how you feel.  She really needs to understand how she make you feel when she does these things.  More than likely, she is a woman of an older age and older people tend to get stuck in their ways.  But I think you need to sit down with her and draw the line.  I think your husband should step up to defend you more too and talk to his mom about her behavior during the wedding planning.  You guys have to remind her that although you are happy she is excited about the wedding and you want her to be a part of it, ultimately, it is YOUR wedding and you guys will make all the final decisions.  So if she doesn’t like something, she need to keep it to herself.  Negative reactions just isn’t necessary.  I think if you guys can make it clear to her and she really get it.  I think your relationship with your Mother-In-Law will get better.  Good luck with the wedding.

Post # 4
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

You need to be honest with her. When she replies “No” to something, you tell her, “Well, this is what I want for my wedding, and its already been finalized. I’m so excited, I think its going to be great!” Or something along those lines.

You really need to just tell her how you feel. I think its unfortunate that your Fiance and FFIl both accommodate her behavior.  But they can’t expect the same of you. Sit down and talk to your Fiance, and tell him you are going to be more direct with her, and he needs to back you up. Good luck! I’m sure she is going to be a handful once you tell her you are moving, but what a relief to get some space from her!

Post # 6
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Your Future Mother-In-Law has been conditioned to behave this way because you and Fiance have allowed this to go on. She has learned that if she calls 19 times, you will answer. She has learned that if she asks you over 4-5 times a week and insists on cocktails at 4pm and insists that we NEED to discuss seating (no you do NOT need to do that at her whim, the world will not end if you don’t discuss something on her schedule), you both will give in and do just that. If you love this woman, but you wanted to pull your hair out after the first dress shopping experience, why on earth invite her to next outing? Why do that to yourself?

It seems that you and Fiance are the ones that have no boundaries, too. If she has no boundaries and this is bugging you as much as it is, then it is up to you and Fiance to set boundaries.

Tell her your household will not accept calls on a Saturday morning until 10am. If there are any calls that come in earlier, they will go unanswered until 10am or whatever time you choose. If she still calls, disconnect the phone or turn it off until you are ready to accept calls. When she asks you two to come over 4-5 times a week, only come over one time in the week. If she asks why, be vague: “Oh, sweet Future Mother-In-Law, you know how it is, we just have tons to do!” and end the conversation or change the subject. If she asks for details on the wedding, tell her everything has been decided and then be really, really happy about how excited you are, it is a surprise, she’ll see the day of and won’t that be fun! The end.

Be polite, but firm.



Post # 8
7421 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Cornflakegirl: <100% what she said.

I’m dealing with this very moment (not with my Future Mother-In-Law, she’s fabulous) but with one of my sisters. She has always had issues with boundries. She seems to think that she can say anything to you (no matter how hurtful) and your supposed to take it, all under the guise of “she’s trying to help”. Sadly, our family has always made excuses for her and how we have to be the bigger people because she’s “not well”. It gets tired. Emotionally right now the last thing I need is her “crazy” ways interputing my life.

She does the same thing – calls repeatedly back -to- back about pure non important foolishness. Years ago I learned that voice mail is your friend. Use it screen her calls. if it is important she will leave a message.  I had to train my sister, for months she couldn’t get me live on the phone. Phone rings, even if I was available to talk I still sent her to voicemail. Then I’d return the call hours or even days later. If it wasn’t urgent so why shoudl I have to talk on YOUR schedule. I have a life, it doesn’t fit right now so I’ll get back to you when its convienent for me. She eventually learned she had to leave a message or she wouldn’t hear from me.

Thru the years I’ve learned other tactics to nip her nerousis in bud, but every once in while I slip up. During an emtional moment, this week infact, I played into her bullshit. I’ve had to regroup and reinsititute the my practices. I simply don’t answer her calls. I will reach out to her when I’m good and ready. I’ve told her that until she changes her behavior (which I know she wont’ but she needs to at least curb it a little) that we will not have a relationship. Just in the past few days she’s backed off little.


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