(Closed) FMIL needs to just STOP IT!

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
6209 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

What is she upset about?? That you’re getting married? I don’t understand…

Post # 4
Member
1400 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Yeah, what’s her damage, exactly?

Post # 5
Member
1342 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@BelleFille:  Just consider it being a strong partner.  Your FI needs you more than ever.  Be strong for him!  Hang in there!  

Post # 6
Member
3887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Like it or not, this is your fiance’s battle and he’s going to have to learn how to fight it. He, not you, should be the one to stand up to his mother and let her know what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t.

Post # 9
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@fishbone:  Agree with most of this.  It sounds like your FI is taking the path of least resistance here.  He should nut up and talk to her, tell her behavior won’t be tolerated.  But if she starts spewing crap directly at you, you can address it yourself.  Of course be calm and tactful.  Ultimately you’re an adult and if anyone is disrespectful (whether it’s your own Mom, a friend, even a complete stranger) it’s completely acceptable to address it.  I don’t think you should have to shy away strictly because she’s your FIs Mom.  Again, I must stress you need to act like a mature adult (no yelling, cursing, name-calling, don’t get overly emotional, etc).  Next time she makes a nasty comment about the wedding or your relationship simply say “MIL, I really don’t appreciate you speaking to me that way.”  Simple.

Despite all of this, I still think you’re eventually going to have to come to terms with her behavior.  Even if you and your FI speak to her, don’t count on her ever changing.  Sometimes we really just need to adjust, if not completely eliminate, our expecations of people.  If you continue to anticipate her changing, being nicer, being normal (HA!), you’re simply setting yourself up for disappointment.  So it’s kind of two-fold – you and your FI need to stand up for yourself, but also come to the realization that this woman is likely never going to change.

I wish you luck. 

Post # 10
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think the next conversation with her should be, “Your behavior is inappropriate and damaging to us and as long as it persists, we can’t have communication with you, and we need a break for our own emotional health. In the meantime, we hope you’ll see a counselor to help you work through whatever is causing you to act this way.” Then screen your calls, delete the texts and vmails unopened, send her emails straight to recycling for the next month. Then give her a chance. If she’s still batshit, shut her off again for three months. Rinse and repeat.

You can’t fix her crazy. The only thing you can do is set limits and boundaries and insulate yourselves from her. 

 

Post # 11
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@BelleFille:   I did an excellent job of not saying anything that I would regret when she was yelling at me and I want to keep that up.

 

Good for you for not saying something you would regret.  But did you speak up AT ALL!?  You shouldn’t have to tolerate her yelling at you and defaming you.  Even a simple “MIL, I don’t deserve to be spoken to this way.  Can we calm down and talk this out like adults?  No?  Ok well then I’m going to have to excuse myself.”  Then leave.

I might be the only person that feels this way, but I think you absolutely have every right to respond to that kind of nonsense.  And likewise, your FI ABSOLUTELY has to back you when all is said and done.

Geez, she really is nuts!

 

Post # 13
Member
5983 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

If you are honestly dealing with a person with a medical condition, there’s no reason to be upset about it at all..this isn’t personal in the least and just because her problems manifest in attacks on you, I can assure you they are symptoms of a truly troubled mind….it’s no different that anxiety patients that pull out their hair, or schizophrenics who suspect people who look a certain way…I know it’s a difficult concept to grasp and she really should seek out help, in fact I would refuse to be near her if she was not actively seeking treatment your FI only has a well adjusted and happy mother to gain from standing with you on this request since no matter how ill she is, you are in no way required to be her therapy victim.

Post # 14
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Nona99:  True.  It’s a challenge to understand mental health issues.  It takes a concerted effort to look beyond the nonsense and reach a point of understanding.

OP – considering your last comment… Good, glad you did the right thing.  If she’s now forcing this on your FI, I think that’s a sign that you accomplished something considering she’s not directing this at YOU anymore.  If your FI chooses to ignore this, that’s his prerogative.  I think as long as she’s not openly bad-mouthing you in her conversations with him, than let him handle how he sees fit.

Post # 15
Member
817 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013 - Mansion House at the MD Zoo

@BelleFille:  I work with mentally ill adults, and it can be super challenging. And I don’t have an emotional connection, I know how hard it is for family members. What works for me and my coworkers is to remind ourselves that you and I and most of the rest of the world choose not to behave the way this person is. We choose not to throw tantrums when upset, insult and push away the people we love, have inappropriate outbursts, etc etc. We do that because it is painful for the people on the receiving end of anger, and ultimately it is painful for us. But for people with some illnesses (particularly mood disorders, particularly untreated) they literally cannot make that choice. They are not able to manage their behavior or think before they speak or consider what effect their behavior might have and take 2 seconds to stop and think and do things differently. No one wants people not to like them or people to be mad at them, but some people cannot avoid acting in ways that cause those reactions or feelings in others. They are ultimately hurting themselves by pushing people away. But we can choose to recognize that they are not making a conscious choice to push us away or insult us or piss us off, and to meet them on a different level. We can decline to deal with them when they are having a tantrum without damaging the greater relationship, and we can choose not to judge them or dislike them because of something they cannot control. It’s hard, but ultimately it’s very freeing.

I am not saying whether or not your FMIL has a diagnosable illness, but I have found this perspective helps with dealing with all kinds of “difficult” people. Just repeat to yourself, ‘I choose not to act like that and she would choose that too if she could. I choose not to do this and she would choose that too if she could. I choose not to talk to people like that and she would do that if she could.” etc etc

Post # 16
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@BelleFille:  

After we got engaged she told me I’m rude, she’s never met anyone like me, she doesn’t know me, I’m not family, etc.

Isn’t that normally considered a good thing in a fiance? ;D 

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