FMIL is inviting people without telling me! (VERY LONG…summary at the bottom)

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Pirouette7:  Where is your FI in all of this? I’m a firm believer in each person taking their own family in hand, if need be. Have him talk to your FMIL to make sure she isn’t inviting any more people. The people she already invited, are already invited. There’s not much you can do about them except for hope for “no” RSVPs. I hope your wedding turns out the way you want it to! Good luck!

Post # 3
Member
405 posts
Helper bee

Sorry, I only read the cliffnotes.  Anyways, you and your FI need to sit down and talk about this so that you two can become a united front.  Then, your FI can tell his or her mom that she only gets X amount of people to invite and that is it (or none at all, if that’s what you decide).  Put your foot down on this.  It is on her to apologize to these people for inviting them to someone else’s event (so rude of her).

Post # 4
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

I agree with Pirouette7. What does your FI have to say? I’m a firm believer that though you should provide a united front in any family discussions, each person should be the mouthpiece for any discussions regarding their own parents. he needs to be the one to deliver any message on this subject. I would have him talk to her about how disrespectful it was of her to just do whatever she wanted like that, but I would also ask her myself to nail down EXACTLY who she invited right away. you need to know for place cards, seating charts, etc. and the wedding planner needs to give your FMIL the estimate for how much additional money she will owe for her invites. 

Post # 5
Member
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

This is really unfortunate.  lesson to future brides- never ever let anybody else control send out invitations.  ever.  there’s no good that’ll come of it.

Post # 6
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

Is FMIL paying for the wedding? If not, this is really one where you need to put your foot down. Hopefully, she’ll be reasonable. (It’s possible she won’t – absurd guests lists are where all my problems started – but it’s worth it to be true to what YOU want for your wedding.) Either way, you and FI need to be a united front.

Post # 7
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

Shkragoldfish:  +1

Hindsight is 20/20, so nothing you can do about giving FMIL control of her invites.  I would get a list of everyone invited now so that you at least know the number.  Have your FI let his mother know that she cannot invite any more guests regardless of “No” RSVPs or what she is intending to pay for.  Also have him remind her that she is responible for the cost.  Finally have your FI explain why you are upset about this.  You spelled it out well in the second to last paragraph.  Or you can tell her yourself if you think it will be received ok.  

Post # 8
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I had a similar situation with my FMIL, she wanted to invite extra people that my FI and I didn’t necessarilly want to invite. We had an original guest list of 70 people and she agreed to pay for any additional guests over 70.  I was upset at first but then I cooled down and realized: it’s honestly not that big of a deal if extra people are at the wedding, and it’s not just MY day, it’s my FI’s day too. Those extra people your FMIL is inviting may have found memories of your FI and want to celebrate with him. As long as she is offering to pay for the extra people, it’s honestly not worth the heartache to fight with her over it. Just make sure you talk with her and get all the names of the people she has invited and give her a firm date for RSVPs.

Post # 9
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Pirouette7:  You need to have an honest talk with her. The whole “I’ll call people to confirm and let you know the count as it gets closer to the wedding” doesn’t work for you. You need to take back control of the situation and communicate how you want your wedding to go:

“MIL, I’m so glad that you are excited about our wedding and want to invite people to celebrate, but as you know, the guest count of 50 that we agreed upon has already been surpassed. Please do not continue to invite more people as that takes away from the intimate setting FI and I so desperately want for our wedding. It’s not about the money but the overall atmosphere we want to create. We need to know as of now how many people you have invited, how many have accepted and how many have yet to respond so we can get an accurate picture of the guest count.”

Post # 10
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Brussels, Belgium

I totally get where you’re coming from. I’m having a similar problem. FI and I decided on about 20 (only 5 are for me because it’s out of the country) and FMIL invited another 70 of her closest friends without telling us. All this a month before the wedding. What does FI think or have to say? Can he talk to her? It might not totally help, in my case FMIL yelled at my fiance for an hour about how he was being rude not inviting all those people and finally told him that unless we send them written letters about why each of them aren’t invited. He’s explained that we wanted small because my family can’t really be there, it’s another culture, in another language and I wouldn’t know anyone (which seems to be what you’re facing). She said she doesn’t care. Sorry for venting I just fell like we’re going through such a similar thing!

If you haven’t already talked to your fiance see what he has to say and have him talk to his mom. Otherwise what my mom said to do is just deal with it and find little moments in the day to serve as happy memories because you don’t want to start a new marriage with everyone fighting. And if it doesn’t turn out the way you want, my mom said throw a smile on anyways because otherwise people who don’t know what’s going on will wonder you’re upset and not happy to be there.

Post # 11
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Brussels, Belgium

Shkragoldfish:  In general I agree, but from experience FMIL’s can make their own invitations without letting you know and leave you either stuck with more guests or telling people that they actually aren’t invited.

Post # 12
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

It seems like you allow your parents and in-laws to control your wedding choices too much. How did your parents cancel and sabotage your wedding? 

I agree with other Bees about being a united front and each of you handling your families. Wedding planning is an excellent opportunity to learn to assert your boundaries with family. My mother tried to use money to control my wedding, so we did what we could afford on our own at the time: Elope. 

Talk to your fiance. Let him know how much this situation is bothering you. 

Post # 13
Member
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

barrogten:  when parents might invite ppl on their own or make their own invites, I suggest nipping that in the bud by saying that you and your FI are the only ones setting the invite list and that someone (a bouncer or whoever) will be checking ppl’s names off of your list at the door, so if parents try to invite extra ppl who aren’t on your list, parents will be embarrassed because those ppl will be turned away at the door and unable to attend. 

id also let the parents know that if anyone just magically appears or gets told they’ll be invited who isn’t on the invite list, the parents will either need to explain that the person is not invited or the person will be turned away at the door. (This eliminates the whole problem fantastically.)

it might sound extreme, but whenever a couple has said this and meant it, you don’t even end up having to do it because the parents understand you mean business and that they can’t just push you around and invite whoever. And way more than wanting to invite everyone in the world, they really don’t want to be embarrassed or in an awkward situation. Don’t accept them trying to force you to invite ppl by parents already inviting on their own- say oh that’s really unfortunate because, as I told you months ago, the guest list is really limited and we aren’t inviting x so you’ll have to explain that or x will be turned away at the door.

Next thing you know, they’re asking you so nicely to see if certain ppl can please be added to the list or they’re making their own decisions abt who to prioritize asking you about and who to cut without even bugging you abt all the extra ppl first. 

if the cpl getting married is fully independent (at least regarding the wedding), strategize in advance, and are okay to draw boundaries with parents and maintain them, then couples can decide and maintain their own guest lists. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  Shkragoldfish.
Post # 14
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Brussels, Belgium

Shkragoldfish:  Thanks for those tips, I think they’re excellent and I’m going to pass them along to my fiance too! I’m hoping it all works out.

Post # 15
Member
3044 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Has your FMIL never been to a wedding. How does she NOT UNDERSTAND that preparations made for 20 just won’t work for 90 people?!

barrogten:  

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