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You're handling this all on your own and you shouldn't be. It's your FI's family so he should have to deal with it as well. My suggestion is to step back. Tell him how aweful you'll feel if gmom doesn't get invited and how old she is and won't be on this earth for much longer - lay it on thick!
Then tell him that if he agrees with his Mom, then he has to break the news to gmom! Because you're against breaking the poor, old lady's heart!
If he feels even slightly bad, then it should motivate him to have a talk with him mother -- and that he has to do on his own for now. If and when she upsets him, that's when you step in and kindly remind her just whos wedding it is! Remind her of future grandchildren you'd want her to be a part of as a last line of defense! I know it's playing tough but your FMIL isn't at all playing fair so you need to bring in the big guns!
Get your FI involved first. He has to start it, not you!
@Vitsippa: thank you so much! I've been mulling over this for weeks so I've completely lost perspective. You've given me some really great ideas :)
My fia mom and g mom do not speak. And as such if does not have mua relay relationship wi his grandParents.... I'm not sure they even know we are engaged.... Ibrought it it up one day bc I was concerned about invites.i got an entire spheal about why and how things came to pass. I personall. Told my f mil that I would like to extend the invite if Olny as a courtesy and if they decide to showI I promised that I wouldn't make her sit with her mom. I would explain that you are inviting her tO the ceremony Olny and tell her it's 45 Miniutstrust she will be uncomfortable for.... She carried her son for 9 months 45 mins won't kill her
I agree that your FI should tell the grandmother if he chooses to not invite her.. This is too much to put on your shoulders. I would think they should be able to hold it together for one little ceremony. It also isn't right that his mom is putting you in this position... weddings are stressful enough!
Good Luck! It will work out!
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Hi Bees,
Sorry for the novel, I'll try and make it as brief as possible.
So FI and I have been together for 4 1/2 years. We met each other's parents when we had been together less than a month, but I didn't meet his grandma (mum's mum) until about 18 months ago when his grandpa died and she had to go into a home.
FMIL is constantly negative about her mother, says awful things about her, doesn't go visit her very often, and encourages the her children (FI and 2 sisters) to avoid their grandma. FI is the baby of the family, and has never really questioned the way his mother treats his grandmother, but I'm really uncomfortable with it.
We've been to visit her probably half a dozen times in the last 18 months. The visits are always a bit awkward, but I think that we need to just suck it up and deal with it. It's no great sacrifice for us to go and visit her and have a nice chat, and it makes her really happy.
Our problem is... FMIL has informed FSIL who has informed FI that if we invite the grandmother, FMIL will not attend. I'm so incredibly uncomfortable with this, especially since last time we visited the grandma spent half the visit talking about how hurt she was that she didn't get invited to FSIL wedding a few years ago.
Now, most rational people wouldn't actually follow through with that kind of a threat, but this is the same FMIL who tried to cancel FI's birthday two years ago because we had invited my parents to (who she has spoken to countless times on the phone, because their house doesn't have cell reception). I know that it wouldn't take much for her to not come to our wedding, and I also know it would absolutely break FI's heart if his mum wasn't there.
FSIL (the rational one) thinks her mum should just get over herself and let grandma come to the ceremony (we wouldn't have invited her to the reception anyway). Other FSIL (lovely, but more like her mum) thinks I'm just going to cause trouble if I try and question it. FI has no opinion... He just doesn't want us to get disowned by his mum because she is renowned for holding grudges!
I haven't brought it up with FMIL at all face to face, she didn't even tell me of the decision though, I've found out through the family grapevine.
Should I ask her to explain her decision? Should I offer to compromise and just invite the grandmother to the ceremony and hope she thinks that's reasonable? Or should I just deal with FI's family politics and just worry about my own crazy (but much easier to deal with) family?
My biggest worry is going to see the grandma after we get married!
Suggestions please!
Thanks bees :)