FMIL Overstepping Boundaries?

posted 3 months ago in Family
Post # 46
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

garnobella :  that sayijg doesn’t apply here. The fiance did the right thing by standing by his fiance and not allowing his mom to yell at her and bully her. Her son wouldn’t have had to talk to her if she treated her fdil with some respect. If my fiance didn’t stick up for me and allowed his mom to talk to me rudely i would honestly re consider marrying him. A guy should put his fiance and wife before his mom. I feel like the opposite happens a lot more so where the guy can’t stand up to mommy and allows his gf fiance wife or whatever to be walked all over by his mom. I also feel like that saying is used by a lot of bitter moms who are just upset because they arent the center of their sons world anymore and he now naturally puts his wife to be first and its also said by a lot of mom’s who use it when they cant over step boundaries in their sons lives and give them space and to treat their dils like crap

Post # 47
Member
1913 posts
Buzzing bee

soexcited123 :  It IS the OP’s responsibility to include her, this is her fiancé’s MOTHER. And if she doesn’t want to include her then fine, but stop giving this woman little pieces of information. It goes both ways – should FMIL have yelled at OP? Hell no. But is OP some poor, innocent child? Definitely not. She’s deliberately keeping her fiancé’s mum on the edge of this wedding, telling her enough to keep her interested but not actually letting her play a part. I can’t understand the revolting sense of entitlement that some girls have, where they just walk into a family and everyone has to play by their rules. 

And name calling? Get over yourself, I didn’t call the OP anything. 🙄

You sound young and naive, potentially scorned by a bad IL relationship, but no, that saying is not made up by bitter women. You’re reading one side of the story here, but I bet FMILs version would be crazy different. I think it is wrong for OP to talk to FMIL then run and hide behind her fiancé when she doesn’t want to deal. Part of being an adult is having uncomfortable conversations and learning that you’re not special and the world doesn’t revolve around you. I have seen enough threads on here from women who DO have horrible MILs that overstep boundaries, but I don’t think this is one of them. 

Post # 48
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

garnobella :  what are you talking about the entitlement mentality that young girls have if anything mils are the ones who act entitled. Im just trying to see where you’re coming from. Because i literally always seen the opposite mils who have a revolting sense of entitlement when it cones to their sons and their family. The mil here expected to be involved with her fdils dress shopping that’s pretty entitles if you ask me

Post # 49
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

garnobella :  it is usally sais by mothers who expect to come before the fi and or wife and that’s crazy entitled behavior.

Post # 50
Member
1913 posts
Buzzing bee

The thing with Internet forums is that we all have different experiences, and we’ll never see eye to eye. 

My fiancé is an only child, and I adore his mum. BUT I have never tried to come between her and her son. I give them space to have a relationship, and I include her wherever I possibly can. I am very careful to make sure she knows that she is not losing her son when he marries me. 

What I see OP doing is teasing her FMIL with little bits of information. She has enough of a relationship with this woman that she speaks with her on certain subjects, then freezes her out when it suits. 

I also see one side of a complex issue, and wonder if perhaps FMIL thinks that she and OP are closer than what OP thinks they are. When a FMIL offered to take her FDIL shopping it was her son that said no, so FMIL may have thought FDIL was okay with it (being that she didn’t speak up) and thus believed she would be included in dress shopping. 

What makes it okay to cherry-pick who is involved in your wedding? Surely all parents should be included equally, provided they have not been absentee parents. It’s all very well and good to yell “Mother of the Bride” but are brides adhering to all the other traditional etiquette, or just what suits them? 

You can’t deny the sense of entitlement in bride’s is abhorrent, and seemingly becoming more and more common. MILs seem to be at a disadvantage from the get-go, just from the MIL label. 

Some MILs are beyond horrible, it’s true, but that is on both sides – bride and groom. Personally I would NEVER even think about excluding my FMIL just because she’s not the mother of the bride. So what? Her son is getting married, and she’s excited. And nervous, and probably a little sad to see her boy grow up, I’m sure. Weddings bring out the best and worst in everyone, and a little bit of compassion goes a long way when you intend to become a legal part of another family! 

 

Post # 51
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

garnobella :  in what ways do you believe that the op is trying to get between him and his mother? Also in what ways do wives do that? I never understand moms of sons getting sad that their son is getting married and growing up didn’t he grow up before he got married in terms of getting into a serious relationship and then getting engaged. Marriage doesn’t mean bam all of a sudden the day before you werent grown and now you are. Besides you think the mother would be happy that she is getting a new addition to her family

Post # 52
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Also howcome mothers think marriage is the mark that they lose their sons? Why not when their son enters a serious relationship or gets engaged? Also what do you mean by you give them space to have a relationship? Im just trying to better understand where you are coming from. I guess im just bitter because my fiances mom is planning a vacation and made it clear to my fiance ahe didn’t want me there. Umm excuse me im about to marry your son and i live with him who are you to leave out someone who is family and about to be the wife of your son out of a family vacation. Not to mention he is nearly 30

Post # 53
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Maybe not what you want to hear but…. 

WOW your having MIL issues? Omg I’ve never hear of anyone fighting with their MIL! *eyes roll* 

yeah I know it sucks. My FMIL is insane. She means well, but she’s crazy (she actually told me that if I don’t have boy then she’s going to tell my FI to get remarried to someone younger. Not joking she really wants someone to carry the name) I’m 23… 

anyways yeah it sucks. Be polite, include her in things you are comfortable with and no more. You will be fine. Maybe bridesmaid dress shopping? Do you have his sister or cousin in the wedding? That would be appropriate IMHO. Menswear too. Since it’s her son, it might make up for the fact that she didn’t help with the dress (which is fine, she overreacted) Just give her little things. You do not want to start an all out war with her now, your stuck with her forever! 

 

Good luck bee!  

Post # 54
Member
1913 posts
Buzzing bee

soexcited123 :  I’ve seen so often on here and in and in real life, women (who act like spoilt little girls) taking full control once married, and not allowing their husbands to spend time with his family. Everything revolves around her and her family. This isn’t the case for all, but this has been something which has shaped my views. I love my FMIL, I haven’t always agreed with her, but I do adore her. We get along well and have always respected each other. 

On the other hand, your MIL is trying to cut you out, which shapes your view. I don’t think you and I will ever fully understand each other because we’re looking at the issue from opposite angles. I love my FMIL so I sympathise, whereas you’re already sensitive to MIL issues. 

I respect your view, and appreciate you trying to understand mine. I really hope your MIL pulls your head in, just from that short little piece of info I would say your MIL is more inappropriate and mean than OPs! Hugs, bee!

Post # 56
Member
7 posts
Newbee

She sounds like a nightmare!  I’m sorry you have to deal with this.  I would put boundaries in place NOW, especially if your FI agrees with you.

Post # 57
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

My FMIL is very similar and she is a very strong headed loud women which makes it very hard who is very laid back like myself to say no.  So after inviting her to come dress shopping with me, my mom, my aunt and MOH I realized the information train had to stop or the wedding would be taken over by her.  To get her involved though give her tasks like we did! We gave her ideas that we want to do for favors and she is know figuring that out.  My fiances mom has amazing handwriting so she is making our signs and table signs for us! Do little thigns that will help save you time but lets her feel involved.

Post # 58
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2007

This is about control. Your FMIL want to know everything about the wedding plans because she wants to make sure everything is perfect for her son’s wedding. As the MOG she will have lots of her friends attending and she will be a host, particularly at the rehearsal dinner. While you may find her annoying, as the MOG, I think she deserves a little latitude. Just a little!

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