- 4 years ago
- Wedding: August 2013
I’m dealing with some real issues with my fiancee’s mother (and future in-laws additionally) and I need some great words of wisdom from you folks. First, let’s start off by saying that we’ve been engaged for only a few months and are getting married Aug 30, 2013. I’ve heard horror stories from folks in regards to in-laws and have always told myself that I would never allow myself to be involved in a family with so much drama. I kind of in ways feel like I was duped as when I first met his mother (she lives across the country so I’ve only physically spent time with her twice) we had really created a great relationship, talked on the phone all the time, told each other we loved each other (I don’t even do that with my own mother), and I really felt like it was a “special” relationship because it was chosen…not forced like family of blood where you can’t trade them in for a better model if you don’t like them. I really felt like I hit the jackpot with potential mother-in-laws. WE went to Florida to see them last March and she was really pushing my fiancee (bf at the time) to marry me. She had “the talk” multiple times..don’t let that one get away! WE have been together for about 3 years and I was at the point where it was like ok either ya sh*t or get off the pot but I’m not getting any younger here.
So, a couple months later we were engaged and planning a very intimate, quaint ceremony (30 person guest list). I started to see after we got engaged issues with his mother. First, the reason that we are having a small ceremony is because we both have VERY large families. Had we invited everyone it would have well been over 250 people at our wedding. Neither of us are “showy” people, we hate attention and really wanted it to be just our few closest people and make it really special for them and rememberable for us. We are getting married in an outdoor flower garden on a lake and having dinner at a steak/seafood house after and having wedding cake….so in the scheme of things not your typical huge “celebration” by any means…no reception, no DJ, no first dance. None of that. (Just trying to get you some background before the details).
So…after the engagement was announced, his mother started being extremely pushy on certain things. First, we hadn’t intended on having a wedding party because it was so small that it didn’t seem conducive to our wedding plan. However my bff for all my life I had always pictured her being my MOH and she offered to do my bridal shower regardless if she was going to be in my wedding. So I saw fit to bring it up to my groom and he agreed. So we decided to have a MOH and a Best Man. I asked my bff as planned and my fiancee had said that it was really between 3 people (his brother and 2 best friends) but that he would have to think about it. In the meantime, I had told his mother in a conversation that we had decided to do that (when she asked) and she said well of course he’s going to choose his brother. And I said “well that’s up to fiancee and whatever he chooses is right for him”. A week later he decided on his brother, I spoke to his mother the day that he was going to call his brother to formally ask him. She asked me if fiancee had decided yet on Best Man and I said yes he did he was going to ask the brother and she said fantastic, because she already called the brother LAST WEEK(!) to let him know he was going to be in our wedding. THis was before it was decided who it was going to be. I was shocked that she took that moment away from him and even more shocked that she had the balls to even call him and tell him after it hadn’t even been decided. That was the first issue and I started to even get concerned at that point (BTW…fiancee never knew about this).
I’m going to continue but with a short list (hopefully!) and give examples:
-Attempt at trying to include her on the wedding planning, pics of wedding dress, cake, invites, centerpieces etc. Everything was ALWAYS negative feedback. I don’t have bad taste and anyone else I asked loved everything that we were going with. It was like she was trying to be negative to the core about everything. So I stopped asking her.
-Back when we visited them in FL in March they had advised they were coming to MT this summer and we offered our home to them to stay the week they were here. When we got engaged we decided our wedding date around that time so that they wouldn’t have to make an add’l trip. I would have thought that they would have said ok it’s the week of your wedding we’ll stay with one of our 16 brothers or sisters so you guys can have your week to get ready for your wedding (plus who knows how we’ll be emotionally). Their week trip changed to 2.5 weeks. Groom called his mother to let her know that was not ok it was a huge burden on us before the wedding to host them being at our house, making the meals, nevertheless the expense feeding 4 people for 2.5 weeks before a wedding in which any cash that we have has been applied to our wedding or prepping for it. Not much else for anything else. Anyways, FMIL sent me an email advising that “if they come to our wedding now it will only be for two days and that her advice to me as it seems to have become a very HUGE ordeal is to scratch the whole thing and go to the courthouse”. I was like woooow I mean there’s nothing “huge” about this “ordeal” AKA your son’s wedding. But if ya don’t want to come and be part of your son’s day then you can live with that decision, not me! I never responded to the email but honestly I was pretty hurt by it. There’s nothing big or glamorous about this wedding and most of the decisions on it have been left to compromise to keep it that way. It was a really rude email to send ESPECIALLY because the ONLY reason she sent it was because she was trying to sabatoge our WEDDING because she had hurt feelings that we didn’t want her staying with us for 2.5 weeks(that originally was supp to be a week). Well it turned into a huge fiasco, the fiancee was pissed he called her yelling at her, she cried, she called me the next day and apologized for being a drama queen. And I took it as an opportunity to advise her that I have some concerns in regards to her treatment of this wedding thus far and her complete lack of respect for the process and clearly for groom and I. I basically let her know that I wasn’t going to deal with it and that if she wanted to continue to have the relationship with me that we started off with that the games would need to end.
-With that said (above)…my parents are paying for wedding for the most part. They’ve been wonderful and supportive throughout it all. Groom’s parents haven’t offered to do ONE thing. Except offer a lot of shotty advice, send rude emails when they don’t get their way and cause conflict. It would have been nice to have had some kind of a groom’s dinner since we are offering up our home to them for over a week (she recently changed it again) and so that we have a time where we can give our gifts to our parents and our wedding party that we put A LOT of thought into. But they haven’t offerered to do anything of the sort. Doesn’t have to be big or extreme just a casual dinner ya know…I would think the least they could do for us being pretty hospitable to them the week of our wedding. It’s not like they’re broke…they live in a gated community on a golf course. So instead, we’re going to my parents, I’m making an amazing dinner for just the parents at least to honor them and give the gifts then.
-Fiancee’s mother had an idea to have a bbq after the wedding since it is so small to invite the people that weren’t invited to the wedding. Well bec they live out of state it would have to be held at someone’s house. My mom offered up her home, even though they are in the process of selling it, to have the bbq at. I called fiancee’s mother to ask her to please call everyone in her family, send an email whatever, and ask them what their current address is. Because when my mom sends out the invites she needs to have updated addresses! Of the people that were invited, we invited 15 from my side (most everyone lives out of state), and on groom’s side there is well over 100. Well, my mom went and bought all the invitations, I forwarded her my FMIL address list (which was crappy, most names were misspelled which I had to correct and of course when I asked her for corrections she had no response), my mom spent 3 days writing out and addressing invitations. She buys the postage and goes to post office to send. And what happens? She starts getting tons of returned invites because of bad addresses. I was pissed I was like wow I mean all ya have done thus far is be a pain, try to cause problems and when ONE thing is asked of you to do (she hasn’t offered to help with a thing for the wedding either, ideas, calls etc) for your OWN family to be a part of this you can’t even make an effort to ensure that you have the correct address? So, my mom Googles the addresses, finds the correct ones and resends. Now, between my bridal shower and the bbq after the wedding, all of my family and friends have RSVPD. Guess who hasn’t? THe lot of the people that were invited to these additional parties which is the groom’s family. Not ONE person has rsvp’d to either and the invites were sent over 2 weeks ago.
I know this is long and I appreciate your time and attention if you were able to keep it that long to read in it’s entirety….there really is so much more. I’ve just kind of had it on different things with her. Oh…but one last thing to kind of give you an idea as to the person I’m dealing with here if the above isn’t enough…her other son is having a baby. He called her at their first ultrasound (her first grandchild) to ask her if she wanted to see the ultrasound live and said she’d have to pay $13 to see it (again she lives across the country not able to be there)…do you know what she told him? Oh that’s nice but ya I don’t have 13 bucks. She then called my fiancee and bragged about it after his brother was upset. It’s like wow…now I know what NOT to do when we get pregnant! Not include her on anything…clearly she can’t handle any good news at all from her kids!
So I guess my question for you is am I being erratic or am I really potentially dealing with some real issues here? I’m honestly dreading the 1.5 weeks they’re staying with us which is counterproductive because I’m excited for our wedding and to marry my fiancée but I’m dreading the week of having his parents and overbearing mother staying with us. Anyone have any advice for that week to keep strong and sane?