(Closed) FMIL Planning Bridal Shower- BIG MISTAKE! *Vent*

posted 6 years ago in Parties
Post # 3
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I guess I am lucky here.  FMIL is so laid back about EVERYTHING.  Anyways, I would see if your FI could talk to her and really let her know that this party is for you and that HE wants you to be happy and really clue her in.  It almost sounds like someone needs to put her in her place, she is NOT the bride!  I had worries about some plans going on with my shower, but my Mom just put her foot down and said ” X Y X” this is it, its what she wants.  :o(  good luck.

Post # 4
Member
1628 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You seriously need to have your mom stand up for you in this. If your mom and FMIL are co-hosting the shower, then your mother should get some say in the matter. Maybe concede on some points but not others–like do it at the VFW but say you want to play at least X many games (and then suggest non-raunchy, non-cheesy one you can frame as more of a ‘getting to know everyone/bride & groom’ sort of thing). You may be able to get them to serve some food you like + the Polish food. 

Post # 5
Member
2702 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

That sucks that she’s not listening to anything you want.  However, she is the hostess so really she can do whatever she wants and I don’t think there’s much you can do about it.  You can either graciously accept (which I think you should do) or  decline.  You gave her your preferences and it’s up to her to decide if she wants to use them.  You would hope she would, but clearly that is not the case.  Just like you can’t demand that she throw you a shower, I don’t think you can demand how it’s thrown.  If she doesn’t want to provide alcohol she doesn’t have to and I think she has every right to pick whichever venue she wants (maybe the icky hall one is within her budget and the one you suggested isnt’).  I might push back a bit on the food though – does she know that you hate Polish food?  I would let her know that you really don’t like it and ask if there would be something else you could eat.  (Though for the life if me I don’t know how you cannot like Polish food – kielbasa and perogies, mmmmm…..=p).

Oh wait, I just re-read your post and realized your mom is co-hosting.  Maybe your mom push back too and give her opinions on what should be done – she should get a say as PP pointed out.  If your FMIL still doesn’t listen, then perhaps your mom could just throw you another shower and you can jus thave 2 smaller ones.

Hope it works out!  And even if it’s not your ideal shower, I’m sure you’ll have a lovely time with all of your friends and family.

Post # 6
Member
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I had a very similar problem, but with my mother. She refused to collaborate with my bridesmaid, and began making her own plans, even when I voiced her not to. I tried to get her to work with my friend, but she doesn’t like her that much and was not doing it. I ended up having to make some changes.  Make sure you speak up so it doesn’t get out of control, or ends up being something you don’t want!

Post # 7
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

Any chance you can split the shower up into 2 showers? I mean, let your MIL have whatever she wants to have with her side of the family’s guests and your mom have a small one with your side of the family’s guests. Especially with a 100 person guest list! That’s an enormous shower and will take all afternoon!

Post # 8
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

My FMIL has some strong opinions but understands that it’s my and my fiance’s wedding, and so has been *mostly* hands off, aside from some minor things (…so far!). So I can’t speak to your experience directly, but I feel your pain! But, I think your mom should get a little more involved–perhaps saying something to your FMIL, like: you appreciate that your FMIL has put in so much thought into the planning, but you know your mom also has some great ideas and you’d love for both of them to work together in hosting the shower? Then, your mom should bring some of your ideas to the table. Maybe your FMIL can choose 2 things she feels the most strongly about and let her have those, and same for you/your mom. It’ll take some compromising, but it might be better than having nothing your way, especially if something like 2 showers isn’t possible. Just my 2 cents!

Post # 9
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Crazy FMILs are like the black death. Once they have their claws in you they cant be stopped. You need to let this woman know now that you are your own person and that you do not agree with the things she is doing. Be prepared to give her plenty of logical reasons and avoid “YOU” statements. “I am not a fan of Polish food. The majority of my family and friends would not enjoy it.”, “I have always dreamed of playing fun games at my bridal shower.”, “I love the idea of having an outdoor shower. The VFW hall just isn’t what I invisioned.”, ” I am feeling a little overwhelmed by the large guest list you suggested. We need to trim it up.”

She can’t really argue with you when you are clear and firm about your statements. Make a list before hand so emotions dont get out of control and turn into a screaming match. (Been there done that and it helped nothing!)

Hopefully she will see that what she wants and what you want are very different and that it is your party! If she can’t be supportive I would politely say something along the lines of “I appreciate your help but I just dont think we have the same vision of what a bridal shower should be. My mom is going to handle the planning from now on but I hope we can all enjoy the day together celebrating.”

The way you and your FMIL interact before you marry her son is a HUGE indication of how life will be after the wedding. You dont want her trying to run you over when you are creating your home and raising your children! Get it under control now and be much happier later!

Good Luck! Hope this helps!

Post # 10
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

OMG I am experiencing almost the exact situation.  Our wedding is on the west coast where we live although most of our friends and family are on the east coast.  I thought the nice, correct thing to do was suggest that we have a couples shower on the east coast so that some people who can’t make it to the wedding can still celebrate.  My mom started talking to my FMIL about it and I’m already starting to regret it.  My FMIL is opposed to the idea of a couples shower and asked my mom if she could instead call it an “engagement party.”  Maybe that’s not a big deal, but by the time we have this party we will have been engaged for FOURTEEN MONTHS.  Out of nowhere she made up this idea that my coworkers and/or my female relatives are going to throw me a bridal shower and she’d be happy to come to it.  Forget the fact that I have been at my job for three months and do not hang out with work people socially – they’re all older and married with children. Not to mention NONE of my female relatives–mom, stepmom, sister, aunt–get along.  Like they literally don’t speak.  I guarantee that I will not have a normal bridal shower, so that’s a big part of why we liked the idea of the couples shower.  On the flip side, I feel like a brat because she is offering to throw it at her house and I’m sure she will take care of a lot of the details.  That can be both good and bad obviously.

 

The worst part is that I kind of freaked out about it to my FI.  I feel like I don’t know how to handle the situation properly and I really really really don’t want it to create fights between us, but I almost see it going down that path.

 

Oh – one other thing that makes it all worse.  Last week she booked us a hotel for our honeymoon.  Yes, she is paying for the room.  Why is this bad?  BECAUSE WE HAD NOT DECIDED WHERE WE WERE GOING ON OUR HONEYMOON.  SHE TOOK IT AMONGST HERSELF TO PLAN IT.  We had simply told her this place was one of our top choices.  I’m really afraid of her taking over these aspects of our relationship but I’m just not sure how to handle it properly.  She is doing nice things but I don’t think it’s right how she is going about it.

 

Good luck to everyone else in similar situations!

Post # 12
Member
1628 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@littlebluebride:  Whoa. Good luck with all of that crazy! I do not envy your position. At this point you need your FI to talk to her and let her know that you’re really stressing over this and what was supposed to be in your honor is now just a terrible experience. He should let her know how worried you’ve been over offending FMIL but that at some point you have to be able to enjoy yourself at your own shower, or why are they even having one?!

Post # 13
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@littlebluebride:  That sounds AWFUL, and I’m so sorry this is happening to you! It sounds like you handled things maturely–you went with her with only two things to change, not everything, and she responds really defensively. It definitely sounds like she’s got some issues of her own to deal with! Props for not screaming at her (I don’t know how you held yourself back!). If you think the issue is related to your FI, I might get him involved, and let him know how hard you’re working to please your FMIL, how frustrated you feel because you really appreciate all this but it feels like the shower is really for her at this point than it is for you (since there’s nothing that YOU like about it). If she continues to respond defensively and you want a relationship with her in the future (crazy in-laws have a habit of reappearing…!), you might just have to suck it up, as horrid as it sounds–just be sure your mom and best friends are going so that they can commiserate! Else, I mean, imagine her holding however much that deposit was for the VFW hall over you, trying to get involved in your parenting, etc…argh! So sorry–she sounds terrible!! 🙁

Post # 14
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Call the venue. Verify the deposit – she could be lying to get her way. Even if there is a deposit the date can most likely be moved without any additional cost- ask the venue- don’t rely on her for information. Ask what the cost is to break the contract. Not saying you will have to but if its only say a 25 dollar loss then its worth knowing that. Or worth knowing that if the date was booked maybe the deposit isn’t put down yet. Don’t trust her! Please follow up and find out what is really going on. And at this point I’d decline her throwing you a shower. This could set how your relationship with her will be in the future- don’t let her bully you into doing things her way or else!

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