Post # 1
FI & I have had a rough time with this wedding process…we’ve changed plans about a million times, and gotten our hopes up several times only to be let down. Plus the money my parents pledged fell through and FI and I are…uhh…broke! Sooo our plan is to get married in the courthouse with our families and then rent a small room at a restaurant, cover the bill, bring a cake, have a photographer, and maybe even a few centerpieces. It will be like 25 people including us and the photographer. I think it sounds great considering after over a year of the back and forth I don’t even want to be bothered with all the details that don’t mean a whole lot to me anyway. And I surely don’t want to go beyond our means.
Well FMIL found out our plans and now she won’t stop trying to convince us to change it. I explained a handful of times “I DO NOT WANT TO BE BOTHERED PLANNING A WEDDING” and also “WE ARE PAYING FOR THIS OURSELVES AND CAN’T AFFORD/DON’T CARE ABOUT ALL THE EXTRAS” but she will NOT stop letting me know of new ideas she has for how we can do it. We’ve already gone through the process of brainstorming every alternative as a couple, so everything she brings to the table are things that we’ve already ruled out. I love her and appreciate her interest, but I can’t help but feel like she’s just disgusted at our choice. Like is getting married this way really that horrible? It’s not like the courthouse isn’t beautiful! It has awesome scenery and landscaping outside for pictures, plus a big grand staircase. Gosh, I just want to be married already and I have half a mind not to include anybody else in this at all. Bleh..idk how else to get my point across that our plan is absolutely fine the way it is.
Post # 4
- Wedding: July 2013 - rolling hills of southern italy
That sounds awful. Stop talking to her about it. My advice would be to call it the mystery wedding and insist everything is a surprise. if only it were that easy, right? …it isn’t.
Post # 5
Maybe she feels like you are settling for this option and she is trying to give you every option possible to have your “dream wedding” that she feels you should have?
I would just explain to her that you are 100% comfortable with this new decision, and show her how excited you are by focusing her attention and energy into the new plan. For example, let her know you’re looking for the perfect location and maybe she can suggest somewhere to go. Or ask her for help with centrepieces, etc. so that she knows that you are happy with having this type of wedding. Get really excited about how saving all of this money is going to let you go on a better honeymoon, put a down payment on a house, or whatever.
I have a feeling she just wants you both to have the perfect wedding, and is likely feeling as though she won’t get to help plan if you go this route.
If she doesn’t get on board, then try your best to ignore her. 🙂
Post # 6
OMG my FMIL (who along with FFIL are paying for like 75%) is ruining my life too. She is a housewife, who’s friends all have had EXPENSIVE (like 80,000) weddings for their kids. She keeps wanting our DW to become grander and grander, but then complains that we are spending too much. She spends way to much time on google and etsy and is always coming up with new things to do, even if we had already decided on what we are doing, she just finds something new and changes it….I feel your pain!!
Post # 7
Your fiancé needs to step in at this point and let his mother know that you both appreciate her help but your decision is final and you are both happy with it 🙂
Post # 8
@Quickiebee: Lol yes I wish it were that easy! I try not to talk to her about it but she keeps bringing it up. Grrr
@NLbride: Yeah you’re right, I can tell she feels we are settling. I don’t think she understands that I’ve never had a “dream wedding” because I was never one to daydream about my wedding at all! My marriage, yes but wedding, nope. The thing about her trying to help is kind of annoying because she wasn’t trying to help AT ALL when we were planning the traditional wedding…never tried to help or anything. It wasn’t until she found out our new plans that she suddenly became a wedding coordinator.
@swisea01: Dang that’s rough! Especially since they’re paying for so much of it, I can already tell it’s their wedding 2.0 lol.
@DayDay: I agree. FI isn’t helping much though. He’s been anywhere the wind blows with this whole process to be honest. I don’t think he cares what the heck we do hahaa
Post # 9
@Galang_Gyal: I wish you the best. This is your day. Do what YOU want…look back someday with no regrets. Let that be your goal 🙂
Post # 10
@Galang_Gyal: I would try to sit down with her and ask, “why is it so important that we do ___(insert traditional wedding thing here)____?” Try to get her to tell you how she feels. I know for my Mom, it was important she not lose face. She is Japanese and her friends are vicious (worst than teenagers) when it comes to gossip and talking behind each other’s backs. Luckily they were paying for it, but it helped me to put myself in her shoes.
Weddings bring up alot of emotional stuff. Try to understand her point of view. You still might not be able to accomodate her, but it will help you not get so annoyed.
Maybe you can brainstorm with her with ways to make it feel better for you. Like if she feel like she needs a big party, then tell her she can throw you a congrats party after the honeymoon (that she pays for) and she can invite everyone she knows. Or maybe she wants to do a DIY project.
Also, maybe show her some pictures of small weddings and how nice they can be. Check out A Practical Wedding or Intimate Weddings blog.
Post # 11
@DayDay: Thank you!
@KoiKove: Good ideas! I did ask her why certain things are so important to her and she said she doesn’t want me to resent the fact that I didn’t have more bells and whistles. I highly doubt I ever would since I’m a very simple, frugal, modest person. But I guess she’s fearful that my opinion will change years from now when I look back.
Post # 12
Just reply with “Oh, that sounds nice…I’ll look into it” and then just drop it. If she follos up tel her you decided to do X Y Z instead.
Post # 13
My only advice is just to say we’ve decided to have the wedding here on X date at X time, intimate dinner to follow at X place. Please let me know if you need any directions. I would hope she would stop trying to meddle in your plans if you say this is what’s happening period, end of story.
If she keeps it up tell your FI to talk to her and say that plans are final and they will not be changed, it’s his mom so it’s really his place to tell her to stop, otherwise if you do it it may cause a rift between you and FMIL.
Good luck, I hope you get the day YOU and FI want!
Post # 14
@Galang_Gyal: I would ask her what she regrets not having at her wedding. Have her talk about her wedding. Once you get an idea of how much control she had over her wedding (many women of an older generation had NO say in the wedding. Their Mom’s planned it all) and what she regrets. Then talk to her about your vision. Show her some pictures of weddings that you like (See A Practical Wedding for some good examples of real, down to earth weddings). Explaing the top 3-5 things that are important to you like–good food, people laughing, good pictures, pretty (not expensive) dress, whatever it is that you value. Then maybe give her something to do–make coffee filter flowers or sew table cloths. Sounds like she means well, just needs to be on the same page.
Post # 15
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
She’s saying all those things because she’s excited (it’s a day she’s thought about a lot, too!). I would just accept every suggestion with “that’s a great idea” and then go about your business. She can’t force you to do anything.