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So sorry to hear what you are going through, unfortunately its a very common occurence especially when parent's want to share the special moment with the whole wide world and the Bride/Groom would prefer something more intimate. Is is possible to try to strike a middle ground, the idea of a post wedding BBQ sounds good to include everyone else, so what's wrong with that?
Also, if FMIL really wanted to include the extra people she should have been speaking $$ very early, but most people just don't realize that. We tried to have the "budget" talk with both sets of parents very eary on....and of course everyone said oh have it small, do what you want and kind oh hid away from offering money....fast forward to 2 1/2 months, then FMIL wants to add all of these people, but not its too late!
As much as this day is about you and fiance....it also means the world to our parents!
You and your FI are going to have to stick together on this one. Explain to her, as calmly as possible, all of the things you have stated. That, as a couple, you have decided that you want a smaller wedding and only plan on inviting those people who are closest...i.e parents. Explain that you are sorry this upsets her, but that's how it's going to be. Let her know that you only want one wedding ceremony and you don't plan on doing any other wedding ceremony activities that will take away from the original.
Maybe keeping things black and white could help the situation? We can afford X. X holds 10 people. If you want XYZABC and 100 people, we need to revisit the budget and group contributions. If we have this much $, we get married at X. I understand why she wants to have the family there, of course! But i think it's a little unfair for her to try and change everything when you are paying and cannot afford to. :(
I think a big issue is that they aren't contributing at all but yet want to invite all of these people. We really can't change venues because deposits have been made, contracts have been signed, etc (not to mention I am happy with how things are, and really am not concerned about whether she is or not - that ship has sailed). It's not even about affording to, although we are planning to have a smaller wedding and in making that sacrifice we are taking a nicer honeymoon and buying a house. It's about that we already had this talk with her and it's what we WANT and can afford. I think it's ridiciulously pushy, forward, and rude for her to be making these statements now - I understand that she wants to share this day with everybody... but the way she is treating it I feel like we are more of a circus attraction than a couple getting married. She keeps saying she wants to 'show us off.' I don't know - I guess I am more of a private person (we both are) and she is trying to make it like showing off a new puppy... it also doesn't help that my FI is trying to 'accomodate' her in every way that it doesn't 'hurt' us. I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous. This isn't about her. This is about us! (sorry if I come off short, this has just been weighing on me since last night and I'm frustrated). Sigh.
Bella
Well, you have your head on straight. I think that this is something that she's just going to have to personally work on. I think that her brothers and sisters would definitely understand. And if you're having a party afterward, then bravo! To me, it sounds like you have all your bases covered.
I think you have two big cards to play. The first is that she is not financially hosting the wedding. So she has NO right to invite ANYONE. Period. You can (generously) offer her X number of invites, but if she goes over, that's too bad.
The second big card is that you have already paid a deposit on your venue. Which means that you cannot switch now. Period. AND you cannot simply change your mind, and she cannot just invite who she wants!
I know your FI has already talked to her. But he needs to talk to her again. And again. And again. Explain both of these things to her. Mostly the second part, that it is not physically POSSIBLE now to invite all those people. Sounds more like his aunts and uncles are guilt tripping her about it. Maybe he could explain it to them as well. Like your family, they won't be happy about it, but maybe they'll understand. (I sure wish that I had put some of that money down on a house instead!!) People like your FMIL need to be told pretty much constantly that things cannot change and here is what is going on. Probably up until the hour before you walk down the aisle and she'll still be trying to sneak someone in.
That's a crappy situation for you. Clearly FI understood when you explained venue size and cost to him. Could you two sit down with FMIL and explain the same thing to her? That there simply isn't room for that many extras? If she doesn't listen (mine probably won't on the same issue) I would give her a quote for a larger venue and ask her how much she would like to contribute. Also, I don't think it's that big of a deal, since you're also leaving the aunts and uncles out on your own side.
I get where you're coming from. Between us, FI and I have 12 aunts and uncles. Add spouses alone and it's a big number. Add kids and it's craziness. Good luck.
I can definitely sympathize with how you are feeling. We are havng a small wedding too--parents, siblings, grandparents and just a couple of my childhood friends. My dad is just going off the rocker about this, saying he won't be there (because of the way we are having it), that I'm being selfish, segregating the family, and on and on. Even though I have offered to have a bbq celebration in his home state he is still being crazy about this, to the point where I just don't want him at the wedding anymore.
So, I totally understand how you feel. It's OUR wedding, and it makes me really sad when people (intentionally/unintentionally) try to put a damper on our day! It makes the planning wish we'd go even smaller and just elope!
I think you need to make sure that you and FI are 100% on the same page. You seem upset with him for trying to accommodate FMIL where possible, so I would figure that out first. We personally are also trying to accommodate our parents wherever it doesn't materially affect us, so I don't think it's necessarily horrible. But you and FI should agree about how much you are willing to "bend" on wedding decisions.
The reason I say that you and FI should be on the same page is that I think he is the person that should be dealing with the FMIL issues. You are stressed out enough; and, since he's her son, she won't feel like he's an enemy by not letting her invite the guests. Your logic is very clear about the guests. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. How can she argue with that? Don't try to make it more complicated than that: you can't afford any more guests, period. If she starts offering to pay, remind her that everything's been booked and she should have mentioned it earlier.
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because even after MONTHS of knowing we're doing a small wedding/after party because the larger one just got out of control... she has decided that she just can't live without inviting ALL of her brothers & sisters. I'm not talking a brother and a sister - I mean 6. Plus spouses, and then probably some kids, etc. The issue is, our venue can't accomodate this, and I've already told all of my aunts and uncles the plan and although they aren't happy, they understand. The original plan was to have family celebrations post-wedding (backyard BBQ sort of thing) so that ALL of the family could come and give their good wishes in a more casual, laid back environment (who wants to dress their 2 year old up in a mini-tux only to listen to griping all night? Nobody.) FMIL calls FI last night crying that she has apparently been holding this in for months and just can't anymore - it just means 'sooo much' to her for them to be there, regardless of budgetary or other constraints (mind you that we are paying for 99% of it and my parents are paying the rest and we just bought a house, etc). I really am afraid that this is going to turn into a future wife vs. mother thing (which I think is ridiculous). Once I explained to FI that the venue just simply cannot hold all of those additional people (because if we invite them and not my additional family all hell will break loose), we are trying to go back to plan A - the family celebrations. So how do we try and lead her down that path? She wants it to feel as 'wedding-y' as possible but I don't want to make it feel like our real wedding was just a dress re-hearsal.
Thoughts? Ideas?
Honestly, it aggravates the heck out of me that she decides that she wants to throw a monkey wrench into things NOW... after things have really started to be nailed down and deposits are being made. She really is trying to make this day about her - and it's not. Yes, I understand that this is her son and that it's a big day for her, but she also needs to know that this is an even bigger day for me and him (she had her own wedding, now I think we should have ours)!
I'm truly at a loss here.
Bella