Weddingbee boards

It's 2 weeks before my wedding, and problems with my soon to be mother in-law seemed to have surfaced again. Whenever, she gets upset with her son, she is so controlling that she often threatens things to try to get him to do what she wants. Anyways, she got upset that he didn't answer her phone calls the other day(mind you she didn't leave a message, he didn't hear them, she had just talked to him the previous day, and we had just spent 4 days with her). She sent him emails that really upset him(she can write pretty meddlesome or crazy emails). He wouldn't even tell me what they said. He was so upset, he closed his email account! 

He did tell me that she was threatening not to attend our wedding, again..That she wanted to go to Jamaica instead. (something she does by herself) This is the third time she has threatened this. This time I was alarmed, because she was saying this so close to our wedding after volunteering herself to do various things for the wedding: make programs, get favors(made me send the ones I got back), create a candy buffet, decorate/make centerpieces, and make a photo video montage. This made me worry that things would fall through. 

He also said she was telling him again that I will leave/divorce him. This is so not true. I hate how she tries to bring me into things to try to scare him into doing things she wants.

What also upset me was that she was emailing me the reception place without my knowledge, when she shouldn't be involved: she isn't paying for anything related to that. My parents really don't want her talking to the place.

Anyways, my fiance told his father about his mother's behavior, which he rarely does. My fiance told his dad I wasn't sure I could rely on them for doing what they said, like make programs, if she supposedly wasn't coming, etc. He said he would talk to his wife.

Well of course offended her that I was upset that she was emailing the reception place. I might have been overly sensitive, but she doesn't need to be so mad/upset about it. Then she sent an email to me ranting about her son(she sometimes says the meanest things about him) and basically implied how she wasn't going to help with things anymore because she was offended I disliked her emailing the reception place, even though it was an *apology* email from her. She stated she didn't know how she would've offended to me. Of course, I apologized back to he in another email, and told her that I was in fact upset about her threatening not to come and suggesting I would divorce her son, etc. Well this just made her send another really cold email, and once again threaten not to come, saying she would be too busy *decorating* the reception place to attend the wedding ceremony, etc., but also implying she didn't want to do some of things she had originally said she would.

I was in total tears last night and upset about her. For one thing, we originally already had a touchy relationship. She used to really intimidate me and really disliked me dating her son, etc. She tried to break us up numerous times, etc. A year ago it used to make me feel sick to come over to her house even. We have been able to slowly repair the relationship over time though. She is always really nice and welcoming to me now. She is still the most overbearing, manipulative person to the point that my OWN PARENTS really dislike her and want nothing to do with my in-laws! We hadn't gotten a lot closer, but then she pulls one of her *crazy* moments again. 

Anyways I just ignored the cold email(the last one sent). I guess she liked that (I didn't respond to the last one because it makes it seem like I listened to her last words) because today she sends a sweet one to me saying that she has received the favors and most of the candy bar candy, and good luck with my reception meeting and to tell her what size tables because she still wants to try to get table/seat covers etc. Back to her flip personality thing again. Back to her *nice* self again.

I don't know what to think, but it pretty much drives me crazy. I have a total love-hate relationship with her. (Last night I was vowing that I didn't want much to do with her after we are married, of course I don't mean that.)

Thanks for letting me vent

You know, I have found that when people are emotional disasters, they are like little tornados. They can't really understand the distruction they are causing because they are so wrapped up in their insanity - and it's best to get far enough away from the tornado so that it doesn't suck you in.

I would agree with@tksjewelry: It may be more work to do everything yourself, but it will be one less worry and it wil be one less thing for her to manipulate you with. She knows you need her so she's able to get away with this behavior.

And here's a question - what would happen if you and you FI said "Ok, go ahead and go to Jamaica. We'll seat Great Aunt Whatever in your place." and sounded totally serious. If you call her bluff, I'm skeptical she'll actually do it. I think this is all just to get a rise out of the two of you.

And it works, sadly.

@starry:  Wow - she does sound overbearing and controlling and none too mature. 

The first thing you should probably do is call your venue and all your other vendors and tell tell them in no uncertain terms that they are not to take ANY instructtions from your MIL - that you, your FI and your parents are the only people authorized to work with them.  You might also want to tell them to tell her that if she has any questions she needs to speak to you or your FI. 

For whatever its worth, her threats are most likely just that - empty threats to get her way.  Its up to you and your FI how much you want to let her get away with.  It may be best just to ignore her but if you really feel like she can't be relied on or your just don't want the drama then call her bluff.  The next time she threatens not to come to the wedding reply calmly that she will be missed.  If she says she wants to go to Jamaica say okay and that you will reassign her wedding related tasks to someone else and then do it.  Most importantly, realize her threats only have as much power as you and your FI choose to give them. 

While I believe in meeting people even more than half-way to keep peace, I don't believe in allowing others to bully you.  Realize that your MIL can't "make" you do anything. 

Being so close to your wedding date I dont know how feesable this would be,but I would make sure that you are not relying on your MIL for ANYTHING,even after your wedding. That way she has absolutely no power to blackmail you or your FI,and if she realises that you do not want her to have any responsibility,she might start acting a bit more like an adult. I hope for you that she can get her act together  and stop upsetting you guys so much *big hugs*

x

This is what my FMIL wrote recently..Some people including myself get an amusing kick out of this:

I wish you would think of me as your wedding planner so we could work together more closely, I just want your day to be beautiful and effortless - you should feel no stress on that day and I would hope that you would allow someone else to run interference for you so you can enjoy your day, either me or your mom. 

I have planned many events in my day....Successful events I might add. I get joy from organizing and event planning, that is why I am getting a degree in Hospitality and Tourism.  

Anyway, if you don't like my suggestions, you won't hurt my feelings, this is your day and your event I am merely offering to help wherever you need help so you won't offend me in any way if you want to do things some other way or eliminate -

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Um, 1) I am my OWN wedding planner/organizer:)

  2) She can be the wedding planner of her OWN daughter's wedding

3) She does take offense at times when I don't like her suggestions

4)I just ignored this part of her email and didn't even respond to it: I think she got the message. She then apologized for being so *presumptious*, whatever that means.

Also, fiance and I wanted to stay together the night before the wedding, because I knowI will be nervous the night before. I would find it comforting. Well she is being pushy about wanting him to stay in a separate room with his brother. Well, if he does do that, I want to stay in my apartment alone that night. Well, without even informing me, she got me my own room at the hotel we're staying at for 2 nights. This upset my mom: she was getting me a room, so I could just change my dress/get ready. Boy was she shocked to find out there was a room already in my name(misspelled) from my FMIL. I don't want to pay for it. Fiance and I weren't planning on staying in that hotel the night of the wedding either.  So another issue.