(Closed) FMIL issues…

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think your FI should have stood up for you when they came over to your house.  You need to tlak with him about sticking up for you with his family.  If they did not contribute any money to the wedding then they have no say in how things get planned.  I think it’s very rude of his mom to offer to pay for flowers and then retract that because she didn’t get to go wedding gown shopping.  Now I can understand that she might feel excluded because you haven’t allowed her to be involved in anything, but I do not think that is reason enough to act like a child.  You need to act like the adult here and put an end to this.  That does not mean that you go and tell her off or that you sit and take her attitude, but that you just calmly tell her that you did not appreciate her actions and that they were hurtfull to you and your family and leave it at that.  As far as the dinner and wedding just ignore her.  Don’t be alone with her and don’t say anything other then a polite hello to her.  For the unity candle you can have your mother light the candle for your side and either his father or another important person from his side can light his candle.  I wish you luck!!!!!

Post # 4
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t get it.  She loses it, because you want to have a unity candle?  Is she trying to say that she doesn’t want to walk with your mom, because she’d rather walk with her husband?  Or is she just against the unity candle?

Well, if she simply doesn’t want to walk with your mom (for whatever reason), I suppose that you could have your mom, walk down the aisle, and light her candle, then FMIL and FFIL walk down the aisle and she light her candle….

But we all know this is truly deeper than a unity candle.  I agree with the pps.  I hope FI gets it together and puts his foot down.  She’s being ridiculous about all of this.  If you feel like this is getting out of hand, because weddings sometimes cause this chaos, perhaps apologize for hurting her feelings and causing her to feel excluded.  You can offer to have her walk with FFIL and light her candle separately.  But tell her that you do want the unity candle.  (Hopefully there is someone else who is willing to light FI’s candle if his mom isn’t). 

Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Your FI def. needs to speak up! He must talk to his parents and tell them that as his future wife you have to be treated with respect and that he will not tolerate that kind of behavior from them. Simple. He cannot let them treat you like that.

Post # 6
Member
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Totally agree with MrsFernandez… your FI really should discuss this with his mother.  If it were your family treating him this way, would you sit back and do nothing?  Good luck!!

Post # 7
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

While it would be ideal for your FI to stand up to his parents, that simply might not happen at this point in time.  They are his family, and just as you are undergoing the transformation to taking on a new family while keeping your own, he is too.  He probably doesn’t want to make things any worse with his parents than he already perceives they are.  I’m not making excuses for him, I’m just trying to see things from his point of view.  I imagine he is feeling pretty caught in the middle right now and trying to not rock the boat.  I don’t think it really matters what you OR your FI say to his mother, I don’t think her behavior is going to change. It doesn’t sound like she wants much of a relationship with you either, so I would simply stand my ground and keep her out of the details.  The less she knows, the less she can screw up for your wedding day. 

But I would also suggest talking to your FI about his future involvement with his family.  My husband and I had some HUGE issues with my in-laws right after the wedding, and it was very helpful for us to sit down and talk about how we see our relationship with them in the future.  I tried to keep him out of “the middle” of the situation, but we needed to try to create a united front as best we could.

Good luck, and please keep us posted!

Post # 8
Member
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Wow, if I could answer this better than 05292010, I would, but I think her answer is perfect.

Post # 9
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

I actually have to disagree with 5292010.  If your fiance refuses to stand up for you to his family then you need to get out NOW.  Their behavior will not change unless he does something about it.  He should be willing to stand up for you no matter how afraid he is of his parent’s reaction.  They don’t have to love you and be best friends with you but they MUST treat you with respect… if he doesn’t agree, then you can do better.

Post # 10
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Have they ever reated you poorly before? It seems ridiculous of them to act this way just because of the unity candle. I suggest you talk to your FI and let him know that he should stand up for you. He should go to his parents and tell them what they did is wrong and they need to start treating oyu with respect

Post # 11
Member
1080 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I am wondering if she has older daughters who got married before. Maybe she saw her role in wedding planning to be much more than it actually is. She also sounds like she is having issues with her baby boy leaving home and starting his own family. At teh very least you should talk to your FI about this. He doe nto have to confront his parents but he should be on the same page with you on how it makes you feel and how you will proceed as a couple.

Post # 12
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@Moose1209: I agree with Moose. Your FIs family does not have to like you, but it IS your FIs job to make it clear to his family that they MUST treat you with respect. Sitting there quietly while his family hurled obscenities at you is NOT COOL. As soon as the conversation became heated HE should have asked his family to leave.

I am not saying that it will be easy for your FI b/c these are his parents…but situations like these can define how your marriage works.

Post # 15
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Wow… I didn’t realize we get to pick and choose what we want to do just because we don’t like people.  Does she do the same thing at work, not take a message for someone because she doesn’t like them?  She sounds like a pretty selfish person.  Just have one of your ushers or GM walk the mothers down separately and then they can walk up seperately to light the candels.  Better get separate match books too so she doesn’t have to touch the ones your mom used… wow…… Good luck!!!!

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