Post # 1
I’m sure others of you are having this problem. My fiance and I started out with a guest list and it just kept growing due to the fact the he didn’t want to leave anyone out. It now has well over 180 people on it, although we were looking for 130ish, and his mom keeps adding more (more than 20 more). I’ve asked him to let her know that we just can’t invite anymore people; we just can’t afford it. If she wants to pitch in financially, then maybe it could happen, but we really don’t want a huge wedding. I said “no” to my mom when she wanted to add co-workers, but he won’t do the same. He says, “it’ll just work out, I’m sure some money will come from somewhere.” My family doesn’t have any money and we’ve even taken in a roommate to help cover wedding costs. I asked my family for a third of the modest wedding budget, thinking we’d do a third and his family would help out as well, but he won’t even talk to them about it. He just can’t say “no” to his mom. We’re flying out to spend xmas with his family and if he hasn’t said something to her by then, I’m wondering if I should talk to her. I know her and she’ll just sayv that we should invite everyone and just decrease the cost-per-head. Any ideas? Please HELP!
Post # 3
Unfortunately, I don’t have any ideas. I can just commiserate.
I am having the exact same problem with my FMIL. Our guest list went from 80 to 150. Her reasoning is “well, you only get married once.” (Not true in my case…this is my second marriage, FI’s first). FI won’t say no to his mom, either. His parents offered to help, but FI thinks I should ask my parents for money now. My parents aren’t adding anyone to the guest list. My portion of the guest list (meaning my immediate family and a few friends that aren’t FI’s friends) is 24 people. My 24 people would have been the same people regardless of my parents helping. My mom can’t pitch in (she’s single, and trying to retire), and I don’t have the kind of relationship with my dad to ask for money.
It just stinks.
Post # 4
It sounds like you need to sit down with FI and have a firm budget talk. Be prepared with the figures of what everything is going to cost and a break down of what the per person cost is. You two need to be on the same page with finances, so if he wants to go into debt over this and you don’t, then you need to hash that out until you can agree with each other or come up with a compromise. While sometimes amazing things happen to cover costs at the last second, that absolutely can’t be counted on.
I’m hoping that this is just a case of him truely not having a clue as to how much money weddings can cost and especially what it costs per person when you start adding people on!
Post # 5
@VelvetBegonias: Its not fair that you limited your family’s number of invitations but he doesn’t want to do the same with his family. If the invitations haven’t gone out yet, bring her portion of the guest list with you for the holidays and tell her you’re so sorry, but the list has grown too large and you need to cut by X number of people and ask her to let you know who on her list she chooses to cut. Make sure you tell her your family was limited in the number of people they can invite too. If she gives you any guff about reducing the cost per plate, tell her you HAVE and this many people is still beyond your budget. She can then either cut her list or offer to pay for a portion of the wedding.
One thing is key here though and that’s that your FI HAS to be on board with this plan and willing to back you up because she will of course appeal to him. I suggest you talk to her together but YOU do the talking since he doesn’t seem comfortable with it. He just has to be firm.
If you don’t want to ask her to cut anyone then just e-mail her and tell her the guest list is full and you can’t add any more people. Period.
Post # 6
put your foot down now. tell fmil the number of guests she’s allotted, and make her stick to that number. tell her if she doesn’t pare down her guest list, you will, and you might end up cutting the people closer to her since you don’t really who’s who.
Post # 7
Oh I can relate. I’m having the same problem with my step-mom. she actually had the nerve to send me a spreadsheet of 63 people!!!
I think you need to talk with your FI and be on the same page before you address family. We presented it as an issue of venue capacity (even though we could have more). I said you can have X number of invitation, dispense of them how you will…anything over that will put us over capacity. She is also aware that she will be paying for her guests that decide to come.
People usually understand capacity more than anything, since there’s no bargaining with that number…