FMIL issues - could use some pointers

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FMIL issues - could use some pointers

posted 2 years ago in Emotional

Member

164 posts

Blushing bee

Grnmel 6/27/09 Ann Arbor

I'll spare you all the details, because frankly I'm just too raw from the rollercoaster she's put us on this weekend.

I need some advice in getting to happy place with a woman that I have no respect for. She's not going away, and while I can limit our interaction to a point, she's important to my fiance and I don't ever want to put him a choice position.

What have you done to get passed the things that seem impossible to get passed?

PS...we're going to talk to our marriage counselor tomorrow about this. We went through sessions and she warned us some of her behaviors could potentially cause problems but I just didn't think it would be 27 days before our wedding.

Thanks!

2 years ago

Member

141 posts

Blushing bee

MrsBtobe July 17, 2010 Canada

*HUGS* Firstly - I can relate to you with having a difficult fmil. But without further details it's hard to give specific advice or insight. The two most important pieces of information I would like to share with you is a) to create serious boundaries and b) that I believe that your FI should be dealing with his fmil if there are issues. I really hope things work out and settle down before the wedding! Good luck :)

2 years ago

Member

423 posts

Helper bee

Juliemd414 7/25/09 STL

I agree with MrsBtobe. Distance yourself from your FMIL. Have your FI deal with her when needed. You know whats best for you and you and your FI know whats best for you both as a couple. Don't listen to comments that are negative and un-helpful (I don't know the details of your situation).

Maybe after time and separation from your MIL you can build respect and maybe even a relationship.

2 years ago

Member

164 posts

Blushing bee

Grnmel 6/27/09 Ann Arbor

Thanks...and I think your advice is sound.

The long and short of it is this...

The core of the problem centers around her need to be the center of attention or focus and when she's not, everyone pays. Unfortunately, from what I understand, this behavior has been tolerated and accomodated and explained by "well, that just how she is" for a lifetime to avoid a tantrem. This weekend, I experienced my first real tantrem and unfortunately I was the target.

My fiance did get involved (she involved him) and he tried to mitigate at first to keep the peace, when that didn't stop her, he flat out told her she was out of line. Well....that didn't go well.

So the situation is that something that they (the family) have managed to tolerate for a lifetime, I don't want to accept. I'm 36, I've had my share of toxic, manipulative and drama seeking people. I'm happy to say that I've weeded those harmful elements out of my life. I'm scared to death about having to do this all over again. Not to mention, that they (my fiance and his family) have somehow found a way to deal and make peace with this, so I feel a bit of guilt in my own self preservation.

Thanks for allowing the rant. I know things aren't going to be "solved" here, but if you have some similar dealings, I would love to know how you've dealt with them.

2 years ago

Member

423 posts

Helper bee

Juliemd414 7/25/09 STL

I have a family member (my Aunt -God Mother) who is very self centered and spoiled (spoiled for a life time with attention/ and getting "her way"). There is a lot I could say about her which I wont. But needless to say she is difficult to deal with! (every year we have to do a separate christmas/thanksgiving JUST FOR HER!!) She is loud and can be very mean.

I invited her to my OOT wedding and she called me up to tell me how awful it was that I am not having it in my home town because she can't travel - not because she is sick or doesn't have $ - she just doesn't want to travel. She told me over and over how disappointed she is in me and my FI's choice. She also is refusing to come to my shower which is being held in my home town - just minutes away from where she lives.

I have to be happy that she is not a person I see or hear from often... If I had to see her and deal with her more I might scream!

I keep my distance for sure. I try to stay calm when dealing with her. When she complains (which she does allot) I just say "Im sorry you feel that way, but this is just how it is going to be." Or something like that. I just take what she says and let it flow past me. I can't let her negative and selfish ways bother me.

I guess I am kinda glad she isn't coming to my wedding, but at the same time she is family so I am torn.

2 years ago

Member

2,655 posts

Sugar bee

Tanya123

I'm so sorry. That' is difficult. I kind of scooted around that by being OOT. Any chance you'll relocate??

First, I agree, mrstobe, has good suggestions. Also, it sounds like her family has learned to adapt to get through the holidays, etc. The good news, is it doesn't seem to be directly a problem between the two of you. It seems to just be her personality. However, in order to avoid this turning into a beef she has with you, I think it's best to try to learn to swim with the sharks. It doesn't mean she is right or that you support her. But I think if you learn from those before you who have learned so well, everyone will get along better. I know it's not what you want to hear. I find myself biting my tongue when I'm in that situation. And it can be hard sometimes. (But when the visit is over. out of sight out of mind.) But getting in a fight, feels much worse in the long run. (I stew on it for a while.)

I think the only other thing you can do to help yourself, is to come up with a plan together with your FI, that you will spend a limited amount of time with her. Try to spend the time socializing with a different family member, or pretend to listen to her and bite your tongue. If she behaves stick around longer, and "bank the time". When she acts out, you can leave early. Hopefully, that way, she won't see it as you two always bailing. She's likely to blame you. Good luck.