- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
I don't think that asking about the date is that bad, actually. She just found out you were engaged this weekend, and probably assumes you haven't done very much! In fact, I'm a little surprised you didn't clear potential dates with VIGs (very important guests).
I don't think she is being a total nuisance, although her behavior may not be ideal.
As for the "biting the tongue" thing, I think it is pretty normal that parents will be a little hurt if their children plan a ceremony that doesn't conform to their beliefs. If she leaves it at that, I think it is ok. I think a parent can express their disappointment as long as it doesn't turn into pressure or a perpetual guilt trip. And she did say it to her son and not directly to you.
And as for the date thing, I think that actually shows that she is excited about the wedding and wants to make sure everyone can be there to celebrate. I hope once you explain to her that stuff is booked, she will understand.
Things could get worse, so in the beginning, try to look at everything as neutral. This way you won't already be in all out battle mode should the bad stuff start trickling in.
oh boy.. and it begins! First, Congrats! And ya know, I'm dealing with something very similar FMIL is trying to be controlling with every little thing. You're just going to have to stand your ground, as far as changing the date..FOR HER.. nu uh, that would not be happening. Whatever you decide, be respectful and as sweet as you can(hehe) but still don't let her run all over you with the things she wants to do. And why is she asking him all of this? She should be speaking with you. Watch for the passive aggressiveness it seems like there's a little bit of that going on. Good luck in whatever you decide to do! Happy Planning!
If you've hired vendors, you can't really change the date. If you discussed the date with your families before settling on the date, she has no room to complain about the date or ask you to move it.
As far as the type of ceremony, FI's parents are very religious and most likely raised him in that religion. Even though FI doesn't practice like his parents, I'm sure they wished he'd be married in a church. My Mom would have made the exact same comment to me if I was in FI's situation. Not that she wouldn't be happy for me, but religion is a big deal to my parents and they would be a little disappointed if I wasn't married in a church. They would be accepting of my decision, but only after one last passive aggressive comment was lobbed my way.
That's a really hard one. I think most of these are important issues to parents and FILs across the board. But if you've already booked the venue, is there really anything you can do about it?
The issues you're talking about were really important to my parents and FILs as well. Since they're both contributing, we're trying to compromise on a lot.
A little understanding will go a long way in this situation.
^I disagree, mimosa... why shouldn't she be asking her son about the wedding? It's his wedding, too!
You've hired vendors then you can't change the date - it's pretty simple! However, I can understand how she maybe wouldn't have thought you had set so many things in stone - at least she was just asking. Did you explain to her that there has been quite alot of planning done already? If so, what was her response to that? The guests that want to be there will be there so your date will be a-ok!
As far as the bitting the tongue thing - well, that's pretty natural I think. My parents are less than thrilled that I'm considering a non-religious ceremony, too!
I think you are overreacting. At least she said she would bite her tounge! I actually think that was very respectful. She could have gone on about what she didn't like about it. And about the date, I am surprised that you picked a date before even telling his family you were engaged. My date-picking was a family affair.
How long have you been engaged? You must really be on the ball if you have the venue and vendors booked so soon. Do you actually have the contracts signed and everything? Congrats on the engagement!
Good points... we didn't run it by any family members before we booked the day. We got excited about the venue and grabbed what was available, figuring it would be ok since we gave LOTS of notice. Maybe we goofed up that aspect.
I am definitely trying to be neutral. I will try to be sensitive to the religious thing...
For the whole time I've been with FI, his mom has been SUPER critical and nasty about her daughter-in-law behind her back, but right in front of me! Criticizing her for etiquette, weight gain during pregnancy -- even for being too demanding of her husband DURING LABOR.
Given what I've seen, I'm just bracing myself...
But this stuff doesn't seem too serious? I hope not!
If she is biting her tongue, consider yourself lucky. If you've already booked vendors, then you shouldn't change the date. But did you check the date with parents/siblings first?
No, not serious at all. She's biting her tounge, and she's making a valid point when it comes to the date. Typically, the couple confirms the date with must-have guests, such immediate family and the bridal party.
First-yay twin dates (hopefully)!
Second- I would have been just as ticked as you are. Personally, I think you should have whatever kind of ceremony you want. No matter what you do, it won't go with everyone's beliefs. I'm a Christian, having Christian parts, I know my mom & her family aren't very religious (and many of her side), so they may think parts are weird, but it's what we want. You do whatever kind of ceremony you want.
Third-the date thing happened to me. Valentine's Day has always been our day, so we assumed we'd have a V-day wedding 2010-my parents really didn't want it, and we ended up moving it around to be 6 months later (we both really hate that). While I would be mad, I've been in that situation, and ended up changing, even though we didn't want to.
The date may be something you need to think about, but the ceremony & complete wedding style is up to you.
I'd brush off her asking about a date change because she probably thinks you haven't planned much yet and maybe it would be easy to change. Go forward with a clean slate and if she keeps throwing out all this issues then talk to your FI about it - since she didn't say the "biting my tongue" statement directly to you I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.
On a side note, what's the point of saying "I'm biting my tongue", anyway? It's still obvious that she's unhappy, so bite it a little more and don't say anything.
@marinara - seriously, don't use how she treats FSIL as how she'll treat you. My FMIL has had a lot of problems with FBIL, and at first I was afraid of a repeat when it came to the wedding. She even confided to me that she was not happy on their wedding day because of a fight she had with FBIL the night before. Maybe because FI and I have made an effort to include them and treat them with respect, she has been nothing but wonderful so far, although she did have opinions on the things you mentioned.
As for what your FMIL said about FSIL in labor, etc, did you actually hear those? That's pretty terrible.
@ lilyfaith - I definitely heard them. I was aghast! I seriously thought I was going to be sick, it was so messed up...
I dread being on the receiving end of that stuff! I think that's what's in the background here.
@johnsbride09, yes I agree it's his wedding too, but I feel that most of the decisions made, are through the bride.. I know that would bother me. But it's just my opinion :0).
I've been engaged for almost 3 months - and the thing I'm only NOW learning - is to say "thanks for the idea, we'll consider it". Or, "thank you". Or, "I would have never thought of that". Or.... insert any other sort of combination for the gazillion random ideas you will have FLYING your way.... Put some thought into the suggestions you receive - and then do it the way you want.
I didn't realize how insanely sensitive I'd get over all the suggestions and ideas (coming from my family, mostly). You have to keep reminding yourself that they are telling you these things because they want the best for you.... but it can be the most annoying thing. DO NOT let it ruin your relationship with FMIL.
Everyone has their own idea about what the wedding should be (or what church it should be held in) but stand your ground!!! Do what FI and you want and be polite to others in the process and you'll come out ahead. I keep hearing that the initial planning stages are the most stressful with extended family.... so hang in there!!
@ oracle- I totally agree. Don't let her get to you - you have to do what you have to do! You can't change dates for everyone!
Congrats on your engagement! I agree with mimosa, you need to stand your ground and do it early! I would NOT change the date for her. My FH's parents are teachers and we are having the wedding while they are still in school, tough luck, its our wedding. This is going to be the first of many battles I am sure so good luck!!
Thanks for the input, everyone! An update: We decided to go ahead and see IF we could change the date with our vendors. If it were possible, we would have to decide whether we truly wanted to or not; if it were not possible, we would have the easier task of telling FMIL & co that it simply wasn't possible to change. After some checking, it turns out that it wasn't possible, and FI relayed that info.
Months later, it is still an issue. We saw them for Christmas and they threw us an engagement shower, and FMIL made some not-so-nice remarks about the date in front of EVERYONE (family I was just then meeting). And when I wasn't around, apparently she and her sisters were harping on FI about it. He says it doesn't stop. It's primarily targeted at him, not me, so I'm not taking it too personally. I'm just sorry that he's going through this with his family during such a happy time.
Thanks again for all the support, it REALLY helped me to hear that I was overreacting! Totally put it in perspective. :)
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| LammChop | 17 |
| fivemonthsnotice | 17 |
| Lyndzo | 15 |
| Mrs. Chai | 14 |
| ticatica | 14 |
| beargoose | 12 |
| MissPumpkinPie | 12 |
| BellaDee | 12 |
| Ms. Salamander | 12 |
| MrsOliveBird | 11 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| bookworm88 | 2 |
| Rivendeler | 2 |
| Ms. Salamander | 2 |
| GoldfishPie | 1 |
| PinkPinstripes | 1 |
| allihappy | 1 |
| mightywombat | 1 |
| angela85 | 1 |
| sara_tiara | 1 |
| claireos | 1 |
Ok, so tell me if I am crazy to be irritated about this...
Fiancee just told his parents about the engagement last weekend. That was great! He wanted to wait to tell them in person, but decided he couldn't wait.
His mother's reaction as been MOSTLY nice, with a couple surprising twists. First, when he told her where the wedding would be held, she said, "Oh! So it's outside? Who's officiating, what type of ceremony will it be?" He told her we hadn't decided yet, but something along the lines of Unitarian. She said, "I'm biting my tounge." I know she said it to him and not me, but he told me about it and it totally bugged me!! His parents are very religious, but neither of us are, and I just don't get why she would expect us to have a religious ceremony!
Then, the next morning, she called him and asked him if we could CHANGE THE DATE. She said that the wedding would be after school started for a couple close family members who are teachers, and it would be really helpful if we could move it back a few weeks so it was during their summer vacation. She knows we've hired a number of vendors and booked the venue already! Ummmm am I crazy or is that crazy?
Am I being too sensitive????