Post # 1
Saturday I found out that i’m pregnant. Yesterday we called to tell my FI’s mom. He put her on speakerphone to tell her the news and they were talking about random stuff then the wedding came up and she proceded to tell him (again) that she wishes that we would wait and do it “the right way” and get married in the catholic church. (sorry to all those who are catholic my FI loves his religion and I love mine too, i honestly mean no offense) He said that he wants to get married now and that we can just have our wedding recognized by the church later. (some background is I married my daughter’s father when I was 17 and still in high school and we got a divorce when i was 21 and it has to be annulled by the church before we can get married in the church and that is why she wants us to wait and we decided not to wait.) So he is telling her that this is his decision and that i’m not forcing him to marry me and she interupts him and says that she will never believe that. He said that I had told him i’m willing to wait as long as he wants to all i care about is that we get married. She said she doesn’t believe that as well. Then he said he hates that he has to turn to my family to be happy for us and she said of course they are your a great guy and your taking care of her and her daughter! She quit her job and hasn’t done anything since! (i totalled my car and couldn’t get to work an hour away so i quit bc it wasn’t worth the 16 hours that i worked, i have been applying to jobs ever since but i can’t seem to get a call from anyone.) After all this we told her and she was like that figures. We knew she would be upset but it seemed like she thought that i was trapping him. I thought that we always got along, i don’t understand where all this is coming from. She knew she was on speaker phone yet she still said all of this for me to hear. I feel so unwanted and FI was upset because i was and he was hurt because he wants his family to be happy for him but i’m not even sure what to do? It’s not like i can just get a job to prove her wrong, i have been trying since january.
I’m sorry so long and that this turned into a vent but if anyone has any advice at all i would greatly appreciate it.
Post # 3
I forgot to add that my FI really wants to be married before the baby comes and i have already bought my dress so we moved the date from may 1st of next year to nov. 14th of this year so there is a lot of added stress on me right now.
Post # 4
Poor you. Unfortunately if her mind is set in this pattern, probably only time will convince her different.
The one thing I would say, is that whatever his family dynamic is like, he can’t not respond to her talking to/about you like that. No matter her feelings, she’s plain rude.
Can you guys afford to do a tiny itty bitty destination wedding in Nov? Like just the two of you!
Best of luck with this – so many awful FMIL stories on the boards. I give thanks for mine most days, she’s a sweetheart, thank God!
Post # 5
I agree, your FI can not allow her to talk to you like that. I had a similar situation, my FI had his mother on speaker phone for 2 hours while she screamed such terrible things about me. I had just gotten home from work and I had to sit there in my own home and listen to this. I was so hurt and upset, I actually kicked him out. I was livid he let her go on like that, he didn’t mean to do it but he just didn’t know what to do. She was destroying our relationship, we went to therapy and it has helped him understand what HE needs to do for us and the relationship, and things have been drastically different once he started to take a stand for me and the relationship.
You will not be able to change what this mother thinks of you or what she says about you, but you can control how or when she does it. She needs to understand that she won’t be in both of your lives if she continues to talk this way to him about you. That is something he needs to communicate with her and stick to. It sucks that they can’t be happy for him, but at least he has YOUR family to support and be there for him. She is only hurting herself, because the more she does this, the more she will push him away. It’s something you need to let her deciede on.
Post # 6
I can relate. My MIL called me the day of the wedding to bitch about something, then didn’t say good-bye or hang up the phone and I overheard her talking crap about how “I was sitting around getting my hair colored” and making DH watch our son. I was livid. Yeah, I was getting my hair colored, I have gray hair and didn’t have time earlier in the week because I was too busy coloring her and my mom’s hair, cutting DH’s hair, hosting the rehearsal dinner ’cause my mom wouldn’t drive to the resturant and making appts. for MIL which she cancelled. DH asked her to apologize and she did and now everything is great between us. She said she was just really stressed and she tends to be mean when she’s anxious.
So maybe this is a lot for your FMIL to take in. It sounds like your FI is willing to stand up for you which is good. Give her some time to come around and don’t get down on yourself.
Post # 7
thnaks girls this has really helped, it was just crazy because it was just the one time, maybe she was just stressed, last night he called to talk to her about people to invite (they have a lot of family in kentucky and ohio) and she was fine then so i’m just not sure.
Post # 8
I agree with other bee’s who said you can’t change her or how she feels about this situation. All you two can do is what’s right for you and your family. You, your children, and your FI are the new nuclear family now and that needs to come first. If you two can manage it would there be a way for the both of you to attend some couples counseling? It can really make a difference. You both need some tools to deal with this, and both of you have different roles in dealing with this too. Perhaps your churches can give you referals to some counselors who offer low cost services.
Rely on your wonderful family in times like this. You have an amazing year ahead of you both, and I wish all the happiness in the world for you!! You can do this!! Just keep something in mind, even though times are tough right now, it won’t be like this forever. There is light at the end of the tunnel. This is fixable. You just need the right tools to help you both. The foundation of your marriage is being layed right now, and why not make it as indestructable as possible? See what counseling services are offered in your area. I’m confident you can find something that will fit your budget.