(Closed) FMIL keeps trying to change our wedding..

posted 5 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 4
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013 - rolling hills of southern italy

That sounds awful. Stop talking to her about it. My advice would be to call it the mystery wedding and insist everything is a surprise. if only it were that easy, right? …it isn’t.

Post # 5
Member
839 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Maybe she feels like you are settling for this option and she is trying to give you every option possible to have your “dream wedding” that she feels you should have?
I would just explain to her that you are 100% comfortable with this new decision, and show her how excited you are by focusing her attention and energy into the new plan. For example, let her know you’re looking for the perfect location and maybe she can suggest somewhere to go. Or ask her for help with centrepieces, etc. so that she knows that you are happy with having this type of wedding. Get really excited about how saving all of this money is going to let you go on a better honeymoon, put a down payment on a house, or whatever.
I have a feeling she just wants you both to have the perfect wedding, and is likely feeling as though she won’t get to help plan if you go this route.
If she doesn’t get on board, then try your best to ignore her. 🙂 

Post # 6
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

OMG my FMIL (who along with FFIL are paying for like 75%) is ruining my life too. She is a housewife, who’s friends all have had EXPENSIVE (like 80,000) weddings for their kids. She keeps wanting our DW to become grander and grander, but then complains that we are spending too much. She spends way to much time on google and etsy and is always coming up with new things to do, even if we had already decided on what we are doing, she just finds something new and changes it….I feel your pain!!

Post # 7
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Your fiancé needs to step in at this point and let his mother know that you both appreciate her help but your decision is final and you are both happy with it 🙂

Post # 9
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Galang_Gyal:  I wish you the best. This is your day. Do what YOU want…look back someday with no regrets. Let that be your goal 🙂

Post # 10
Member
5894 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

 

@Galang_Gyal:  I would try to sit down with her and ask, “why is it so important that  we do ___(insert traditional wedding thing here)____?” Try to get her to tell you how she feels. I know for my Mom, it was important she not lose face. She is Japanese and her friends are vicious (worst than teenagers) when it comes to gossip and talking behind each other’s backs. Luckily they were paying for it, but it helped me to put myself in her shoes.

Weddings bring up alot of emotional stuff. Try to understand her point of view. You still might not be able to accomodate her, but it will help you not get so annoyed. 

Maybe you can brainstorm with her with ways to make it feel better for you. Like if she feel like she needs a big party, then tell her she can throw you a congrats party after the honeymoon (that she pays for) and she can invite everyone she knows. Or maybe she wants to do a DIY project. 

Also, maybe show her some pictures of small weddings and how nice they can be. Check out A Practical Wedding or Intimate Weddings blog.

Good Luck!

Post # 12
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Just reply with “Oh, that sounds nice…I’ll look into it” and then just drop it. If she follos up tel her you decided to do X Y Z instead.

Post # 13
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

My only advice is just to say we’ve decided to have the wedding here on X date at X time, intimate dinner to follow at X place. Please let me know if you need any directions. I would hope she would stop trying to meddle in your plans if you say this is what’s happening period, end of story.

If she keeps it up tell your FI to talk to her and say that plans are final and they will not be changed, it’s his mom so it’s really his place to tell her to stop, otherwise if you do it it may cause a rift between you and FMIL.

Good luck, I hope you get the day YOU and FI want!

Post # 14
Member
5894 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Galang_Gyal:  I would ask her what she regrets not having at her wedding. Have her talk about her wedding. Once you get an idea of how much control she had over her wedding (many women of an older generation had NO say in the wedding. Their Mom’s planned it all) and what she regrets. Then talk to her about your vision. Show her some pictures of weddings that you like (See A Practical Wedding for some good examples of real, down to earth weddings). Explaing the top 3-5 things that are important to you like–good food, people laughing, good pictures, pretty (not expensive) dress, whatever it is that you value. Then maybe give her something to do–make coffee filter flowers or sew table cloths. Sounds like she means well, just needs to be on the same page.

Post # 15
Member
6207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

She’s saying all those things because she’s excited (it’s a day she’s thought about a lot, too!). I would just accept every suggestion with “that’s a great idea” and then go about your business. She can’t force you to do anything.

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