- 5 months ago
Hi Bees, I’m a regular Bee going anon for this one because I’m in need of some help!
I want to know what role, if any, your MIL played in your wedding planning. Did she offer to help plan? Did you let her? Etc.
I’m currently at my breaking point with my FMIL and her need to be included in EVERYTHING. When FI and I began planning, she communicated to us that she wanted to be as involved as we would like her to be. FI is the second, and last, of her two sons to get married. My SIL planned her wedding in under 8 months, so she needed to make decisions quickly and for that reason, she didn’t give herself many options to choose from. My FMIL always told us that my SIL never included her at all in wedding planning. My SIL would make decisions and show her pictures of what she had chosen from time to time. This irritated my FMIL because she never really felt included in the planning process.
My FI and I took FMIL and FFIL to see a venue choice that was near their house. We didn’t end up choosing that particular venue, but the following weekend we took them out to see the venue we had chosen before we signed the contract. We thought that we would try to include them a little more than our SIL did.
My FMIL still wants to be more involved. I should probably also let you know that I am the only child of my parents. So having a girl, naturally my mother would be significantly more involved than my FMIL, right? That’s not the way she sees it!
Two months ago, my FMIL asked me to choose a weekend to come down and visit them so she could take me dress shopping. I was a little taken back by this because she knew that my mom and I had plans to go sometime in May, not really inviting her because I didn’t really feel it was appropriate for her to be there. My FI told his mom that it’s totally not in her place to be taking me dress shopping. She still didn’t agree with it, but she let it go.
Fast forward to last week. FI and I have almost everything booked so far (reception venue, church, photographer, videographer, DJ). We’ve done everything on our own, with very minimal help even from MY parents. We went cake tasting and drove out near our venue to do room blocks at the hotel. This was on Saturday. On Wednesday, my FMIL had my FFIL drive her out to the bakery where we went for our tasting to sample the cake flavors we had chosen. Then they drove out to see our venue again for a second time. She drove to the hotel and asked for a tour of the rooms we had placed a block on. Then they went by and took a tour of the church we would be using. FI and I had showed her pictures of all these initially and thought that would be sufficient enough. We were wrong.
FI was pissed and so was I. We were informing her of the decisions we were making along the way but apparently this doesn’t seem to be enough for her. She wants more involvement. She told FI that she wants to help make the important decisions so she feels a part of the planning process. My parents are totally irritated with her need to be involved in everything. I would’ve had no problem with her visit to the venue and the hotel and church had she just been straightforward with me instead of going behind my back and my FI’s back to do so. The only reason we found out they went was because the person at the hotel that does the room blocks emailed us to ask our permission to change our contract to reflect the new room FI’s parents had chosen for themselves while they were there visiting. That’s when FI called his parents to find out why they drove almost two hours to check up on the planning for themselves and that’s when she said they went to the bakery as well and she loved our cake choices that she sampled. I’m pissed. I feel like she’s totally overstepping her boundaries. I feel like if anybody should be involved, it should be my parents because I’m their daughter. My parents are also contributing significantly more money towards wedding expenses so they have every right to be involved. FMIL doesn’t agree with this, she thinks overall involvement should be equal across the board.
This past weekend, on a whim, my mom and I stopped in a bridal store to look at a few dresses so I could get an idea for what I wanted. I ended up trying on a few and found the one. Since they were doing a trunk show, the particular dress I loved was a part of the collection eligible for special promotions. I pulled the trigger and bought my dress. I was on cloud nine. I called my FMIL to tell her and that’s when she lost it. She began yelling at me, telling me I had no right not to include her in planning our wedding. In my defense, my parents have not met my FI’s parents yet. I didn’t really think it was appropriate for my FMIL to meet my mom for the first time at dress shopping, and it wasn’t even like I had planned to go! FI completely agreed with me and called his mom back to let her know that her actions were out of line. His dad answered and of couse wouldn’t you know, he’s supporting his wife! He thinks we are out of line by not including her!
To add icing to the cake, my future in-laws are only paying for the rehearsal dinner. They have explicitly told FI and I that since they are paying for it, we don’t get any say in where it is, what type of food, etc. They were the same way with my SIL’s wedding. Double standard much? Since they’re paying we get no say in the rehearsal, but since we’re paying for most of the vendors for the wedding, that automatically gives her a right to make decisions with us?
We have given her smaller tasks to do for the wedding like preparing the welcome bags for the hotels, helping with invitations, favors, etc. Apparently this isn’t enough.
Since my FMIL’s blow up at me on Sunday, I’ve gotten a text from her saying “Send me pictures of the dress, I want to see it”. I don’t really trust her not to share the pictures with the rest of her family (especially posting to facebook, she’s an avid user, FI and I not so much) so I haven’t responded yet. And this morning I got a text from my MOH saying that FMIL sent her a friend request on facebook.
Where do I go from here? How do I handle this? I’m at my breaking point with her.
Have any of you had to deal with this problem? How involved/not involved were your MILs?