FMIL Overstepping Boundaries?

posted 1 month ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
8771 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

lynn118 :  so you know now that your FMIL wasn’t being honest about your SIL. You fell for a very old manipulation technique, and you both tried to appease her hurt feelings re SIL by moving the boundaries for her repeatedly, even when she had already gone too far. 

You did this maybe to be kind and also to keep her from saying such awful things about you. But guess what? She already has. I’d put money on it, because that’s how people like this roll. 

I would not allow her to speak to you like she is. Frankly I would want to cut her out of paying for anything since she thinks it buys her license to yell at you. 

What does your FI say? 

No matter what, do not send a pic of your dress unless you want the surprise ruined. 

Post # 3
Member
5193 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

 the part where FMIL complained about not having a say in SILs wedding planning… that was your red flag.

to me that means she wants to be able to actually make decisions for you, since she didn’t like it that SIL made her own decisions. I’d have taken a page out of SILs book, personally.

so.. she’s gone power mad.  not surprising. at this point I’d tell her: I tried to include you but you’ve overstepped massively and your outburst was completely unacceptable. I think it’s best for our relationship if we take a step back and you focus on the rehearsal dinner and I focus on my wedding… I really don’t want any more confrontations or resentment.

she’ll probably flip.. but what other option do you have? maybe (probably) a different bee will come up with better wording but the bottom line is you need to extricate her from your wedding planning.

as for your final question.. I basically was your SIL. I tried to include MIL in one or two things, quickly saw that the more info she had the more she’d take over.. so I stopped including her. she claimed 100% autonomy on the rehearsal and I didn’t like it but I let it go and there you have it.

Post # 4
Member
2099 posts
Buzzing bee

lynn118 :  Wow! I would take a step back and not include her in anything else. Do not send her the picture. This is way out of line. I would try to pay for anything she’s trying to pay for yourselves because she’s being a huge jerk with a double standard. Yikes. 

 

Post # 5
Member
2379 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Great advice above. Unfortunately the only way to keep FMIL’s approval is if you give her dominion and believe me it won’t be worth it.

Remain civil and pleasant but back off. She is your fiancé’e mum, not yours, let him deal with her. 

I don’t know if children feature in your future plans but if so, set boundaries now because she will be a nightmare granzilla and the protectiveness you feel towards your wedding is nothing to the way you will feel about your newborn. 

Post # 6
Member
799 posts
Busy bee

If my FMIL actually YELLED at me… she would either be uninvited from the wedding or we would be eloping. That’s madness – completely petulant and disrespectful, and I just wouldn’t have it around me. 

Post # 7
Member
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Stop telling them anything. Tell any vendor you have hired or will hire they are not to give any details or even confirm you are a client. Your FIL’s did not sign a contract. You did. I would even say if they give out details you will consider that breach of contract and will terminate. 

I’m lucky that my FMIL will go to what we asked her to go to, and steps back and doesn’t say anything if we don’t invite her. She went with me when I ordered my dress and went to our cake tasting. My family will not be at my wedding due to many reasons, so I’m happy I have a loving MIL. 

Post # 8
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

My MIL made our signature cocktails, found our wedding broom and helped out with a few things here and there, as requested. I’ve never dealt with this kind of situation before but one of my friends has. I think there are a lot of people who will tell you to have your FI deal with her since she is his mother. And that is the most respectful and distant way to handle things.

If this is someone you have a relationship with, though (and to some extent, it seems that you do), then I think you are within your rights to interact with her in the way you would interact with anyone you had a relationship with who is overstepping boundaries and acting a fool – by speaking with her directly and letting her know what you will be doing moving forward.

Do not send her pictures of your dress or anything else. Tell your MOH and other friends not to accept friend requests from her. Don’t tell her anything else about the wedding; she can find out when she arrives the day of. Let all of your vendors know that they are not to give her anymore information about your wedding. And they are definitely not allowed to make any changes based on anything she says. Wedding vendors deal with crazy people all the time. We were asked if there were any people they should be on the lookout for or be prepared for difficulty from. Let your vendors know about her and give them a plan for dealing with her. Make the rehearsal dinner a pizza thing and pay for it yourselves or skip it. Unless you’re doing a flash mob or some highly choreographed performance no one really needs to practice walking down a straight aisle.

Also, be prepared- she’s going to be this bad and worse if/when you have any children. Best to start setting down and enforcing boundaries now so she isn’t surprised. Otherwise, you’ll be one of these mothers to be wondering how to keep her out of the delivery room while you’re pushing your baby out!

Post # 9
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

She friended your MOH on facebook? Yikes.  Driving to the bakery to sample the flavors you already chose is bizarre behavior.  I’m going to echo the pps.  Step back from the relationship – do not send her a picture of the dress.  You and your FI should have a conversation on how you want to proceed with your relationship, or at least get through wedding planning. 

Post # 10
Member
4479 posts
Honey bee

Why do you keep telling this woman so much?????  This is on you.  Stop talking to her and communicating with her until she changes her act.  Her not being involved with SIL’s wedding was the first hint that she was pushy.

And no, don’t send her pictures of your dress.  She can wait like every other person until the wedding.

Post # 11
Member
902 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

lynn118 :  You cannot control how other people act.  You can, however, control how YOU act.  Just stop telling her things.  Period.  Don’t respond to questions or respond in a very vague manner.  Let your FI deal with her – it’s his batshit crazy mother, not yours.

Post # 12
Member
2619 posts
Sugar bee

Forget about the wedding, imagine what type of GRANDPARENT FRIGGING NIGHTMARE she’s going to be! Geez! It almost sounds like she’s having some sort of mental hiccup. 

Post # 13
Member
723 posts
Busy bee

I’d probably just ignore her and not let her in on any other wedding details.  If she wants to waste time driving two hours to look at venues and taste cakes and do other inane things, then let her have at it.  It helps that your FI feels similarly that she’s overstepping her bounds.

Post # 14
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

wow, I could have written this myself. I’m going through the exact same thing. My FI actually told me that he and FMIL had a conversation about how she thinks I hate her because I’m not including her in anything. I was LIVID and to top it all off FI was slightly annoyed at me for not including her? I was like how, this is our wedding… pretty sure we can make decisions on our own, thanks!!!!!

I seriously think FMIL needs to lower her expectations when it comes to the wedding. I told FI to tell FMIL to back off, if there was something that I thought she could help with, I would let her know.

Here I thought that not asking people to do things was a way for everyone to relax and enjoy their time.. uuugggggh.

Post # 15
Member
3784 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

my FMIL has not been involved at all lol. But I haven’t really involved my mom either, so there’s that.

Your FMIL sounds like a crazy person. Legit would not put up with being yelled at by her, wtf? Do not send her a picture. Do not talk to her anymore about wedding stuff. If she brings it up, i would immediately change the topic. If she keeps bringing it up, say something like “gosh FMIL, I’m so tired of talking about the wedding. I think I just need a break from that! So hows your cat” or something.

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