Post # 1
Regular bee going incognito.
Bees I have an issue here. Background is my FMIL has a few children and is estranged from most of them. She also is estranged from cousins, etc and is always “in arguement” with someone. This was my first warning sign but I brushed it off.
However now it is causing issues between her and my family because she lies and gives half truths, of which my FI does not believe and thinks I am lying and so are my parents which is causing LOTS of tension. Because the lies she tells people she does when FI is not around 🙁 It is quite apparent she is manipulative and is the source of the problems with her children not talking to her. She is also implying my parents “will steal her stuff” because previous inlaws stole from her – come on! This is crazy. all this craziness is coming out now after engagement and I am quite upset – I feel she is doing this on purpose. Had I known about this craziness prehaps I would have taken a different path in this relationship!
I do not know what to do bees 🙁 I love him, but she is causing trouble – I guess this is pretty typical. Yes I brought it up with him but of course “it is my fault”. Geesh, this makes me very nervous. It is always a good sign when FI sides with mother.
When I talk about wedding stuff her response is “yucky” to anything. Yucky food, yucky band, yucky flowers, She said she would host a bridal shower for me and now just backed out and expects me to do it myself with my mom (which is a faux paux – how does bride host her own shower). I brought this up with FI and he takes her side. This is very bad news … I feel like our future he is going to keep taking her side. This was not typical behaviour prior to engagement – how can people change? I am scared – and have doubts now about the future marriage. I am at the point where I am second doubting my decision to get married 🙁 but who knows you hear problems with everyone.
All her other kids are divorced and I have a feeling her manipulation, lies and accusations were a factor in the divorce – how do all of you children get divorced?
However now I understand why children are estranged.
YES MONThs ago I brought this up with FI about the lies and he didn’t believe me and thought my parents were palying games. But now it keeps happening 🙁
he has caught her in lies that affect him and make him look bad and he confronts her about those lies – but he does not believe she is acting like that towards my family 🙁 This is causing major tensions
Post # 2
ingognito345 : Plenty of women have a crazy FMIL and find a way to make it work because they are on the same page with their FI/DH and their FI/DH has their back.
You and your FI are not on the same side of this issue–you have a FI problem–he’s blaming you for the FMIL issues. I would postpone, consider counseling, and do a lot of hard thinking about what you want your life to look like long term.
Post # 3
beethree : this is exactly what i was scared to hear 🙁
This is so heartbreaking. I THOUGHT FI amd I were so in sync and compatible. But MIL turned into different person after we got engaged. This is not fair at all. If i knew she was like this i would stay single.
How could i have been so blind sighted?
Post # 4
ingognito345 : sadly, this happens often. She escalated once you became engaged/ aka, a threat. I’m sorry to say that I would run in the other direction if your FI doesn’t believe you.
My FMIL is the same, but my FI warned me about her lies, manipulations and estrangements before I ever met her, so when she tried to blame my FI for things behind his back, I made sure she knew I wasn’t going to side with her. She loves to lie/gossip about the other DIL, so I made sure to shut that down too, but it hasn’t stopped her from trying to drag us all into her ring of crazy.
It’s still been difficult, and we are on the same side. So I’m not sure how this can be managed in a loving relationship when your FI doesn’t even believe you. I would tell him he either needs to be husband material or this won’t work.
Post # 5
BalletParker : wow. It just makes no sense to me why someone would be like this. She obviously caused her other kids broken marriages and engagaements. I used to think the kids were the issues but clearly it is her causig the problem because she is the comonality in the situations
. I am so flipping pissed had she shown her true colors before i would have never said “yes”. Now what the fuck to do.
Post # 6
ingognito345 : This is also a parent problem! Why would your parents believe her over their own daughter??
Post # 7
pinkcorsage : maybe i was not clear. I did not say my parents believe her over me.
I meant to say my FI thinks my parents are lying.
Post # 8
Bee, I think you have a problem. Your FI thinks that you (and your family) are liars? WTH!! That would not at all be acceptable to me. I would have a calm talk with him, make it clear that your MIL’s actions are negatively affecting you and the relationship and flat-out ask him why he thinks you, his FI, is lying to him. If he reiterates that you are lying, ask why he would want to marry a liar. Then tell him he has a choice to open his eyes to the truth because you will no longer tolerate being maligned and insulted by him. I’m sorry, bee.
Post # 9
ingognito345 : However now it is causing issues between her and my family because she lies and gives half truths, of which my FI does not believe and thinks I am lying and so are my parents which is causing LOTS of tension.
Read more: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/fmil-lies-and-causing-tensions/#ixzz4enPEEPTn
Sorry it was that section that I thought you were saying your parents were believing her over you.
In this case, it’s still a FI problem. In order to deal with a MIL, you need a FI or DH that backs you up and act like a team.
Post # 10
mimivac : thank you. Yikes i am really in big doodoo here.
Post # 11
ingognito345 : Yikes! Many Bees have in-law problems. I myself have a troublesome MIL who sometimes makes things dicey. However, the biggest difference here is that my DH has my back 100%
The fact that your FI tells you that he thinkgs you are a liar, that he thinks your parents are liars, would be a dealbreaker for me. He is showing you a major disrespect and this is not someone I want to live a life with. Period.
Post # 12
I hope you’re not serious when you imply that if you knew that your FMIL would be so crazy, you wouldn’t have gotten involved with your FI. If you’re feeling such resentment over the fact right now, maybe you should hold off or cancel the wedding.
Post # 13
ingognito345 : So…your about to marry a man that thinks you’re a liar?
Post # 14
Bee, you don’t just marry a man, for better or worse you marry into a family. That’s still true when a FI has your back since issues that affect him will inevitably affect both of you. But it is another kind of situation altogether when your FI does not believe you and thinks you are lying.
No this is not typical and no, it is not too late to call things off. Which is exactly what I’d do.