Post # 1
This morning, my future mother in law asked my fiancee to ask me to make his sister one of my bridesmaids. While clearly passive-agressive, this request might seem a pretty normal request to some. But I seriously do NOT want his sister around me at all times during my wedding prep, bachelorette, etc. While his sister is a nice girl, she is incredibly immature and hyper (ADHD to the max) and thus isn’t the calming influence I want around me as I’m a stressball on my wedding morning. I should also note that sister has also expressed no interest in our engagement or wedding to myself or my fiancee. I was thinking about making her part of my house party as an alternative (eg, to greet guests and walk down the aisle at the beginning of our ceremony).
Besides the fact that I’d like to reserve my bridesmaids spots for my actual friends who have been there for me forever, I’m also concerned about the broader picture. My future in-laws aren’t contributing to the wedding, yet theyve asked a LOT of us (currently, their invitation list marks over 60% of our entire guest list and they refuse to cut it down).
So, what to do about the sister situation, and should I use it to take a stance?
Post # 3
Do you have any brothers? Is FI asking any of them to be groomsmen? If so, it will be hard not to extend the courtesy to his sister.
If not, then I say No, you do not have to ask her. I would just say that you wanted a small bridal party and had picked out your bridesmaids.
I would find another role for her- something like you suggested that would not involve her being in your direct circle on the morning of your wedding.
Post # 4
Hmmm I dont know really what to say…you say you want only your friends by your side who have been there forever, but lets get something straight friends come and go but family is there forever (wether you rlike it or not) and his sister will be your sister in law soon.
On that note, if you dont want her in the party, thats fine. your day, your wedding your choice. As the PP said, i would just tell your FMIL that you are keeping the party small and want your SIL to be an usher/reader/greeter or whatever you may choose.
Post # 5
I get the whole family thing but I believe that the bridesmaids are there for the bride and it should be her choice. If she really felt bad or wanted a role, would she have said something to you in the first place or is it totally FMIL’s idea? You definitely want to be calm and it sounds like from your post adding the sister might stress you out. I think its nice that you are considering a smaller role for her. I think giving her a small role like passing out programs or maybe a reading if you are having one might be better than facing the bridesmaid battle.
As for the parents, are you and FI covering the wedding or another family member? If I were to take a stance, I would probably go the financial route. 60% of the guest list with no contribution seems like a little much to me. You could always say sorry but the set number of guests that we can accommodate for you is__ and leave it up to them to give you the list that meets your magic number or you and FI can cut down the list yourselves.
Post # 6
How does your FI feel about it? Does he want her in the wedding? Personally, I would explain to him why you do not want this and he can tell his mom. If it is very important for them to have her in the wedding she should stand up on your FI side, not yours.
Post # 7
I completely agree with julies1949- IF you don’t have a brother as a groomsman for your FI’s side, then find another way to include her in the wedding without her being a bridesmaid.
Post # 8
thank you for all your comments! this board is amazing….
no, I don’t have any brothers. and my fiancee feels really torn in-between on this (understandably) but when I asked him a few weeks ago whether he wanted her to be one of my BMs, he said he didn’t care as long as she was included in some way. He said he’d support me either way (love him!!) but I don’t want to cause drama for him.
I think my compromise might be to make her a member of the house party and a reader at the wedding, and if my FMIL/FSIS so desires, also having her walk down the aisle with us and perhaps wearing a same or similar dress as the bridesmaids. My FH says his mom primarily wants her to be a part of the ceremony, and I don’t mind that; I just don’t want her to be there while I’m partying for my bachelorette or getting ready in the morning.
Does that sound like a cop-out or a reasonable compromise?
Post # 9
I am having my FSILs be “candle bearers”. We are including a unity candle ceremony soley for the purpose so they can walk down the aisle carrying something. They will be a part of “our” party, not his or hers, but will sit with mine during that day.
This way they will wear matching dresses to each other, but not my girls. They still get to walk down the aisle as a member of the party, but they arent displacing my friends as BMs
Post # 10
Can his sister be a “groomswoman?” That way she’s in the wedding, but on HIS side, and can hang out with HIM before the wedding. My brother was a “bridesman” for me, and although the sides were uneven, it really looked and worked just fine.
I think when planning a wedding, you should compromise on a lot of things to make people happy. However, having just gotten married this weekend, I will say that the bridal suite on the morning of the wedding needs to be filled ONLY with the people you are most comfortable with and whose company you enjoy the most. I simply cannot emphasize this enough. It was such a wonderful haven after a week of prewedding and family craziness to just be hanging out with my siblings having a great time. So don’t back down on this one. Really.
If you don’t want to do that, I think asking her to be a reader and letting her pick a fancy dress for that is a nice compromise.
Post # 11
Ohhh that’s unpleasent. My MIL came out and said (after I said that FSIL would NOT be in the wedding, having waited until I was in Iraq to ask FI to change the religion, date, and location of the wedding…long story) “Yes but the invitation is still OPEN isn’t it?”
You need to have people who love and support you with you. Bottom line. BUT you also need to have (I think) a representation of the families blending. Happily, FI has another sister who is wonderful girl and she IS a bridesmaid. Is there another female relative you could integrate? Otherwise there is always the reading…and make sure she has a corsage to mark her out as a VIP as she’s still sis to the groom.
Post # 12
@Beansy: Hey look at my display name. FI and I call each other beans beansie beanalope….the list goes on forever
Post # 13
@Mrs. Beans: Hi Mrs. Beans!!!!
I have a RL name that is shortened to Mel, so in HS MOH started calling me Melbelle…the Belly-Beans…then Beansy and I’m Beansy to her to this day
Post # 14
@Beansy: It always starts somewhere and then goes out of control!
Post # 15
So I feel a little torn on how to reply to this because I can see both sides…
It’s super awkward that your FMIL ASKED for her to be a BM. But the thing is, she IS your FI’s sister. She doesn’t have to be included in everything pre-wedding but I’m sure your FMIL has thought about her kids being in each other’s weddings ever since they were little (I know my mom has!).
I’m kind of wondering if your FSIL wants to be a BM and your FMIL was finally the one to ask your FI about it.
However, it is entirely up to you on who you would like around you. You know your relationship with her better than any of us here and if you really feel like she would be more of a negative on your day, then don’t ask.
Would it really be so bad for her to stand up there and make everyone happy? Only you can answer that. If you can work out a way to include her in the ceremony and that would make your FMIL happy, why not?