Post # 1
I typically try not to post too many details (especially negative ones) about fiance’s family, but this is just beyond anything I’ve ever experienced or expected.
His (divorced single) mother, that I typically have a good relationship with (although she’s known to be a somewhat dry, blunt person, pretty much the opposite of me), just completely flipped her sh*t on fiance and me.
I will not relate the story in detail except to say that fiance was there and witnessed all of it and says he was so utterly shocked at his mom’s behavior he didnt’ even know what to say. She rudely interrogated me on my family’s private financial decisions (which I made the mistake of revealing when she pressed me), and then criticized me for being “ridiculously emotional”. fyi- she is a very wealthy woman and my family is pretty much the opposite, due to tragic circumstances that we are all very sensitive about. she claims that is not her problem and she should not have to adapt her manner of speaking to the person she talks to, regardless of their background, etc..
I ended up apologizing to her because I felt bad making a scene while being a guest in her house, but my fiance confronted her about it after we left.. This has resulted in an email war that’s been going on for the last few days in which she’s called me names, said that my family (who she’s never met) aren’t welcome in her house, etc, etc..
I know there isn’t much anyone can help us with at this point. Everybody’s told me (including fiance’s other family members) that that is just the way she is- a bitter, lonely woman who lashes out on others for no reason. I just feel badly for her and fiance’s sake, I’ve tried so hard to make our relationship with her better and feel like I’ve wasted everybody’s time.
On top of that, since I have a tiny family, I’ve always dreamed of getting a wonderful MIL I’d be close with, and it looks like that just isn’t happening. Could any of you ladies who have had similarly bad experiences share, and give me hope that things can be ok after all, MIL or not?
Post # 3
your FH obviously loves you.
Leave the old witch alone. Don’t give her any thought. Get that dirt off your shoulders, girl.
If she don’t want you, she doesn’t have to be around. ya dig? She got problems, and that is her problem. not yours. It just goes to show Money don’t buy you class
Post # 4
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@mousewife-in-training: I haven’t experienced this but had to say Good job to your FI for standing up for you with his mom! I hear many stories in which the SO doesn’t do that!
Post # 5
I’m sorry you’re going through this; it sounds like you and your FI are trying to handle it well. I think you and your FI should set some boundaries for both of your families. If your FMIL doesn’t want your family in her house, that’s fine, it’s her home and those are her wishes. But you and your FI are becoming your own family, and you can also set your rules and expectations. So if you want both families to be together at the wedding, for example, you have the full right to request respectful behavior from your FMIL. Improving the relationship sounds like it will be a long road, but setting these boundaries will at least provide a foundation for your relationship with her.
Post # 6
@mousewife-in-training: Sorry you have to deal with this. I wish I had a wonderful MIL story, but mine is trecherous….and I don’t want to get into to it. What I will say is my MIL las had nothing to do with me and my GROWN children in 17 years. I will say you are not alone. It is hard to not have a good relationship with your MIL, but it absolutely can be done. But I don’t believe that you are in that deep with her yet. Props to you FI for standing up to her on your behalf, that is a huge plus. Have you tried talking to her? Send her an email yourself and see if she is willing to talk with you. I would at least try to make contact directly with her, and see if you and her can find some compromise. And do not apologize to her again!! You didn’t do anything wrong, she needs to apologize to you!! Good luck! Don’t throw the towel in yet!!
Post # 7
There’s no reason to feel sorry for someone who treats you like garbage. It’s good that your fiance stood up for you. She’s stuck her nose where it didn’t belong, grilling you about your family’s finances. I’d stay the hell away from her if I were you.
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@mousewife-in-training: Stop responding to her emails and delete anything she sends before reading it. Nothing good will ever come from communicating with each other this way because it allows you both to be more hurtful than you would be in person to each other.
Your wedding isn’t until next year so I say it may be a good idea for a break from the FMIL. Talk to your FH about it and get on the same page because he has to be on board for it to work. Do not talk to, email, Facebook, text, call, or see your FMIL for at least 30 days, make it longer if you don’t see her often. No more than 3 months.
Make sure to send her a mother’s day card so she can’t hold that over your heads forever.
Before taking the break, let her know as a couple that her behavior was inappropriate and as a result, you and your FH need some time and space. When the break is over get back into contact with her and see if she has straightened up. If she hasn’t take an additional week or month as needed. If she doesn’t get it then she may be a toxic person that you need to cut out of your lives as much as possible, maybe even completely.
Post # 9
Everyone dreams of a wonderful MIL that they can be close to. But judging from the posts here, that doesn’t or rarely happens. You have a great FH, just be happy in that fact and don’t worry too much about her.
Post # 10
Dig a deep hole and throw her in. I’m kidding… (sorta) My MIL is pretty darn horrible and we had a big blowout about a year ago and have ignored each other since then. Distance yourself and just have your FI deal with her. She won’t be someone to change the way they do things so interact with her as little as possible if you have too.
Post # 11
My mother-in-law and I have clashed a bit over the years. I once dated a guy I hated, but his mom and I got along famously – she had my back and would often drop by my house just to bring me gifts (we both liked to craft and bake; taking note of this, she’d sometimes stop by after a visit to the craft store). I really loved her, come to think of it. Sad that her son was such crap! Then I met my husband and he was a great guy, but his family and I never got on.
The reality is – it’s hard when the fantasy you’d held out hope for doesn’t happen. But you can’t make it happen. I tried so hard to get to know my mother-in-law – by inviting her out to the gym with me, inviting her out for lunch – but in the end she’s a nosy, attention-seeking drama queen. You can’t fix other people. And it’s not your place to fix someone who’s going to sink so low as to insult your family and you. It’s one thing to have a disagreement about something – another to make it so personal. It is wonderful, though, that your fiance is sticking up for you.
A strategy is necessary if he’s going to continue seeing her. Either you don’t go, or if somehow in the future you DO, it’s his place to speak up for you if she starts asking intrusive questions. He needs to be your shield against his family (as you need to be his when dealing with yours). If she starts asking about finances or anything else personal, it’s his place to interject, “Look at the time, we need to be going.”
Post # 12
thank you all for your wonderful words of encouragement! it’s very helpful to see I am not alone with the bad experiences.. I know what I need to do in the long run (limit my interactions with her, be courteous but not too personal, etc..) but I am growing increasingly panicked about the short term.
My parents are supposed to come visit and meet with FI’s family for the first time next month. they were supposed to stay with her. obviously that’s not happening anymore, but even if they book a hotel and make other arrangements, I still have to introduce them somehow. right now, the idea of bringing my poor parents into this nasty awful mess (the reason the thing with FI’s mom hit hard is that the rest of his family is in some ways even worse so I had really hoped the mom would make up for it). my parents are wonderful people who have had a very hard life and I feel horrible subjecting them to a lifelong commitment of being connected to that family. I have a hard time feeling happy or even hopeful about the idea of our wedding at this point, since I just don’t want anything to do with any of them. they’re all ridiculously priviledged, materialistic, close-minded people who have no interest in welcoming or interacting with anyone who’s not like them. I’ve been trying for years and it just keeps getting worse! sorry, I don’t mean to be so dramatic, but I’ve been getting panic attacks over this and don’t know what to do.
Post # 13
@mousewife-in-training: First of all…hugs to you. I’m so sorry that she felt it necessary to treat you like this. On the other hand, I’m very happy to hear how your FI reacted. He’s on your side, just like he should be, and that’s something to be thankful for. Thank goodness for men who can stand up to their families!
As for your parents meeting this shrew, I don’t think you can avoid some level of akwardness, but I’d recommend them meeting on neutral ground. Make it some random place that means nothing to your FMIL; somewhere that she doesn’t have any extra advantage.
Have you thought about seeing someone for your panic attacks? Therapists have a good way of helping you to think about things differently. It’s not right that this terrible woman should have this hold over you.
Post # 14
My MIL is also a bi-atch – evil and manipulative. I cannot stand her.I also come from a tiny family so I really feel you. It used to bother me a lot but i am slowly not letting her get to me and I am being stronger as she is very used to getting things done her way and being the boss… she needs to understand that things will be done my way going forward when it comes to DH etc…
all i can say to you is this: “Don’t let negative and toxic people rent space in your head. Raise the rent and kick them out!”
Post # 15
Is it possible to maybe hold off on them meeting? You have a year for that to happen and if you’re not comfortable with it right now maybe you should wait. I feel your pain with the anxiety attacks and the MIL situation. Mine said some really rude things about “those stupid girls who get pregnant before being married” which obviously meant I’m one of them. I was crying and really hurt and she said “you’re going to have to get used to me saying things like that because I don’t think about what I say.” I’m sorry you have to go through all of that! Just take some time to get away from her and the situation and hopefully things will die down. Mine was okay until some drama yesterday, but I know it’ll all be worked out in the end. I hope the same goes for you!
Post # 16
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
@mousewife-in-training: Oh honey you are NOT along in bad MIL experiences!!! Check out some of the other MIL thread on the Bee. They make me feel better about life.